... like a plastic bag? Nah, just kidding. What I meant was if you ever feel kind of cheated about your gender identity? I mean, I feel that at the same time as I don't feel gender is supposed to 'matter' very much, that 'not supposed to matter' is reliant on that gender, for most people, is just so obvious. From a very, very, very, very, very optimistic point of view, I guess I could say that the whole trans thing is a unique experience that teaches you about life. Well, sure, that's true. But really, I think for most trans people, predominantly their being trans brings a lot more pain than anything positive. I kind of feel like... most people just got the gender they instinctively wanted without paying anything in return or having to ask for it. And I think 'why me?' That's probably self-obsessed, but aren't we all.
Well, there are a lot of times when I really enjoy being trans. Sometimes I feel like, "Wow, you've really put up with a lot and you're still swinging." I like thinking back on being AMAB but still wearing girl clothes because I wanted to and they felt right no matter what. And having this "outsider" feeling. I was telling my partner just yesterday I've always been different. My mom used to tell me that even when I was a kid, but in kind of an admiring way, "You are different." On the other hand, there are a number of times when it's painful. That I feel currently obligated to present as male (even though I make up for it to a certain extent by being so open about other things related to my being trans or simply a woman). That sometimes my partner will tell me I don't understand certain things when I mostly DO understand them. When I was younger I hated my body for being too girlish. Now things trigger me and I look at it as not being womanly enough. Sometimes I ache for experiences my friends had I didn't. I know gender experiences aren't universal but some are more common for women and I only got to experience them vicariously, even the ones that can be scarring or damaging. I've always craved them all. Sometimes I really, really, really ache for a sense of belonging and sisterhood and just being. I'm sure everyone whatever their identity goes through these things to a certain extent, but I feel my trans being has amplified them and altered them. So sometimes I feel I get strength from that but sometimes that strength is building scar tissue against pain. So yeah, I tend to view it optimistically but at the same time I kind of feel... well... shortchanged in a way, too. My way. But still it's a nagging thing I'm constantly aware of. Like always finding that scar on my hand where I got stitches.
Of course, I'm sure we all do. But I try to look at it in a positive light. Or maybe more fatalistic. I like to think maybe I was a misogynist in a past life so I was born again female to show me how the other side lives. Not saying it is like a punishment (that sounds kinda fucked up lol), but sometimes it is comforting to think everything happens for a reason. I was born trans, which sucks in a lot of ways, but it also gives me access to multiple viewpoints first hand and has helped make me a more empathetic person than I would probably be otherwise.
