So I have this million doubts about identity... I wonder... If I'm in fact trying to pass as a man... I'm not cis, for sure, excersicing and voice training, with trying to pass as not female, that's not what cis people do. The point is, it is a pretty permanent modification, and I wonder, if I were cis, I would be unhappy when people call me sir and I would curse this quite permanent androgyny and go on about how I am a woman and woman is a woman no matter how she looks like or what she prefers to wear and I would stick to the woman-who-likes-big-practical-sweaters look, and not try to look non-female. Or not? I would dislike people reading me as male, I wouldn't like being so androgynous. But it makes me happy, I want the sirring to happen all the time. If I was in the middle of the spectrum, I'm not sure how I would feel about it, I would probably find the whole sir and madam thing idiotic, and wouldn't feel any better with sir than madam, sir would feel wrong too. Or why I try so hard to not look crossdressed or like a tomboy. My previous version was a masculine girl with leathers and fake piercings, and waist long hair and blazers and skinny jeans and hoodies and t-shirts and sneakers. Now I compare myself with the guys and if for a guy some article of clothing is too fancy and retro, so it is for me. 3 years ago I made another transition: from feminine to masculine girl. That was okey with my mom, even though I clearly stated then that I want to dress like the guys but I have insecurities about my figure looking bad if I dress like a boy. Now it might be not okey, because I'm making a transition from masculine girl to feminine guy and that's a bit over the board and taboo, even though it takes as little as a few articles of clothing and a haircut. So should I have any further doubts? If I make crazy efforts how to compromise my sense of aesthetics and style with being read as a guy/masculine. Probably at this moment of "sir" is the deciding one, I worked hard for it. I seriously thought that maybe being a masculine girl would be enough, but it wasn't and I headed off towards something more androgynous, identifying as agender/genderfluid, it made sense then. I love having short hair, btw :icon_bigg And I find this expression much more freeing than being a tomboy, because I honestly like dresses and stuff, and it's good to still look anrogynous in a dress. In a way, being non-conforming made my way to passing, because I hit a recognisable style and look pretty believable. For some reason, being a tomboy feels wrong and limiting, it feels like I'm not being myself and can't wear what I truly want, and can't act myself. It feels like I'm suppressing a part of myself for the sake of making a tough impression. But presenting more like a girly guy seems to hit it on the nail. I really thought that I can't be a guy if I don't like body hair and don't feel distressed about my body, or boobs, or if I'm not hypermasculine (or rather: I believed I can't make it). An androgynous guy makes much more sense, it feels more like me. There is nothing I particularily regret about being seen as a girl. Apart from being attractive to guys more / having more clear dating prospects. And not having the problem with bathrooms, my own documents etc.
I think that the social stigma against men wearing women's clothing can hurt trans men from finding acceptance. I do know that at this point in my transition process I feel comfortable wearing men's clothes. However, because I'm.a trans woman, it never really registers as being a reason why I might not be trans. It is mostly socially acceptable for women to.wear men's clothes and as such I don't really care. On the other hand, I'm afraid to go buy women's clothes because of the social stigma and in general it is harder for trans women to take that step in transitioning than trans men for that reason. This is fairly well known, however, people tend to ignore that trans men have the opposite problem. That while they might find it easier to buy men's clothes, they feel that they have less freedom to continue dressing in women's clothes once they begin identifying as men and this is a very real problem in the early stages of transitioninh when they still haven't broken down the social conditioning that they experienced as a child and a young adult. I am sick, so this reply might feel a bit forced but hopefully it is still ok. I do believe that it will do you good to stop doubting because of gender expression. Everyone early on feels the need to continue expressing themselves as they did for all of their lives. It takes time to break down the gender related habits you created over your life. In other words, the doubts are byproducts of the gender expression restrictions society puts on men and as such should be viewed as nothing more than one of the unique struggles that trans men need to cope with when they choose to transition. (*hug*) Eveline
Firstly: Have I told you I find you really cool? :3 Secondly: To not doubt yourself any more would be one helluva feat. If you accomplish it, please give me advice on how to do it. XD But well... I guess I can just say that in general, trust in yourself that your feelings have meaning and that you have them for a reason.
Thank you for yor replies and hugs. That makes a lot of sense. (But I can't open the video, I have to reset my browser) ---------- Post added 6th Jun 2016 at 05:03 AM ---------- Oh, the video works I think you posted it for me already, I personally love this video This is my anwser... I'm sorry I'm not writing to much in response, but I just have nothing to add, and I think it kind of sank into my brain slowly, making sense of a lot of things ---------- Post added 6th Jun 2016 at 05:08 AM ---------- You're completely right, Eveline, thank you for pointing those things out.
