... Those days, where instead of feeling very much like whatever gender identity you have, you just feel like... meh? Some days I feel like I need to transition as quickly as possible before I just wither away into complete nothingness, other days I feel like maybe I can just learn to contend with what I look like physically, with that one-consonant difference between 'she' and 'he', etc., and just live my life. In short: does anyone else have days where you feel like you mostly don't care (even though, for me, at least, I tend to think about gender a lot on those days anyway)?
There are the rare days where I feel this way but it's because I manage to somehow completely ignore my body. During these days, I feel like a normal cis girl for most of the time except when I occasionally think about what everyone around me sees which saddes me just a little but is easy to ignore. They are becoming increasingly rare for me though.
Certainly. If I just had dysphoria every second of my life I would not be able to function. It is easy to ignore it when you are not being reminded. When I'm just by myself, sometimes I think I could be okay without transitioning until I go out and I get gendered one too many times.
Thanks for your answers, Margo and Patrick. Yes, I can kind of relate to that a bit, Patrick, that when I get out and about I start to feel the need more. But somehow that sends me on another loop - like, what if I'm just doing it as gratification for a society that only accepts femininity to be associated with female-bodied individuals? Without social conditioning, would I even have these feelings? And if not, am I just running away rather than facing the problem head-on? Or is the more typical answer true, that I'm running away by doubting? Ugh... Sometimes I just want to tell my brain "Hey. Shut up." and just... I don't know. ._.'
Yeah, that's almost my general state of mind if I'm not being weighed down by dysphoria. It's one of those apathy things I guess, where you kind of don't care anymore--not too much that you feel like you feel like you can live with what you got.
Definitely. I never feel good about my assigned gender, but on days when my dysphoria isn't strong, I feel pretty apathetic towards it. Sometimes I feel like I absolutely need to transition, while others I feel like I don't care much. Even on those days I'd still like to transition, but I would be fine if I wasn't able to.
Yeah I understand that a lot; some days I feel apathetic towards my birth gender and still manage to feel masculine in my body, other days my dysphoria is crippling and I can't wait to be an adult and begin medical transition. :/
Definitely know that feeling. I think the days when I don't think about it are usually days when I'm really busy or totally focused on something else--but even then, it's still running in the background, like Microsoft Update, draining my battery.
Most definitely. Some days (like today) I feel okay being a guy and then I'm like "hey I'll start going to the gym and working out to build my body up" then the next day I'll be like "why do I have this body, I want to be female and cuddles please". It's pretty jarring actually, and I have been wondering recently if starting hormones would make it happen less often or if it will continue (which is one of my fears right now).
I used to get these days all the time before I transitioned. For a bit, they actually made me doubt that transition was the right thing for me.
Let's put it this way. I'm your average, whacky white guy if I'm not being reminded of the fact I've got floppy skin bags on my chest.
"Meh" is a pretty natural state to be in IMO... It just means nothing is too bad at the moment. It's normal that dysphoria fluctuates. IMO, also, it's different to be okey with something than to actively enjoy it. I don't mind if a random person on the bus bumps at me - I don't enjoy it either. I'd rather get some ice cream. You get what I mean?
@emerry Hmm... I think you mean... that ice cream is yum? O: But yeah, thanks. It can fluctuate like that, yes..
I definitely get those days. And that's the gendered feeling I have when I'm too tired or busy to be able to present as anything specific.
You're definitely not alone in feeling this way. My gender and my feelings towards it just come with the dysphoria/euphoria/whatever other feelings come with gender, that fluctuate day by day. Some days I feel so desperate to transition, other days I'm more 'eh' and apathetic or even okay with most things, and on other days I'm doubtful and unsure. I do tend to think about gender a lot but my feelings towards it can vary. Doesn't really invalidate anything though.