I wish I had never even thought about it.

Man, I would've related to this so hard back in October and November. It seems to me that there's a pattern of intensified dysphoria whenever trans people first begin discovering their identities; it happened with me. As for wishing you wouldn't have discovered trans things at all, I get that too. Things seemed so simple before I had to constantly worry about my gender.

But worse than anything else is repression. Repression, ignoring that you are trans, forcing yourself to live as your assigned gender. Being transgender can be hell at times, but delaying the discovery process is even worse. It might be awful now, but I promise you that things get better even if you feel like they won't. Take things one day at a time, and do your best with coping. Music, exercise, art, poetry, writing- whatever your thing is. Do your best to live now, and you'll feel better with it later.

I've lived that experience and I am still navigating the treacherous oceans of being trans. Hang in there. If you need anything feel free to message me, as well. (*hug*)

 

I feel almost exactly like this on some days when my dysphoria is just horrible. I do wish I never felt my feelings but in the sense that I wish I was AFAB which wouldn't cause me to have these feelings.

 

I often wish I just had either been born female, or just never had dysphoria, too. Or at least not this much. It's only natural to dream about more pleasant what-if scenarios in times of great burden and pain.
Even now I'm not sure whether it's possible for me to perhaps come to terms with my jealousy toward women and accept a role as a feminine guy, or if transition is necessary for me to feel contentment about my gender. I will make sure to work on myself a bit, that I may perceive more clearly my heart's true intent.

 

Addictive, isn't it?

You would be living inside your own head if you kept it to yourself, and living with other people is crucial to the quality of life

Don't say that. It's okey to feel all those things. That THEY don't understand - it doesn't mean there is something wrong with YOU, or that you should beat yourself up. You always have us to talk about that stuff, that's what EC is for.

I've been getting this a lot lately too: but I've seen a video I can't find now, in which the guy was talking whole 10 minutes that it's okey to not know who you are, and accepting not knowing who you are, saying to yourself "I am a person who does not know who they are", that's an option and good too. It's okey to not know - that's how they world is that we don't know, we need to explore everything to see.

Nobody in my closest environment understands what I'm going through either, but it's important to just isten to your heart, I guess, and if you know in your heart that that the sun is yellow, and someone says the sun is blue, f*ck the blue sun, the sun is yellow.

I recently was talking to my parents about my pain, and they didn't want to acknowledge what I'm going through and why, they kept on interpreting everything how they want and not hear what I'm saying to them even in no uncertain terms. It's really difficult.

I know this feeling. You're right if you know it in your heart, f*ck the blue sun.

What I did was dive into the dysphoria, dive into the pain and see how deep the rabbit hole goes, and it goes far, dyphoria shows the truth, you realise that there is no spoon and it bends. You realise the truth, fuse with Agent Smith, blow him up from the inside and fly away. Although it feels like Neo going out of Matrix. You think it can't be real, but it's freezing cold and it swallows you and what you see just when you first wake up just seems surreal and scares the shit out of you. I also like how Neo touches the mirror with disbelief, baffled, I did that so many times, because I realised something was wrong with my reflection, but I didn't know what exactly.

 

I hope I wasn't too self-centred and that I hit it right? If not, I'm sorry, Tony... :/

 

*sigh of relief*

(*hug*)

 

Reliving old treads but, WHAT THE F***?

I've felt this over the recent years when i was on denial (sometimes i had some flaws about "wanting to be the girl i've always been"). You know, feeling that sometimes you can't move on with your life anymore and you want to throw all your transgender feelings to the garbage, but you can't.
Your life it becomes so painful and fake, that you only want to escape from the world and never get back.

 

The more you deny the more insistent or intrusive the thoughts will be. I know it's hard. Things are triggery and you just want to get on with your life. I think you just have to ride it out like you would a cold. And honestly, I doubt transition will completely end dysphoric thoughts. A writer I follow on Twitter who is super out and transiting was tweeting about her dysphoria coming on strong just today. I felt bad for her like I do when anyone's uncomfortable with their body because I'm there a lot, too, but at the same time I felt comforted. I mean if someone as awesome as she is feels that way, too, then we're all not doing this alone. And isolation and being inside yourself too much also intensifies these feelings! Anyway, you're among a lot of people who feel similar ways and we can all talk it out and deal with it together... I hope!

 

Good! Always around when you need to talk it out!