I find myself wishing I could just make due with the lump of organic material hosting my mind, but it would seem that's just not really feasible. I mean, I consider myself a human first and female-identified second. That's in line with what a lot of non-binary people feel, right? But I don't identify as non-binary, and my main focus, so to say, when it comes to gender is the physical aspect of wanting to have a female body. But ugh, sometimes I think I'm just weird or that's just a quirk or maybe childhood trauma made me think like this (even though I felt like this before any trauma). I don't know... I'm the kind of person who in general thinks gender shouldn't matter, gender roles should be just done away with, etc... because it's so oppressive and stuff... But I can't get away from the desire to have a female body, and that, kind of... inhibits me... so much... just messes up my life. I think I'd rather choose not to have that desire (if I can retain my girly personality, of course). But, no... I just feel doomed and broken sometimes, you know? Like my life was set to suck from the start. Boohoo...
(*hug*) The other day I was thinking to myself that maybe I can figure out a way to just wake up as a girl and stop feeling so trapped and miserable. I thought of all the different options and it ended with me realizing that even using my imagination to find a magic solution doesn't end well. It would never be what I truly wanted, I would never have lived my life as simply a girl, the past is unchangable and it is so hard to come to terms with the loss, that feeling that we will never get back the life that we should have lived. I hope that these experiences that we are going through do have meaning, that this journey will end with us making the world a nicer place to live in. That our experiences will give us something that we wouldn't have had otherwise and this will, despite everything, have a happy ending. At least we can find some peace in the thought that we are not alone and others are going down this same path, struggling with the same doubts and feeling of loss and a we need to do is reach out and someone will grab our hand and remind us of what it feels to be alive again. Eveline
Look I would rather have been born biologically female but we make due with what we have. I suppose being happy with your own gender is one thing as well. I suppose if I never had a transgender identity I would be blissfully happy as a male. But you can't like magically brain bleach these feelings. I've been doing that for the past 32 years before coming out.
I can relate although I never want to be a cis guy. I made a thread about this yesterday: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/214030-how-control-these-feelings.html
I've been thinking about this recently as my body dysphoria has been getting worse. I wish I wasn't trans, life would be so much easier, less stressful. Although if I had the choice between being a transguy or a cis-woman then I'd choose guy. I can't see any version of myself being a woman, I'm just not wired that way. You're not broken and your life isn't set to suck, your identity is a part of you and it's teaching you things you would be oblivious of if you were cis. It's difficult at times, sometimes quite a lot of the time, but to be comfortable in yourself it's worth it. To be the *you* that you're happy with is worth striving for.
