I posted a blog about going back into a "confusion" stage again, and I guess I wanted to elaborate on it a bit. Whatever I do, I know my parents will be supportive of me, however, I don't want to rush into anything either in regards to medically transitioning. I feel I can pass pretty well pre-t, pre-op, so medically transitioning isn't a huge priority right now. Do I get top/bottom dysphoria, yes, though I'd say it's mild and I can mostly combat it. The other thing is, thinking about bottom surgery, I don't know if I'd feel right with either part, really. I'd feel more comfortable doing top surgery, but I still have doubts about "moving too fast" or "changing too much". The other thing that's always in the back of my mind, is "what if it's a phase?", "what if I go through with something that's irreversible?" Even though my parents would be supportive of me either way, I still get kind of uncomfortable if they know I'm binding (dad especially), so right now I've been mostly using a high-compression sports bra, which seems to do the trick without being too noticeable. When I think about the future, I see myself as masculine, but I'm still unsure about transitioning. When I look in the mirror, some days I'll see myself as more masculine and be very confident and proud. Then there's days when I'll see myself as more feminine and I'll try and style my hair differently (or mess it up) to look more masculine, which is about all I can do right now to appear more masculine, other than buying more "masculine" clothes. If I see other guys, sometime's I'll get jealous of certain things about them, or I'll try and copy some mannerisms.
