I am confused about my gender identity.

I am a biological male. I've never really considered I shouldn't be. But lately, especially after these attacks, I've been very seriously considering that I might actually be trans, and that I am supposed to be a female. The Orlando attacks brought it all to the surface, I explained a bit why in my welcome thread.

Short version is that I know someone I'm good friends whose roommate was previously in a romantic relationship with one of the deceased victims, good friends with two more of the deceased, and good friends with one of the injured. There's a couple degrees of seperation there, I know, but it scared me. I started thinking about things I'd been thinking for a while but didn't really stop to consider theimplications of. I decided that had I been in Orlando too, halfway across teh country from my home, I very well may have been in Pulse that night trying to figure myself out and I'd have been a target too even though I wasn't out. Then I felt awful just thinking that right there, because sounded so petty and selfish: "a target too" Ugh. It really made me feel terrible about myself that I thought such a thing when so many innocent people senselessly lost their lives, so I tried to figure out why I thought that.

And I'm now reasonably certain that.... whatever I am, it's not cisgendered. I've been thinking things for as long as I can remember that don't really seem to indicate I'm happy being male. For as long as I can remember I've constantly daydreamed situations where I was female. Inserted myself into fictionalized versions of my favorite stories (in games, books, movies, shows, etc.) as a female. When given the choice of gender for a player character in games I always pick female. I'm constantly extremely self-conscious of things on my body that are considered masculine like the body hair. I can't stress enough how much I hate my body hair. That might not be a trans-exclusive thing, but it constantly has bothered me since I first started growing it in my teens.

I don't exactly have a longing to dress as female, or do female things because I'm not a huge believer of them being particularly important. I have zero problem with how I dress now and if I fully transitioned, I probably would dress exactly the same as I have been. Though I'm sometimes curious what it'd be like to wear a skirt or dress, but those I always pictured as only using as formal wear and never everyday casual.

For something less ambiguous.... , my genitals kind of disturb me that they're there. Okay no, they hugely disturb me. I'm sorry if this section is too graphic, but I can't see a way I can fully talk about my situation without discussing it. it is a bit scary but I think I can't stress how much of a problem I have without explaining. If it disturbs people. I deeply apologize. I'll spoiler the whole thing just to be safe. I will be talking about my thing right now and the events that happened to it that reflecting on now make things seem a bit more obvious now to me.

Spoiler

I can't believe I didn't put two and two together before but really I have issues with my penis. I've done quite a bit of abuse to it that was not fun, not pleasurable, and very, very dangerous sand stupid just because I hated it and didn't think it should be there But I didn't exactly realize this was the reason ay the time, I was just.... well... mutilating it for no apparent reason. Many times I've cut it with a razor and stuck small needles through parts of it. And I'm filled with the overwhelming urge to do so again, along with feelings of anger shame and disgust at the sight of it, every single time my penis gets erect, even now.

I once superglued it shut when I was about 13. That was a horrifyingly bad idea, besides blocking the obvious need for urine to have a clear path out of the body, because glue solidified halfway down the shaft inside my urethra. I pulled it out and caused a lot of damage, though not enough to require anything more than time and meds. I, obviously, had to see a doctor for that moment of brilliance. I never told him what I did. If he was smart enough to realize what I had actually done, he never gave me a hard time for it or told my parents. And... another time, rolling back the clock, because it is a worse event, when I was about nine or ten, I set it against a wooden board and hammered a very thick nail (thicker than most needles meant for body piercings, into the head of my penis and pounded it clean through deep into the board on the other side of it. I regretted that fast, disinfected it best I could, and bandaged it up with liquid bandaids and told no one until this very moment. I still have occasional spasms of pain inside the head of my penis where it went through, probably from scar tissue.

Oh, ho, but you thought that was the worst? No, I went further. Later in my teens, 16 I think, I once was so disgusted with it after a shower one morning before school that I wrapped as many rubber bands as tightly as I could around its base and just left them on and went to school. After an hour I noticed intense pain. I snuck a peak when no one was looking and it was turning blue. I was horrified. I hated the thing, but I was terrified of the prospect of explaining why I did it. Because, remember, at the time, I didn't know it was because I hated it. I just did it without thinking about the why. But I could get no reprieve to have time to take them off. My dad was a teacher at the school that didn't believe in skipping school and never believed me when I was actually sick and needed to stay home and I wasn't about to tell any of them that there were rubber bands around my penis slowly destroying it. So I had to endure it for six more hours until I could get home and get them all off, which wasn't easy. It looked very bad. And I found out later that I would very likely have lost it had it been left on just four more hours. I just let it heal on its own. And I got stupidly lucky because there didn't seem to be any permanent damage.

Since then, even as recently as eight months ago, all I've done is cutting and some stuff with needles, nothing like that nail.

But that said I don't think I hate my body enough that I can't live with it provided I can keep those previously discussed destructive impulses under control. But.... if I could have a perfect, no flaws gender reassignment procedure right now that made me indistinguishable from a natural female in nearly every way, and money and acceptance of family and friends wasn't a concern.... I think I'd do it. Without hesitation or regret.

I don't know if I want to consider it right now, though. I'm 26. My body is done maturing. If I'm just going to look like a male in drag faking, a trying to get as high pitched voice as I can but without being convincing and natural sounding.... I'm sorry if that offends anyone who doesn't have a problem with that themselves but.... I don't think I could live with my body like that because it's going to remind me of my male body and just make it worse with it being... well... deformed. I can tolerate a fully male body more than one that's somewhere between that and where I want it to be. I also don't want to eliminate the possibility of biological children. With someone I love and am married to that's theirs too.

So how about it? Am I just a crazy person with a problem with hurting themselves? Or am I really a transgender female (am I even using the right term?) I don't have any frame of reference to really be certain.

I don't think outing to my family is even an option right now. I can count on one hand the people in my family that wouldn't be likely to disown me over it. And one of those would be incapable of keeping it to themselves despite the best intentions. I but I did say what was rolling through my mind to a few close, trusted friends. If I'm really female, a legal name change isn't really something I can do until outing is a possibility. But... in the meantime.... should I put thought into a new name just to use... myself, privately and with my trusted confidants?

 

I've already followed the closest one to me on Facebook. I didn't know they had support groups though. I'll look into it. Thanks for the suggestion.

 

I opened to the friend I mentioned at the start of my post first before coming here. He understands and has been helpful.

I've approached a homosexual childhood friend of mine through Facebook to see what he thinks. He was sympathetic in the initial conversation. He's always promoting these causes and I respect him a lot for how much braver he's been than me over this. Though since I first approached him he hasn't gotten back to me and hasn't responded to me and I stopped getting "message seen" notifications from him. I don't know what's going on there. I'm hoping he's just gathering his thoughts before responding.

I've asked another who has a sibling that has gone through this. I can trust her but she hasn't gotten back yet. I know I can trust her but she's been busy and has some computer issues right now. There are perhaps a couple others I can trust, beyond that, that's it.

Not even remotely within the realm of possiblity. I'm struggling to pay off mere $5K in debts I have right now. I can't imagine handling the cost of a full transition at this point. I am hoping to be an author, I've been working on a book series for ten years now. Not ready yet but I'm hoping it can help me with this one day. Though I'm not counting on it, I know I'll enjoy writing them anyway even if they don't succeed.

I live on disablity and every job app I've sent in has been rejected for "lack of work history" which is a feedback loop because I can't get it in the first place for not having it. Openly coming out is just going to add another layer of difficulty on top of that.

Wow, you bet there is. Whenever I feel like I have some idea of one answer and six more questions pop into my mind. It's overwhelming.

 

Pretty hard since it's mental. Autism. Can't really change that. But I do what many people do. Try to do what I can to embrace it as part of who I am even if how it affects me loses me friends because of what I say. There's absolutely no hiding that. I have a second disablity, damaged rib from a childhood injury that makes exertion painful, so that can't be hidden.

And to everyone here.... I've had some time to..... I dunno process this all? I got in touch with my other friend I mention and she was a tremendous help. So many things that were happening to me just... lined up so perfectly with what she had witnessed before. And it's just pretty undeniable. after a few hours of conversation, going over everything, trying to digg up more memories... it's pretty obvious that even though the "realization trigger" for this was only in the last week, it's actually been on my mind since I was at least three. I just didn't understand what everything I was feeling meant. I rationalized everything away. Not because I was necessarily ashamed or didn't want it, but because I really did not know what it all meant.

I also took a very, very difficult step. Finding the best candidate in my family to approach. I found one. One of my cousins. She and I never really talked directly, but of course we met at family gatherings many times over the years and talked as part of a group. As a rule none of us talk politics at such things because we don't want the drama so I didn't know who would be accepting. But this cousin I saw had listed very supportive messages of the Orlando victims, scolding people for spreading hate. Like that stuff just weeks before this in all that transgender bathroom nonsense, which absolutely infuriated me. I spent the last day working up the nerve to contact her and finally did this morning. It went well. She was very supportive and admitted our family has a lot to learn.And actually seemed excited at finally getting to directly help someone in this community. Whatever happens going forward, I'm definitely going to need to rely on her. I value my other two friends that helped me and I'll owe them a forever for it, but they don't live anywhere near me. She does. And she's the only chance of the rest of the family ever coming to terms but I have no idea when that can even happen.

With the help of these three, and the encouragement I got here that helped me just... rip the bandaid off, jump into the cold pool, close my eyes as the toaster pops up!!! they really helped just figure this out. I'm very certain I'm transgender. With no fluidity at all. I should be female. It's what I feel like. I have decided I absolutely want a full transition someday. But I don't want to make plans for it right now. I don't want to get my hopes up that it can happen in six months only to find it'd be six years. I'm just going to... take it one step at time and try to figure out one problem at a time. I want to get used to me.. first. The real me I kept restrained by my expectations of what males ought to do. I need to learn more about how I really am.

Tonight, for instance, I watched a bunch of videos by Christina Grimmie and bawled my eyes out over what happened to her. And it felt good... you know to really.... feel being sad with no restraint. To let the full thing just.... express itself without filter. I want to be able to cry openly as much as I need to without people "wanting to "revoke my man card" for being too sensitive. I dunno, guess I won't be needing that card anyway. They can keep it.

I realize now I've been hating myself for years. But the key word was "myself". As in my body. Somehow I always knew it was wrong without understanding why. And it's just such a relief to finally... get it, you know? Now when I cry, it's not for a reason I don't understand, but because... I actually really am sad about something terrible that's happened. I promise to everyone who died in Orlando last week.... it won't be in vain. I can't be the only one who has found themselves because of this event. I'm never going to be able to stop crying if I can't find some way to honor their memories so it's not just a pointless, senseless waste of life. We need to remember and in the face of this terror learn to conquer our fear and not let it control us or let anyone make us be fearful. There is only one path we can take, that's forward. Backward's not acceptable. No matter how scared we are of what could lie ahead.

Hopefully by the time I'm ready to change my outside to match my inside, science and society will have made some progress. I'm already touched and astonished by how much it has already. Five years ago I wouldn't have believed you that the US would get marriage legalized. That happened. Acceptance is just.... rushing forward faster than I can keep track. And... as painful as events like these are.... I try to remember.... the bigots are just getting desperate, they know they're losing and it will not be much longer before any of these things are no more bizarre than the color of your eyes, or your height, or anything like that. Because it is what that is. It's just... part of who we are and that's what people need to understand.

I hope I didn't bore you all with all that but I didn't want to leave you hanging without an answer. Thanks for your help and encouragement. Without even just... working through my explanation trying to remember everything in my life, I don't think I'd have been able to clear up my confusion so soon, which was also sped up by my two amazing friends and my cousin. I'm forever indebted to them. Thanks again.