I can't stop doubting about myself, i don't know what to do. I really want to be a female (i've never feel like a man, never), but i'm so scared. I'm scared always thinking "what if after all i'm wrong about being trans?" but i don't know how i could live as a man, i was always sad, i've never felt like myself, i spent almost all my life trying to convince myself that i was a "man" and suppressing my feelings. I hardly recognize my dysphoria that sometimes i feel so unsure about myself. I mean, i've always being uncomfortable with my penis, chest and body hair, but i didn't know what was "wrong" them but it was always there, I've never felt the desire about "using" my genitalia on during sex or masturbation, i mean i feel some kind of dissociation with them, i know that it's my genitalia but i've never feel it like mine and i'm uncomfortable using them, or feeling them when i'm walking or when i'm sat. I've always hated erection, it's ugly and unpleasant. On my chest i always expected having 'boobs' but when i touch it and feel flatness it's feels weird, it feels wrong, it's just don't know. I HATE my beard, i shave it every two days, i totally hate when it's growing back but not with enough length to shaving it, cause i feel the hair and it makes me feel crazy. I've never feel my voice like if it was mine, i don't know how my voice is, but isn't the one that i have now. I didn't feel that dysphoria about not identifying my voice today, and i don't know how to respond that. I doubt so much about myself, that sometimes i think things like "what if this it's just a fetish", but when i wear secretly women clothes, i feel some kind of butterflies in the stomach and i feel so connected with my innerself (even today i'm wearing a bra). Six months ago when i come to terms with myself being transgender i started to use (not legally nor with family nor friends, just only on internet) my 'female' name "Maria Daniela", now that is the only name that i feel like if was mine, and i never want to be called again by my birth name. But i feel that this isn't enough evidence to show that i'm transgender, i feel that this only a kind of rubbish thing that i made it up to only escape from my "responsibilities". Even when i've feel a numbness when i was a kid, and i've never had the motivation to do anything. Even When i lived trying to be a man i've always feel like if i was faking it, and i always knew that at some point i was only trying to lie to myself. Even when i have feel this since i have 8 years old, even when i tried to be a man I've always been uncomfortable with that and i had always regrets to my "i want to be a girl" feelings. I doubt about myself even when i'm totally sure that i want to come out and start HRT. But i don't know if this is dysphoria or not. I don't know what to do.
That sounds like dysphoria to me....and keep in mind that dysphoria can come and go in waves so if you feel less dysphoric about something one day, it doesn't mean that you aren't actually trans.
The acceptance process can take quite a bit of time and it is natural to have doubts and be afraid of taking the leap of faith needed to begin transitioning. Eventhough I've had a huge amount of time to figure myself out, I'm.still not ready to begin transitioning because it really is frightening. The important thing is to be patient and give yourself the time needed to truly accept yourself. Think back to where you were a year ago, how much you know now and how far you've come. eventhough it might feel that you are standing in place, you are always moving forward, breaking down one barrier after another. From what you wrote, you are fairly clearly trans and deep down you know that, you just need to give yourself the time to let go of your inhibitions and free yourself from the many chains that are the product of a life lived behind a mask. Much love and hugs, (*hug*) Eveline
