I am a crossdresser and married (my wife doesn’t know). For many years I've been repressing my feminine side. I don’t have many opportunities to dress up, but I suddenly have an opportunity to take a job in another city hundreds of miles away where I would live there during the weekdays (would have my own place) and fly home on the weekends. This would finally give me the time and opportunities to dress up and explore my feminine side (and would help me figure out my gender identity), but I feel guilty taking the new job because my wife doesn’t know the real reason. I also feel like I’m hurting my career because there are other, better job opportunities in the city where I currently live. I feel like gender identity, family, and career are all clashing together. Please share your thoughts - thanks!
I think exploring yourself, your interests, and identity should always come before career so I don't think there's any guilt in taking a "good enough" job over a great job in order to have more for yourself. However, lying to your partner is venturing into some seriously grey area ethics-wise. I'd advise you to think about how this choice will affect her reaction when and if you do tell her about your true identity. What if, for example, she's completely fine with you being a cross dresser or a transgender woman, but is too hurt by the distance and deception to take support you? Though incredibly scary, I would suggest considering coming out to your wife sooner rather than later. What if she's open and ready to be supportive, allowing you to take the better job at home, keep your family together, AND explore your gender identity? You're guaranteeing that this will not ever happen by not being honest.
Hey there, tr67. I noticed you're from California and was wondering if your wife was as well. In the United States it always appears that California has the most accepting/supportive people for the LGBT community (at least more compared to other states). Anyway, if you want to explore your more feminine side, you could always start slow and maybe discuss with your wife that you want to try a few new things that may not be typically expected. Or straightforwardly ask her what she thinks about crossdressing, the transgender politics that's be in the media lately, but in a subtle way. You could even open up a news article on it, or a video, and slide her into a simple discussion, just to test the waters. As for your taking a job in another area and traveling, it is up to you ultimately and it does come down to an ethics thing and whether or not you're sure you can keep it hidden from her long enough to find out who you really feel comfortable as. I really wouldn't recommend it without at least giving some hints to her or having a quick talk, or unless you're almost certain she wouldn't be okay with it at all. Also, if you do speak with her and she doesn't take to the idea right away, it may take some time. I suppose it depends on how masculine/feminine you behave already on a daily basis.
