Off my chest; still a mess(Long, lifestory-ish)

Hello my name is Gabriel for all intensive purposes and I'd like to apply to your job. I am an upstart male.. wait a second..

I've had alot of things on my chest recently, and I don't know how to handle them. Frantic I've settled on just telling someone who is less likely to shoot me, my good Ole pall the Internet. I was born on the streets, my parents had no money. My mom was 13 living on the streets, and my dad was 16 living on the streets. My dad had already had 4 kids and another wife, so he left my mom and went to live with the other women. My mom had two kids, me and my older brother izhar. We grew up mostly on the streets, dumpster diving, pan handling, stealing, etc. Then my mother found my step-father who offered to take care of us all and live in the suburbs far away. I was 6 years old when that happened, what looked to be a fairy tale ending didn't happen. My new father was very abusive, he would burn our clothes, throw us up in the air and not catch us, flip the cereal bowl on our head out of the blue, etc. My mom tried protecting us for many years, but she had become deeply depressed and stopped functioning around when I was 7 years old. My older brother was also abusive, besides forcing me into sexual acts he would also beat the snot out of me at times. At school I was bullied to no end, my parents wouldn't buy me clothes, so I ended up wearing the same thing every day. Because of this I would never work with others and would sit in the corner and complete tasks there. Luckily on my first day, a extremely bright student became friends with me, somehow. I'm not sure what he saw in me, I mean I did not even know who to smile till I was 13 and learned the word friend when I was 14. But for some reason he managed to follow me around, despite this my depression was starting to form. The kids at school would never cease to stop teasing me, and at home I never seamed to manage to get through a day without a fresh bruise or worse. I was forced to pick the lesser of three evils, my older brother. Izhar was far more sociable and managed to pick up friends wherever he went, sometimes I would get the opportunity to play at these friends houses. (Remember I grew up without any real entertainment) I played with anything I could get my hands on, I understood at that point it did not matter what it was, it was to be cherished. Around this time I was raped, around three times. My older brothers friends where in a sense a lot like him, and would tackle me down to the ground flip me over, and well you get the point. I had very little life in me, and eventually decided to hide in my basement everyday because I couldn't take the pain anymore. I used to cry every other day, sometimes in school when I would just seem to implode and just sit and cry, sometimes at home when I would stifle my voice and sob in the blankets. Over time I developed my own world, I had journals filled with my ideas and my wonderful world where everything was bountiful and pain never existed. Gender had little implication on me my parents had managed to never teach me the difference so I just made the assumptions based on what I liked. I poured everything into these notebooks, and my imagination was never ending. To put it down in words, I would read something; adapt all the good parts and "re-write history" in my little notebooks. At this point I managed to read most of the books in my school library, and would walk to the nearby library. To describe how it would be like to meet me back then, I'd be rather cold; heartless, emotionless, blank at times, and distant minded. In the end I can say I survived only to face a far worse demon, self realization. I was maybe 8 or 9 years old when I reanalyzed the difference between men and women whilst surfing the Internet at the library. At first I blew it off, and was like ah thats cool one has a "ding and the other a dong". Then I went to school, and gradually noticed the real difference. Then I would walk around town and look at shops and notice some clothes was for men, the others for women. Then I realized most of the things I wanted, and ogled over where for women, and the things I tended to scoff at where for men. For some weird reason this infuriated me. The nail in the coffin was when I was told a man was supposed to love a women and a women a man. I did not know what love was so my logic was "Men have sex with women, Women have sex with men". Then I realized I had the body of a boy; and had intercourse with another male. I began loathing myself, hating what I was, hating that I had violated this unknown sacred rule. For some reason I assumed it was best that I die for my actions, but right before I was about to hang myself I thought. What if a man was a women, genetically; but it never showed.This logic may not be very sound, but it saved my life. So I devised a plan, I would go to sleep; and the next day my body would transform into a females; and because no one noticed me anyway it would be the same as before, but I could get everything I wanted. I thought for some reason my mom would suddenly care for me, and she would get me all the pretty dresses, and buy me expensive jewelry and some type of princess magic would happen. Pathetic, but it was a dream, a good dream at that. I adored the idea, the self freedom it granted. The liberation of all my awful woes, life had brought. As you may know, this was imposable. I was somewhat aware of that, but what else did I have. As a backup measure to make sure I gave my life plenty of time to transform I decided I can never harm myself, or maliciously harm others. I assumed other people would kill me if I had hurt them enough so added the last bit as protection. Sadly, I started hating myself again. With every passing day I would realize I was still a man and still had committed a grave crime, still had no one who cared about me, still had problems, still had little to no solutions. Lots of shitty stuff happens in the background, like cps, jail, psychiatric hospitals, a divorce, poor again, etc.The important note was I lived through it. Then I turned 14, had researched the Internet everyday, and basically knew I had to ask myself a few questions before I could "transform"(I learned about lgbtq whilst in the hospital). Is it guilt that makes you think this way? Was it your suffering that you assumed a degradation? Is this a phase and should you wait it out? When will you say something? I grew up assuming I was female, I still to this day don't think for a second I'm male, but I realized I could utilize the best of both worlds. In private be female, in public look male. This helped a lot in not being poor, as many job applicants would not give me a second look, and whelp I needed the money. I am no longer dull as I was before, and have since developed like a normal human being in many areas. Still I am rather blank at times for some reason and still space out a lot, but I don't need 5 pills a day and know the things I missed out on. I learned emotions for manga at my library, I learned how to smile at daycare, I learned what it meant to be yourself and not be someone your not from thousands of hours of "treatment", but I still have one more hill to climb. Getting rid of the (In my eyes) useless male tissue I have in my nether, and well dealing with my memories. I know this is long, and not very cohesive, off the wall, jumpy, boring, intimidating, and unnerving, but I need to process some of this for once. I've never had support, and I've heard good things from the people here, so I wanted to just type this up and hope someone knows how to help me, that being said if a troll does happen to stubble by, I am female, not male, not a monster, a human being stuck in a male body; yes, but I'm still female. Thank-you for anyone who read this, and thank-you to anyone who replies. I just wanted to for once put it down in word form. There is more I'd like to talk about, but It's tough already to type through watery eyes.

 

Your so sweet thank-you, ya sometimes I need to vent and I don't have many ways too, or I'm too scared to... But thank-you for reading through it. I really appreciate it.