I know, this probably sounds old-hat, but I think society pushes straightness to such an extreme point (in both macro and micro terms), that I find myself talking myself out of anything but straightness! (of course my interest in women must be a "phase"... I'll like men again, right?) I'm angry and sad that I don't know what straight is. I don't know what it authentically feels like to be straight. I wonder if I've missed something. I think I have a form of "learned straightness...." I know how to act, I know what to do. I know how to please a man. I know how to get their attention... I know what works. I know that being a woman who likes men will help me rise up in society... and that annoys me. I am annoyed that society had pushed STRAIGHT on me. What do you think?
I know it sent me trying to be straight for a long time and hating every time I had a thought or a longing that was outside the range of "acceptably straight." Part of that for me was learned transphobia, especially the internalized kind. I can't be trans! I'm attracted to women! Well, guess what...
I tried my damn best to hide anything that remotely resembled homosexuality as a youth. Growing up with traditional parents, the pressure was on before I was even aware of what I was into. So I observed. And learned how to act in a way society dubs as 'straight.' The only thing I was ever really called out for was being mostly antisocial, but I didn't care much for that. I never really liked people to begin with, but that's an entirely different subject.... Point is, attempting to blend in was one factor that caused me to lash out at school. Being someone I wasn't, repressing my feelings....I already knew it wasn't going to end well.
That's true for me, too. The lashing out. I didn't do much to blend in in other ways but I was so stressed someone would read me as a girl that maintaining the front of learned "guy" stuff that didn't really come naturally to me left me with little energy for keeping my temper in check. People thought I was just this punky little rebel but I was desperately unhappy and in over my head portraying what I thought a "guy" was supposed to be.
Society can absolutely pressure you a lot (both unconsciously and consciously), to be straight. It's everywhere, and sometimes people don't notice it, but there is a huge pressure to be heterosexual, and it causes a lot of non-straight people to have to go through a lot of attempting to fit in/denial/bargaining/repressing, before accepting and understanding themselves. I get that whole "learned straightness" thing to. Sometimes growing up in a society that is so geared towards heterosexuality as the norm you just have to learn how to (if, from a woman's point of view), attract men, look good to men, try and have feelings for men irregardless of whether or not you do. It can then be incredibly confusing for (in this case), same-gender attracted girls to figure out what their sexuality is, and I'd say it's really unfair, but at the moment that's reality. You haven't "missed out" on anything by not being straight. Nor do you need to try and feel/be straight if you're not - the most authentic experience you'll have is in being who you are, whether you're gay or bi or anything else. I'd say that if we're talking about missing out on things, straight people are also missing out on same-gender attractions :lol:
I believe society has influence on everyone, somehow. Many people struggle to recognize and accept their own orientation because of their environment. Even with accepting parents, you can feel pressured to think it is just a phase (speaking from the little experience I have). Knowing how to act towards men, as you do is not particularly bad, simply not useful in your case. XD You don't miss anything by being gay since you can't really chose who you love. Being with the opposite sex would probably feel like a forced relationship, so do what you feel is good for you, which is sometimes hard to determine, I admit...
