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I feel like I'm being pulled from a dream...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Matto_Corvo, Jun 23, 2016.

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  1. Matto_Corvo

    Matto_Corvo
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    Here lately I have become to feel as though I'm being pulled out of a dream occasionally.

    The best way I can explain, agine you're sitting with your friends at a table. Everyone is laughing and having a good time, and for the first time in a long time you feel as though life is great. You're caught up in that moment of happiness with them. Then suddenly its like you take mental step back, your mind escapes that bubble of happiness and has you look at the scene as an outsider and all you can think is "How long will that last?" Like you can feel an end coming.

    That has been happening to me lately. October 2014 I realized I was trans, and by January 2015 I knew without out a doubt I was not female. Here it is June 2016 and I'm in school and making plans to transfer to a place where I can start transitioning. My life is moving forward for the first time and I feel excited. But then I seem to pulled from this dream I am building around me. It can just be a passing thought or a comment from my family. Asking what I'm going to school for, where I'm going to go, the realization that they think I plan on staying in this state, just a ton of different things that make me realize how little I've told them of my plans.
    Sometimes its like I'm being forced to face reality and then I wonder if I will even get where I wish to be, or do what I want to do, or be who I want to be. It causes a little panic and makes me want to just tell everyone what I wish to do, but then I worry they won't approve.

    Mostly I'm worried about my gender and how they would take the news that I plan to transition.
     
    #1 Matto_Corvo, Jun 23, 2016
  2. Kasey

    Kasey
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    These feelings are normal. It feels like every time I go out with friends and have a good time, it feels like a dream and I fear I will wake up and it was all a cruel joke.

    I'm getting closer to fully transitioning myself but there is always dealing with my parents in finally exposing myself to the world and them dealing with in laws as well as coming out at work. My journey isn't over.

    But I know the feeling of what you are saying.
     
    #2 Kasey, Jun 23, 2016
  3. Matto_Corvo

    Matto_Corvo
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    I'm just worried I'll give in and give up the dream when the dream has been the best thing I've had in years
     
    #3 Matto_Corvo, Jun 23, 2016
  4. PrettyinPunk

    PrettyinPunk
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    It may come off as a 'duh' thing but if your dream is that good why give up on it?

    I get what your saying. The unknown can be unnerving especially when you have all these expectations from your family and the world. You may feel like by now you should have everything planned out. That's not always the case, sometimes it takes time to figure it out. Or maybe you need to wander aimlessly for a minute. What do you know for sure? That your a guy and transitioning would be great for you right?

    People will adjust, don't stress about them. Do what feels right for you.
     
    #4 PrettyinPunk, Jun 23, 2016
  5. Matto_Corvo

    Matto_Corvo
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    You're right. Fear of the unknown and fear of revert are what plague me right now. But if it's between living the dream, and leaving the rest of my life dreaming about the dream, then I should probably go for living the dream.

    Currently in the process of researching schools. What I can do with the degree I want, fincial aid (scholarships and grants as well ad loans, and how I can get to said school when semester is about to start in case no one wants to go with me.
    If I have all that ready and present it then they have nonreason to tell me its impossible.
    The only thing I'm not sure to do is if I should explain that I also want to move to transition
     
    #5 Matto_Corvo, Jun 24, 2016
  6. Kasey

    Kasey
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    Fuck no. Chase the dream. Live it.
     
    #6 Kasey, Jun 24, 2016
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