It was pretty unplanned. I saw my therapist today.. And we ended up spending the entire time discussing my struggles with gender identity. On the car ride back, my mom asked what her and I talked about.. And I ended up explaining all of it. How at a young age I was apathetic about my gender, but recently stared having feelings of dysphoria.. and everything in between. It was a lot for her to process, but she stayed calm, asked questions, and told me she loved me afterwards. What else could I possibly ask for? Her biggest concern was that if this was the path I take in the future, it would make life hard for me. It scares me as much as it scares her if I'm honest. I only used the word "trans" a few times, and only as what I possibly might be. I don't know if I should have waited until I was sure of myself so that I could just say- "Mom I'm a boy", or whatever else.. Or nothing at all, if this is a phase or something.. But at the same time, it might be good to have her caught up to where I'm at (which is a stormy period of questioning and uncertainty) so that it won't be some huge secret hanging over my head until I'm finally blessed with clarity. She'll be along for the ride. I'd been hiding it for two long. I was starting to feel the tension. I think I did a fairly good job explaining, but it was super draining to me, and made me start to question things that I'd taken for granted. Like- I have one friend who is questioning whether they might be a trans guy, and one friend who is a trans guy. She asked me, statistically, whether it makes sense that I would be.. Well, not cis, and that I would have two friends having a similar experience, and all of us be trans in the end. I keep going back and forth. People seem to like to think it's a phase a lot, but I've never heard of someone going through this and not being trans at the end of it. What if she had a point and all three of us are just confused kids going through a phase? It doesn't make sense for me to know this many people who are this way, and for it not to be like a common teenage experience caused by hormones or social changes or what have you that will go away in a little while. Maybe I'm overthinking it, and this is just normal and not lifelong and everything is fine. That, and plus those two friends, I have a genderfluid friend and a somewhat genderqueer friend. What am I supposed to make of that? What I told her was that since I sort of hang out with the nerdy LGBT+ kids in general, it makes sense that a higher amount of my friends would be trans* than in the overall population. I think she got it and thought that made sense, actually.. I suppose it would, but I don't know if I can really believe my own explanation after thinking it over. I think she also was unclear on why I couldn't just be me. Like why I couldn't just live my life being viewed as a girl and act however I want to. She sort of thought I was confused because I don't fit into stereotypical gender norms. Which I don't think thats.. I don't know if that's it I guess.. Again, after I explained why these feelings were different, I think she understood.. But part of me wonders why I /can't/ just be me, at the end of the day? Why all the agony over meaningless words? Why does it bother me so much sometimes that I have boobs? Why can't I just be cool with it? I could just be a butch lesbian, and it would make my life beautifully simple compared to the alternative. I'm only 13. This could just be a passing phase. It's only been three months since this started being an issue.. Maybe it'll all go away soon. There's so much doubt with all of this. I go from doubting it's a phase, to doubting it'll last, to doubting it's even real. Believe me, I want nothing more than for it to just disappear in a few months. That would be great. I don't know who to believe. I just needed to ramble a little, and share my experience.. Thanks for reading this far. <3
Just so you know...I have known people to come out as trans at your age or a few years older and nothing ever came of it. It can be a phase, and there is nothing wrong with that. For a while I thought that was invalidating to transpeople in general but that is not so. You have every right to question and later come up with any answer.
Thanks Patrick. I just have a tendency to want The answer NOW. No matter how unreasonable it may be.. And I can't have that, so it's driving me up the wall.
I totally understand. Like I have said before, you are a lot like me. I feel like I need to decide right now all the time.
