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I'm in hiding, and proud of everyone who isn't

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by daken96, Jun 16, 2016.

  1. daken96

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Orlando
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I'm in hiding, and I need to tell the world.
    Hi, I'm Jade. That's not my actual name. I'm too afraid to use mine. How are you? I'm not well. In light to what happened in Orlando, I can't keep silent anymore. So I'm here. Hoping someone will listen to me. Hopefully that's you.
    I'm 20 years old. I'm a pregnant woman who feels like a man. I feel wrong. I feel wrong every second of every day. And no one knows except for my husband.
    I showed tomboy tendencies as a child, but never knew why I never felt right. I didn't feel I had the wrong genitalia; I had the wrong place in society. Keep me physically a woman all you want; I want to be a guy. One of the guys. The guy you talk to about football, video games, and the latest Magic cards. The one dressed in boxers, jeans, and the button up shirt with a tie. But I'm a woman. Physically. Now forced into that role by society. I can't tell my family; I was raised that being this way is wrong. I was forced to wear girl clothes because when I was 14 I dressed like a man and that made my parents angry. I "confused people" and that is not what Christianity says to do. No, no, you must fit into your gender. So I hid. Now, as a pregnant woman, I have to go through the mother things. I DON'T WANT TO. I didn't want to plan the baby shower. I don't want to go on shopping trips. I don't want to! I want to be the lounging back having the fun. I want to feed her, but not be this feminine mother role that everyone is forcing me into. I want to be a dad, just like my husband. Afraid to come out as a father, not a mother, and have not only me but my daughter ridiculed and shamed. So instead of telling everyone, I hide. I pretend I'm something I'm not. Even worse for me: I'm bisexual. I'm a married bisexual, and there is nothing wrong with my marriage. I can't show I'm part of this community, because I was also told as a child that anyone who is bisexual cannot have a happy and stable marriage. That bisexuals are hated by gay and straight people alike. That bisexual people are sexually hyperactive and just want to screw everything. That if I say I'm bisexual, my boyfriends will get jealous and think I'm always looking at girls, that if I have a girl who is a friend, I automatically want to have sex with her. That, "It's just a phase, I went through it at your age too. You're not bisexual, you'll grow out of it." And I can't change that view. So I hide behind this keyboard, voicing who I am to people I don't know, and to people who will never know me. So to all of you who are going and showing who you are, among the hate; I applaud you. I am proud of you. You have courage I never will have. You are doing this for all of us, and I can't be happier for that. Please, keep doing it. Keep being proud of who you are, because I can't be proud of me. One day people's view will change, and it starts with all of you who are willing to be persecuted, who are willing to be isolated and ridiculed by those who are full of hate. Keep fighting the good fight. And I will support you from the sidelines, as the coward who is pretending to be not one of you, just a straight, normal, woman. I'm sorry for my rant. I needed to tell the world.
     
  2. Florestan

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm hiding too. And it hurts, especially after Sunday. But even so, it's comforting to know I'm not the only one on the sidelines. Thank you.
     
  3. TinyBumblebee

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Out Status:
    A few people
    You're incredibly brave, I hope everything goes well with your pregnancy. Maybe talk with your husband about trans people, try to test for a reaction? It's never too late to come out, so if you decide to do it, it's fine. Staying closeted is also fine, it is often too dangerous for us to come out, even if staying hidden hurt us.
    I hope you feel a little better for your vent!
    Love from another Bisexual :slight_smile:
     
  4. What If

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2016
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    Location:
    Michigan
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Stick around here. Even if you stay closeted. Being able to share with others like you helps in itself. These people have helped me work out a lot of my feeling just by being here. Dont give in to the ignorance. Stay strong. Sending you good thoughts.
     
  5. weldoa

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2016
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    7
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    Location:
    new hampshire
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thank you for telling your story. I am "hiding" too. But I cannot keep this a secret much longer.
     
  6. Kasey

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2013
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    6,385
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    Location:
    The Commonwealth of Massachusetts
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I hate still faking it at work for a while longer. But when I'm home I live as a woman and feel free as a bird and like you am proud of those who are out and about.

    I get responses from the public saying how proud they are and how much they respect me. Most people either ignore, don't know or outright congratulate me when they see me.

    Also, here's a hint.

    Men and women are not different in the least minus some biological differences. I know many bio women who love sports and video games and magic. I know men who love dancing and being glamorous and we'll groomed and are sensitive. They aren't macho dude bros.

    Everyone seems to think men can't find women to go out with. Just as many women struggle with the same issues as a man does.

    Gender roles and expectations suck. Do what makes YOU happiest.