Questioning and in Need of Advice

Ok, so hi, to start off, for about 8 months now I've been questioning whether I'm mtf or not, it's a bit difficult to ascertain as I've had OCD most of my life, and when I was around 17 for almost 2 years I was constantly wondering if I was gay, even though I knew I couldn't be as I liked girls to much, and had no interest in being with a guy, though the thoughts still came and sometimes even fantasies. But in the end it all went away and I knew I had no interest in being with another guy.

So this all started when I fell into a deep numbing depression for a whole day after something I don't really feel like talking about happened between me and someone I'd been talking to online for a long time. And it technically had to do with this, and I started wondering if the reason it effected me so drastically was maybe I was trans, and I started thinking back on various things, how if given the choice I would always choose the female character in games, the male just never interested me, though I would always say, and it is partially true, I'd rather look at a female character for countless hours rather then a man.

Also for years online my presence on most sites, that ask about that sort of thing, I'd always post and talk and rp and all that as a woman. How I've never really liked how I look, though that could just be low self esteem, and how I've always taken so much more interest and caring towards F/F relationships in various things, not really caring so much about the F/M.

Now, I've never really crossdressed, I wore a pair of panties twice years ago, though that had nothing to do with preferring them, honestly they were annoying as hell, and recently I tried again, but fully, and I just felt unsettled. You hear how it's supposed to feel right or whatever, not to me, like at all. Plus I've never once shaved my legs and my face is hairy as anything so I'm not sure if that means anything.

Ok, so down to the past eight months, for several months I would spend almost all my time looking things up, and feeling more and more sure that I was indeed Trans, even though none of it really fit me fully, but I could rarely get the thoughts out of my head, and I wanted to tell someone more and more until finally I did. But when I told them, I barely said anything at all really, and once I was done I had a panic attack basically and felt sick and decided, yeah, never doing that again, in no way am I trans.

But a few months later the thoughts began to come back, they lasted a week, and then went away again. And then after a few days they slowly started to come back yet again, and this time just like last I was so very certain that yes I was indeed Trans. And that I wanted to transition, but at the same time I refused to tell anyone, and I kept telling myself in no way was it something I could ever do, especially after how horrid I felt last time. And in about 2 weeks, obsessing over how badly I wanted it but couldn't have it I became more and more depressed, which I forgot to mention I had started to become the previous time. And near the end I could barely function and wanted to kill myself so badly, though I also knew that was something I could never do.

And then I had the dosage of my medication upped, and within an hour of taking it, all those feelings went away like that, and I was certain once again that I was not trans. That was pretty much the last time I was actually certain I was trans, the fact that it would all go away like that once the depression was gone seemed to coincidental to be anything else, especially as my meds also help my ocd.

Since then it's been about a month and the thoughts are always creeping back in on waves of depression, and I read stories about people with OCD getting fixated on thinking their trans, but it doesn't seem like any of them actually wanted it at any point, though I haven't found to many so who knows. But now it's basically a back and forth in my mind, am I trans, am I not, I know I'm not, but what if you are, and so on.

Now, it's the fact that these thoughts really only come to me en mass when depressed that has me going crazy about is it one way or the other, especially as even when I do believe I in no way wish to tell anyone, it's like a wall in my mind that won't let me get near actually doing so. Which if I'm not trans is probably a good thing, as I don't want to come out only to eventually realize, oh wait, I was wrong.

 

No, no, you don't understand though, it's not like that for me, for two weeks I was sure it was true, and during that time, within less then a week really, I just wanted to kill myself so badly because I couldn't live this way, and I knew I could never do anything about it, and then within an hour of taking my meds everything reversed and I was sure that I wasn't.

I'm not talking doubts, I'm talking 100% sure I'm not. And yet whenever my depression starts coming on the thoughts start coming up again.

And like I said, I've had ocd my whole life and I went through this same thing back when I was younger, but about being gay. I mean who knows whether I am or I'm not, but all I do know is it could be the ocd. I mean these depressive thoughts popping up once in awhile suck. And to go from realizing, oh I am, too I just want to die in like 3 days, that can't be how it would be if it was right for me.

Plus one of the only arguments the thoughts use really now adays is how much I would love to be in a lesbian relationship, and in all honesty I think that's just being leeched off my borderline obsession and love for any and all lesbian characters.

 

Yeah I do.

Oh, one thing I didn't put above, I seem to keep forgetting things, tends to happen when I ramble, but every so often I feel compelled to look up like transition timelines, and looking at them I feel weird, and not a good feeling kind of weird like at all.

I mean honestly it's amazing the difference between their old selves and who they really are, and no matter how this turns out for me, if given the chance I'd jump at a chance to go out with any one of a good chunk of those I looked through.

And if I wasn't going through all this that second paragraph would be the only one, but like I said, it doesn't feel right, I guess for me. But that only lasts for like a short time and then a wave of depression might hit me and they'll all start up again.