Hey everyone. Since finally accepting my identity, I've been a lot more aware of the times when I slide up the scale towards feminine. As an AMAB who's arrived late to the party this is obviously more noticeable and uncomfortable than sliding the other way. Will I ever get used to it, or will the sliding always be uncomfortable to some degree?
It might become more comfortable as you become increasingly comfortable with yourself. I slip and slide. When I first got up even the nerve to admit to myself I was a woman I was comfortable with an androgynous presentation. After all, most of the women I hung out with wore jeans most of the time and tees. I could wear a slightly smaller tee and fit right in without having anyone say boo. All skatery tomboy. But then I had days where I didn't feel just like a woman, I felt like a femme woman. That made me uncomfortable at first. Like, "Okay, so I'm trans, I'm doing what I can to express my gender and be my true self... why do I have to have this thing for dresses, too?" It didn't seem fair! But I'd always had this interest in fashion, especially in Japanese street styles, so it just started feeling more "right" for me to express myself in more traditionally feminine ways at least as far as clothes and makeup and things like that. I was horrified to be turning girly-girl after promising myself I wouldn't have to. Then I was like, "Screw that. I like what I like. I feel how I feel." I could put on a dress and some Doc Martens or sneakers and feel kind of femme-butch. Like a girl who was a boyish girl or a girl who was a girlish boy. So I say slide all over the place and enjoy wherever you end up!
I'm also genderfluid, and I've noticed that some shifts in gender just honestly suck more than others. Sometimes, even though I was AFAB, shifting to feminine is a self-conscious and embarrassing feeling. Prickly. It might have something to do with my negative associations with having been put in the role of cis-girl when I knew it didn't feel right.
