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Any other trans people here shocked at the results of puberty?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Glowing Eyes, Jun 4, 2016.

  1. Glowing Eyes

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    What I mean by that is did you have a kind of shock when you realized how masculinized/feminized your body had become? Like, I knew the outside saw me as a guy, that I had a male body, and thought of myself as male but indirectly I thought of myself as having a flat-chested AFAB body. I even looked at myself in the mirror after showering but for some reason never really got that I looked a lot like my male classmates in terms of body shape. Over time, I became aware of what my body really looked like through noticing my AMAB classmates (for some reason, up until 2015 I never realized most of the differences between AMAB and AFAB bodies) and taking a clearer look in the mirror trying to feel euphoric which backfired. I had this weird feeling of "do I really look like that" and "wow I never noticed that. Even now, I feel weird when I actually think about what my body looks like and just try ignoring it which is getting harder and harder.

    Sorry, I know this post was a bit messy
     
  2. anthracite

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    No, I didn't mind. During puperty I kinda pushed it aside and thought I was just a tomboy.
     
  3. Daydreamer1

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    Eh, for me...I never got lucky with puberty, though maybe that's a good thing. I'm going to go to the grave swearing I have some form of gynecomastia because my chest was really weird and different from everyone else.

    With second puberty, it's still too soon to say. I honestly don't feel too different, but maybe I'm just being negative today. I dunno.
     
  4. iamjustababy

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    I felt very weird when I started developing breasts, and when I starting gaining more of a fuller figure. I always viewed myself male because I never really knew the difference between male and female , until I turned 9ish. Then I hit female puberty, and everything went downhill.
     
  5. optionthree

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    Yeah, I know that to others it may sound stupid, but I never thought I'd actually grow breasts or menstruate or really go through puberty at all until it happened. I kinda thought you just chose or something...
     
  6. Matto_Corvo

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    Breast did shock me, but at the same time I wasn't.
    I
     
  7. Mihael

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    I'm not sure how I felt, I had a wierd gut feeling that made me touch the mirror in disbelief, come closer and look at myself baffled like at a stranger, I was completely disassociated since the beginning of puberty, in my own mind I stayed as I was as a child. I stopped comparing myself to women or interpreting my body as female at 15 or so, because it caused me quite extreme dysphoria, I just plain refused to take on this hurtful point of view.
     
  8. Eveline

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    My experience was similar to Emerry's, I was completely dissociated from my body from a very young age, never looked at my reflection and didn't really understand what was happening. I was obviously distressed by my body hair as it was a huge relief to me when it disappeared after having cancer at 15 (as I never looked in the mirror, being bald barely registered.) and years later I wanted the cancer to come back so that the body hair would again disappear. I also prayed every night to wake up in the body of a girl for years.

    I was really confused also about sexuality and couldn't figure out what was happening until I had a very awkward conversation with my mother and then I started feeling extremely dysphoric about it and felt sick thinking about it ever since. I remember feeling shocked at 22 or so when I looked at the mirror and realized that I don't recognize the person that stared back at me and thought how peculiar it is that everyone around me recognize that reflection and to me it was a stranger. :frowning2:
     
    #8 Eveline, Jun 4, 2016
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  9. Kodo

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    Exactly.

    Puberty was very distressing to me. Even considering becoming a full grown woman would send me into a neaseated panic, so instead I dissociated. I didn't and don't see myself as female, so comparing myself to other girls seemed very strange. Instead I compare myself to guys and get jealous.
     
  10. thepandaboss

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    I remember around the same time first puberty started I got super depressed. But yeah, definitely shocked. They were all these little changes that creeped up at once- buds poked out of my chest, my ass got big- I legit thought I was insane because I had trouble recognizing myself in photos.

    Second puberty- well, besides unrelated shit right now, I'm pretty calm. No super obvious physical changes though. Yet. But only week one.
     
    #10 thepandaboss, Jun 4, 2016
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  11. Rickystarr

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    I have had a habit of denying feminine traits in myself that are clearly there. I used to claim I was an alto even though I was clearly a soprano. I really didn't realize it though. I would compare myself to other girls and think I had a much more masculine shape than them. If someone told me I had wide hips or something I would think they are wrong, why would they say that? I always feel taller than I am. I told myself forever I have more testosterone than other girls and I would compare myself more to guys.
     
  12. ChameleonSoul

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    Puberty was a really hard time for me. I was always afraid of having a really deep voice and growing facial hair and body hair nearly put me over the edge. Dissociation has been the main way that I've been staying sane for the past few years and I'm still deep in the closet and I'm stuck playing the part of a guy for the foreseeable future.
     
  13. marriedcd

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    Growing old for me has been rough. Younger I was lithe athletic with a female butt so that in my case was a positive...then a year ago I had gained wght and looked like a fat old man..I felt sick. Hence one reason why I am here, it hit me..your therapist is right, you aren't a cd, you want to be a woman...so I sit here at the abyss ready to tell the woman I do love we have to get a divorce for the both of us...sorry if I took this thread off the wrong way...venting a bit but also allowing you all here who are younger, it can happen WAY after puberty
     
    #13 marriedcd, Jun 4, 2016
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  14. clockworkfox

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    For me, it was like...

    I was told what was happening, but I didn't believe it.

    And then a year later, we had sex ed, and we talked about it, and I was still in denial. "Nope, not me. It's not happening to me!"

    Of course, it already had happened...I just refused to accept it. :grin:

    And the more obvious it got, the more miserable I got, subsequently. :dry:
     
  15. RainbowGreen

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    When my mom first told me about puberty, I thought she was crazy and that none of it would really happen.

    Then, it hit and I hated the changes. I could no longer be shirtless, because of my developing chest. I hated it. Then I had to wear a bra. I hated it even more. Before that, I had my first period. It felt like someone stabbed me in the gut repeatedly. The bleeding was disgusting, but the pain was worse. I was honestly shocked when it happened because I was convinced that if I wished it hard enough, I could avoid it. It doesn't work like that.

    Then, I saw all the boys getting taller, buffer, hairier and develop a deeper voice. I was jealous of them. I was stuck at the same height since elementary school, and they suddenly grew taller than me in a few years? Bullshit. I tried to put on mass a bit, but I learned quickly enough that my body was working against me, so I quit. As for body hair, I cherished the few that I had, even if my mom constantly asked me to shave it.
    My voice was probably the worst thing, though. I sounded like a little boy, and it was the main thing that made people question my gender. Then, when they asked me, I didn't know what to answer because I had no clue.

    Yes, it surprised me. However, T surprised me in a good way. It pretty much reverse the first puberty with changes that I actually wanted.
     
  16. MsEmma

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    This. For example, before puberty, I loved going to the pool in the summer. During and after, I hated it. It was/is a very stark reminder of how my body doesn't match the girls' and I would get jealous. I would try and chalk it up to attraction but it was really jealousy.

    So many little things I did to try and keep my pre-puberty looks, but my suggestion is to talk to your parents/doctor about puberty blockers if that's an option for you. I wish they had been an option for me.

    Sending big hugs to you, Margo! (*hug*)
     
  17. randomconnorcon

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    I was completely dissociated from myself and my body from the age of around 11 or 12. I went from a little boy, running around shirtless and playing in the mud, to... no one. On the outside, I tried to not let people see how bad things were, but mostly I went from loud and excited to quiet. I locked myself in my room a lot, I didn't go out unless a friend was having a birthday party or a sleepover because they were the only friends I had. Anxiety, depression, and, though I didn't know it by name, dysphoria ruled the last ten years of my life.

    It wasn't fun.
     
  18. Mihael

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    Me too...

    I relate to hating swimming too. One summer I went to some beach vacation with my family and couldn't swim because period. Oh man... My mom told me not to move, to wear dresses because a pad can be visible in pants, and not stay in the sun. All joy in life taken away... Add to this that loose t-shirts didn't fit around boobs, cargo pants looked awful on my new hips, I didn't know how to "be a woman" at all, and it was really no good. It took me a long time to recover from this experience, and I cried hard every time I knew period was coming, because I didn't want this girly theatre... I just kept on making up stories in my head, about boys, and transmasculine people who had happier lives than me.

    But then I started thinking to myself that it's a wound opening every month, I'm a warrior, and completely ignored what others have to say about it, and it's good. Recently I don't feel bad about periods at all, I feel as badass as Ellen Ripley :wink: And I started taking care of myself to be who I want to be, I started working out and dressing more masculine, and it's a lot better, I really recognise myself in the mirror. A year ago I saw myself in the for the first time since childhood and that was great, and I'm my reflection staring right back more and more often :slight_smile: So don't give up :slight_smile: There is light out there. I keep my fingers crossed for everyone out here who has bad times now.
     
  19. darkcomesoon

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    I got lucky because I didn't get super feminine, so I wasn't terribly surprised. I knew it was going to happen, and I wasn't thrilled about it but it wasn't awful. I embraced my role as "slightly good-looking girl" and saw my somewhat feminine body as an asset in helping me look good. It wasn't until much later that I realized that what made me fit in and what made me actually feel like me were not the same thing.
     
  20. Matto_Corvo

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    Well, if I'm going to be honesty -and honesty is an important thing to me- I was excited about puberty while in was a kid.
    It was a sign that I was growing up and becoming mature. Family members gift wrapped it as this marvelous thing. Buy the first unsettling thing I felt with puberty were my breast. I mean I was 9 when I started having to wear a training bra. Having been chubby my whole life I was use to fat bumps, but this was different. It also different help that immature boys who noticed I had boobs started making "got milk" jokes. I also stopped running around, playing sports at recess, or jumping around to much because I didn't want any jiggling. I was super self conscious of that.
    When it came to periods I was a late bloomer. I believe I was 12 when I had my first. Before that my family were talking about taking me to a doctor and making it sound like I was abnormal for not having a period yet, so I was relieved when it happen. Then came the words "Welcome to womanhood" and then I felt kind of shocked and sick. I knew girls grew into women, but it hadn't so clearly accured to me that it would happen to me. My mind was Girl then teen then Adult. My mind didn't apply a gender to me once I started thinking of myself as teen.
    The most shocking thing was at 13, when I realized that I was at the upper end of a C cup and quickly merging into a D cup. I always felt my chest area was small so it was unsettling to learn otherwise. After that it was a constant struggle with my boobs. I hated them yet I was suppose to take pride in their hugeness. My periods skipped every other month till I was around 18 or 19 and some health issues were address.
    At some point I just became numb to it all and figured all girls went through this
    Besides that I was also struggling with being picked on for not being "girl enough". Baggy boobs, or the fact that messed up thyroid = facial hair, or that I was 5'9 and too tall for a girl, my body build was to square for a girl, I didn't dress like a girl, I didn't wear makeup.

    Puberty was a confused mess between trying to be what others wanted and trying to figure out why I hated myself, while saying I couldn't be trans because I had no attraction to girls and didn't know what it meant to feel like a dude.