Binary Trans People Understanding Non Binary

I think it's fairly common both ways - binary (trans) people not understanding non-binary people, and non-binary people not understanding binary trans people. Unfortunately.

Hopefully people who identify as non-binary can answer this question, but I'll give it a shot.
Basically, I think the questioning process is very much the same. It involves feeling that you are not cis, which may include an awkwardness with your body, discomfort with pronouns conforming to your assigned gender, despair over society's expectations of how you should behave and what you should wear, etc. From there you have to pinpoint 'okay, what do I want in my life? How do I want to be seen, how do I want to express myself?' These questions may be seen as a subcategory of the bigger question 'who am I?' You have to figure them out if you haven't already, and take it from there. If you're binary, you'll likely but not surely want to go for hormones and surgeries etc., a name and pronoun change, and so on; and if you're non-binary, well, basically the same thing, though less non-binary people choose to go on hormones, have surgeries, etc.

There are many people who do genuinely feel that they are neither only male nor female. These categories, just as with the numerous non-binary identities, are labels. Why it's easier for binary people to recognize what they are is because of that male/female are (much) more common gendered labels. Thus they don't have to swim around in a see of labels before they find one that suits them - it's more readily served.

 

I was asking myself the same question. I really don't mean no disrespect, but according to my research gender identity is based on the way your brain works. Agender/Bigender makes sense in that way, it would be a hybrid brain. But the science behind genderfluidity won't come to me. I mean the way your brain works can't just change so there must be another explantation.

 

Aside from the usual misunderstanding that comes from differences between say, male and female, trans and cis, gay and straight, there might be some feelings of being threatened. The idea that gender isn't truly binary could hurt their cause, or so I've been told by some binary trans men and women.

It's not too different from how bisexuals are seen within the gay community. Some think it's a way to gain attention, keep privileges, and remain closeted. The term "trend" comes up, often.

I don't expect binary folk to know what it's like, but some refuse to even try listening. In a way, it isn't limited to them, but they probably have more contact with non-binary trans, as well as influence over them.

 

@anthracite This is kind of off-topic, but I'm really curious as to why so many trans people are so very essentialistic in their views on what constitues gender. I am heavy into biology, it fascinates me to no seeming end, but I do not buy the current natural science on gender. For one thing, it seems very limited - often supplemented by stereotypes, like "men are better at math", "women are better at language", etc. For another thing it seems very here and there. One scientist will say it's genetics, another says hormones, etc. It's all a mess, and there seems to be few conclusive findings that the scientific community agrees on, at least as of yet.
This idea that the individual organism is a system separate from, and its identity untouchable by, the full force of external, social impact, seems very unconvincing to me in its current state.

 

I can't speak for other people but I considered I might be genderfluid for a time recently but now that I think about it I think it's more (for me) just competing instincts/desires/wanting to be perceived a certain way that are frequently fighting (and even when they're not there's frustration over contemplating how I could possibly transition,) If I feel unquestionably that I am a man for a long period, it's really just that nothing came up that triggered me to feel more like a woman.

I have come across people who have almost two different personalities, no overlap, very black/white on different days and I can't relate to that. So I imagine that is something else entirely from what I experience which is far more of a constant overlap that varies in a way I perceive as being more subtle (though still noticeable.)

 

I think some binary people don't understand or are afraid to understand.
But most binary trans people I know started off thinking they were non-binary at some point or another, so I don't think its to uncommon for them to understand non-binary individuals.

 

Unfortunately, I've seen a couple binary trans people who view non-binary as a "joke" that distracts from their real issues. That they don't know what it's like to be really transgender. You know, to me it's like watching the nerd at school who joined a popular clique start snarling at other nerds and refusing to associate with them. Douchebags can hide behind whatever excuses they want, but it all comes down to a fear that they won't be accepted if they're associated with undesirables.
Plus, it's hard to admit you're wrong. All it takes is one "I'm not like THOSE weirdos" and then one slightly shitty remark can cause someone to spiral into a state of eternal snide defensiveness.

 

I think for me personally I have trouble understanding non-binary identities because my whole identity is based on the binary. It's hard to imagine how someone can feel like a different gender on different days, or just have no gender. That isn't to say I haven't made an effort to learn. I read many posts here about it and I discuss it with a few people more frequently than I've realized.

When it comes down to it I feel sort of bad that there is a whole part of the community that I can't quite empathize with. We are fighting the same fight. There are people who can't comprehend how I am a woman, which to me is understandable, they don't know what it's like to be me or how I feel. If they've never went through the struggle and have always felt aligned with the gender they were born into, it makes it really hard to understand. That's sort of how I feel about non-binary stuff. I don't understand it but that gives me no right to tell people how they are feeling is wrong.

 

Gender binaries are a relation, a field of exception predicated on social expectation. To be a man is to be someone who is a man as far as others are concerned. Male or female genders are a socially predefined set of possibilities within which identities are situated. Everyone is just themselves; it is only when there are other human beings present that it suddenly matters what "yourself" is.

Being outside the binary means that "myself" doesn't even make sense within those sets. There's two primary ways to do this: either being genderfluid, which means taking a little from column a, a little from column b, and forget the difference, or being genderqueer, which means renouncing the whole binary entirely as no longer useful in attempting to relate who I am to others. That is: either being partially in both sides of the binary, or in none at all.

I hope this makes sense. We're both identified by our struggle against sexual essentialism (cis-naturalism which privileges who you are as what your body is), but binary transgender individuals are about overturning the cis-paradigm, whereas non-binary genderfluid/genderqueer individuals are about escaping the cis-paradigm.

As for the difficulties in getting along, I think part of the confusion is the animosity generated by being grouped in together, not just by cis-heteronormative observers, but very often by other LGBTQ people, when the truth is being non-binary and being binary are incredibly different things. I think we'd squabble way less if we all had our own rooms! Especially since the experience of being binary or non-binary could not be more different, and so it doesn't make one iota of sense to be classified as "the same thing."

But in the end we're all just people trying their hardest to be happy.

 

I understand the non binary in an intellectual sense, and I could probably explain what it means to be non binary with success to other people.

However, on a personal level, I must admit I don't get the non binary at all. I can imagine what it's like to be heterosexual or gay, what it's like to be male, but not non binary (an asexual too, as a side note) - and no I'm not mixing sexual orientation with gender, just using examples of different aspects of lgbt I can relate to. As much as I know a lot (I think) about most identities, it escapes my perception. It makes me a bit bitter that I can't have that more intimate understanding, beyond simply knowing definitions and facts.