Questions from an confused mother. [LONG POST]

Well, it sounds to me like your child is transgender, but that's not up for me to decide. You should ask your child directly.

Whether or not they want to go on hormones doesn't determine whether or not they're transgender. Transitioning physically can be very difficult, and it's not the right option for everyone. But it sounds like your child has gender dysphoria and is referred to as male by their friends, so perhaps they will pursue social transition (coming out as male and being referred to as male) and not physical transition.

There are a few things you can do. 1) Educate yourself. Having supportive parents who take some time to make sure they have an understanding of what you're going through feels really good. There are lots of websites online that talk about what it means to be transgender, what gender dysphoria is (and what if feels like), and what might be involved in physical or social transition. You can also ask more questions here and we're happy to help out!
2) Let your child be as masculine as they want. It sounds like you're already doing a good job of this and letting your child wear suits and whatnot. Being forced into a feminine role can really uncomfortable for transgender men (female-to-male), and your child will be happier and more comfortable if they are permitted to express themself the way they want to.
3) Make sure your child has the support they need outside of the family. For example, if there are LGBTQ or trans support groups in the area, make that an option for your child. You don't have to try to convince them to go, but it could be helpful to let your child know that the groups exist and that you would be supportive if they wanted to attend. Also, if possible, try to undo some of the belief that therapy is a sign of weakness. If you child ever decided to physically transition, seeing a therapist will be a necessity, and it would be good if they didn't have to feel bad about that.
4) Similarly, if there are any support groups for parents of LGBTQ children, that could be helpful for you. It can be helpful to be able to ask questions and talk about difficulties to other people who are in situations like yours.

Honestly, the most important thing to do is just love your child. Having a trans kid can be hard, and it's almost impossible to be a perfect ally to your child. There are always going to be things you slip up on or you don't quite understand, but if you're trying, your kid will be able to see that. The fact that you're asking for advice here is a perfect start, and it shows that you want to be supportive to your child. Just do your best and love them no matter how they identify, and you'll do a fine job

 

It's good that you're seeking advice for your kid and concerned for them. I'm sure that wanting them to be happy means a lot to them.

There are various gender identities. You're probably familiar with the binary transgender (male to female and female to male). But there's also bigender and agender. You said they SOMETIMES wants a penis.

I'd honestly look into getting a therapist that specializes in gender issues, even though her dad doesn't like it.

I'm sure somebody else will chime in a give better, detailed advice

 

Sounds pretty clear to me that your kid is trans and they are very aware of it, just scared. You should probably start referring to them with male pronouns if that is what they want you to do. It is a great way to show some support. And respect. If you're not sure, ask. You don't have to go on hormones to live as a man, though for some people it certainly helps.

 

Some people can present as male effectively without physical transition just through masculine clothing, hairstyles, and body language. Others (like myself) are physically too feminine to be read as male without physical transition, but for some people it's enough to be seen and treated as male by friends and family (possibly coworkers if they're in an LGBT-friendly work environment), even if strangers still think they're women. Whether or not that is enough for your child to be comfortable is a personal decision for your child to make.

 

Look up Ryan Cassata.

 

Also Alex Bertie. He's a transguy on youtube who recently started hormones but before that passed insanely well.

It sounds like your daughter could be trans. There are a lot of things you wrote that indicate this. I'd definitely recommend reading up more about it so you might have a better idea of how to support them, no matter what happens.