I feel like I'm not "trans enough"

I feel like this all the time

 

I think that's a fairly common fear...I used to have it and I still do to some extent. However, a lot of trans people didn't know as kids...I think it's one that you hear maybe more than other narratives because it makes for good stories for documentaries and stuff like that. Not sure the best way to get over it, but the more you read other people's trans narratives the more you will see how common it is to figure it out later.

 

Oh boy, can I relate sometimes. I really hate that the "not trans enough" crap is still happening, and it's our own community generally pushing it on each other rather than cis people. I've seen trans guys get told they aren't "real men" by other trans people because they like cute stuff, wine coolers, and anything that's not hypermasculine. And that's so fucked up and wrong.

While it's true a lot of people realize their feelings at an early age, it doesn't make them "more trans" or "better" than someone who started putting the pieces together at 30 and not 3. I say stay true to yourself as best as you can, and screw anyone who makes you feel like shit. Give yourself as much time as you need and as much self-love as you can. This can be really tough to overcome, but I know you'll make it

---------- Post added 18th Jun 2016 at 11:22 PM ----------

As Vertical said, there's a lot of trans people who didn't know until they got older.

I'm not 100% sure about when he knew, but FinntheInfinncible is an older trans guy who documents his transition on Youtube and Tumblr and I think he said he didn't know until he was in his 30s; and there are plenty of others who didn't know or transition until they were way older. I don't know his name, but one guy popped up a lot on tumblr for transitioning in his mid 50s.

 

Everybody has their own unique narrative. For example, a lot of people don't realize until puberty jacks up their body. Some manage to repress their true feelings for years. Some people just haven't ever really thought that hard about it. The list goes on.

If somebody unironically tries to pull that "trutrans" crap on you, just ignore them because honestly it's none of their business. It's your life after all. The whole notion about not acting girly or manly enough to be trans is just perpetuation of gender roles.

Don't worry so much about what makes you feel "trans enough" and just make sure you're doing what makes you happy.

 

Yeah, I definitely worry about this. All the stories about transpeople we here in the mainstream media seem to follow the exact same narrative, I think because it makes it easier for cis people to swallow. The media doesn't like complicated stories. I didn't knowwhen I was a child and didn't even start presenting masculinely until I was a teenager.

 

Oh, there are so many people - including me - who had absolutely no idea they were trans at a young age. I didn't even really start seriously thinking about or questioning my gender until I think the age of 16/older, when puberty had already done most of its rather disheartening job. I too, sometimes feel not trans enough for this reason. But I've learned to be more at peace with it.

The whole idea of "trans enough" is irksome and hard to shake, and I get it. But you are absolutely trans, and enough. For many reasons - societal pressure, or unconscious denial, or more - many trans people may have very little idea (or none at all) that they're not trans, until teens or beyond. If anyone tries to invalidate you for the reason of age or something, don't pay attention to them. Every trans person's experiences are unique and valid in their own way.

There are definitely trans people who always knew or knew from a super young age, but there are just as many who did not. Your identity and experience is your own, and it's valid. You're not pretending.

 

I think that's not just a feeling that trans people experience, but many people on the lgbtq spectrum. I struggle with the feeling that I'm not bisexual enough, since the majority of women I'm attracted to are more on the androgynous side. Even though I know I'm bi because I'm sexually and romantically atractted to both sexes, I still feel like I have to be interested in reall feminine women because that's what I've seen. I also just figured out my sexuality, and had not clue about it when I was a kid. It's perfectly normal to not discover yourself until you're older. I know of a guy who didn't figure out he was a trans male until he was in his 20's, and have a friend who just realized she was gay at age 18.

 

Hey, you're only 16 and already seem to have a good idea of what you are; I didn't know I was trans until I was 24. Some people don't know until they're in their 40s or 50s. Just because you didn't know right from birth doesn't mean anything. If you feel that you're a boy, then you're probably a boy. There aren't any requirements for being trans other than, in your case and mine, you feel like a boy trapped in the wrong body (or the other way around). Don't sweat it with all of this "not trans enough" nonsense. If you know what you are, then nobody else's opinions should matter.

Not sure how much that helps you, if at all, but I tried.

 

Trust me, you are not alone in this feeling.

My wife is a transwoman, and she began her transition at the age of 23, not realizing that she was a woman until she was 21. During the first year of her transition, she faced a great deal of external criticism and internal doubt.

Because I married a transwoman, I am frequently told by rather uneducated transphobic lesbians that my marriage is "not really gay." So I get it, too.

Nobody can define your queerness for you. Your gender identity is about you, not anybody else. The labels that you use are tools for you, not road-signs for the people around you. If you say you're a transman, then that's what you are, and no one can take that away from you. I know that fighting the internal self-criticism and self-doubt is the hardest part. I promise it gets easier the longer you're at it.

Be very conscious of your self-talk, the way you talk and think about yourself. Validate yourself. Treat yourself well.

 

Dude, I didn't figure it out until I was a teenager, either. You're absolutely trans enough.(*hug*)

 

Gender is a social construct -> Genders don't by definition act a certain way -> It's literally impossible to "not be trans enough"

*shrug*

I wouldn't worry about it.

 

Where is the line for "trans enough"? There's no way to quantify trans, you are......or aren't.

 

Yeah I think about this a lot, especially as I was really 'girly' before the age of say 7 or so, then I became less so gradually, significantly less after around 11. I'm nb though. I think I've always been worried about not being manly enough, the only exception being physically where I sometimes want to look more masculine but othertimes I'm OK, and mostly want to be relatively androgynous, never want to look really masculine. So that ties in generally and with the idea that you can't be nb like 'if I'm this feminine and nb, guess I'm just confused'

 

"Trans enough" is trans enough for you. And the answer is, you always are trans enough no matter how you present or where you are on the spectrum or when you became aware of it.

 

Since gender is largely a social construct, I don't even understand how people can know they are trans since early childhood. Sure, you will probably show some signs, but unless you have male siblings and parents who don't shove barbies down your throat, how could you really know? Even my dad isn't very masculine besides his job. He hates sports and is soft spoken. He grew up with six sisters, no brothers. I imitated him a bit, and envied him a lot (I learned how to cross my legs at the knee from him, copied his style of dress when I was a bit older, and envied the prominent veins on his hands and feet and arms, etc.), but I had no other men in my life so I played with what I had and generally acted how I was supposed to until I got old enough to really rebel. That was when androgyny and later masculinity really showed itself to me as an option as a teenager, and every additional step I took towards masculinity just like, made something click in my head. The most recent click was growing out my armpit hair only a few months ago, even though I never shaved my legs. I was like "wow, I can't believe I never did this before. This feels so right." But I never did it before because I have always been taught it is disgusting.

So yeah, it is too easy to find yourself pushed into certain roles without even realizing you don't want that until you are older and realize there are alternatives.

 

I grew up in a very masculine family environment (two super dude older brothers and a traditionally manly-man dad with a lot of ultra macho uncles) and didn't know what trans was until I was old enough to read the supermarket tabloids some neighbors had that were forever running sensationalized cover stories on the topic.

I do know I presented as a girl despite being told otherwise and having my behavior "corrected" until I started elementary school. I played almost exclusively with girls, thought of myself as a girl, told my family I was a girl, demanded to be called by a girl's name... and then when I started being socialized to other kids outside my immediate initial environment, that's when I started saying, "Nah, girls are gross. I'm a boy" as protective coloration. But if I'd been left to my own devices, I would have been wearing dresses from the start. Not exclusively. Not many girls I knew did all the time, after all. I remember crying because I had to wear trunks and not a bikini like my friends to go swimming. Consequently, I refused even to learn to swim until I was older and consciously trying to conform to a male gender role. Masculinity was a conscious choice and I pursued it as vigorously as I could while slipping back into things like shaving my legs and wearing my hair in pigtails in private.

But I can't really say for certain when all that started. Just that it was pre-school/pre-kindergarten. I really don't know. I just know that we have different experiences and it's not up to me to judge others or decide what is valid or not. I definitely don't think anyone should be forced to adhere to a standard narrative in order to validate themselves. I let them tell me how they got here. And then I accept what they tell me.

 

I wouldn't feel too bad. I was androgynous/sort of femme when I was a kid (had Barbies but played Pokemon all the time). I personally didn't figure anything out until I was 18 and preceding that, I actually went through a phase where I presented hyper feminine. Not everyone is born knowing and not knowing until you're an adult doesn't make you more or less trans.

Also, who the fuck says wine coolers aren't manly?

 

Ha speaking of my not too masculine dad (though you wouldn't know it just looking at him. He has a full beard and is very handy. He is a carpenter but also works on cars, computers, you name it.), my dad cannot stand "manly" alcohol. He loves wine coolers, appetinins,
Anything fruity. He is also very afraid of seeming gay though so he wouldn't be comfortable ordering that stuff in a bar. Only jager bombs XD. I on the other hand am a beer snob (wine too though!) And always try to get him to try my good stuff and like to watch the disgusted faces he makes when he drinks any beer but bud light lime haha

 

Parents crack me up sometimes!