When I was a child, around when I began puberty(ages 9-11), I was what is considered a tomboy. Similar to the experiences of many transgender people, that was the time I began to feel uncomfortable about my body. I was terrified of having breasts, and I would punch and scratch them until they bruised in the hopes that would prevent them from growing in. I would do the same with my hips. I struggled with the feeling that being female/female gender roles were forced upon me. I also felt very uncomfortable with the boyish parts of my personality, since I felt like I was breaking some social contract. In addition, I developed a whithering fear of pregnancy, since it meant to me that my biology as a female was meant for having children.(Ironically, I thought having periods was pretty cool.) When I was around the age of eleven, I developed a minor earting dysorder acompanied by body dysmorphia. As is typical, it was out of the desire to conform to female standards of beauty. This lasted brutally for about a year, which is when I got into the goth subculture (actual goth, with The Cure and Bauhaus and Joy Division). This helped pull me out of my rut, and is also when I began to wear large amount of skirts and dresses. I got into make up, and became relatively feminine and comfortable whith my female body. I also discovered my love of menswear, and fixated on the idea of being a dandy of sorts. This trend of wearing skirts and dresses, but also liking menswear continued until about seven months ago. I recently got my hair cut short, and have begun to weat androgynous clothing again. I feel more comfortable with myself than ever before. Also, from the age 15, which is when I first found out about genderqueer, and on, I have wanted to purchase a binder so I can look more androgynous in clothing. The idea of having big boobs terrifires me, and I would definitely consider having breast reduction surgery if I become uncomfortable with their size. So, I want to know what others think. Does it sound like I was suffering from gender dysphoria, despite the fact that those feelings largely went away? I feel most comfortable when I envision myself as being physically androgynous/ gender nuetral, so that fits into the context of my affliction pretty well.
You may be nonbinary, genderfluid or something else. You should get a binder and see how it maked you feel. :icon_bigg
Yeah, that could've been dysphoria. I remember hating my curves as well, even before I knew I was trans.
I can relate to some of the things you said. I presented pretty feminine for a couple of years and I knew that I looked good, objectively speaking, I just didn't feel like myself. Once I discovered I was trans and dressed more masculine I felt way more comfortable. I agree with Patrick, buy a binder and see how you feel. Take small steps and examine your reactions and see if you want to take things further.
