So. I think I'm Trans (ftm). I've been circling this drain for a while now, had some counselling (didn't help much) and I feel like I'm going to explode. It's so complex and the only way I can describe how I'm perceiving all of this at the moment is a bit like Catholic shame. I'm feeling a lot of shame. I get called "he", "sir" and looked at in women's bathrooms all the time and I get a hot flush, type pickle in my face. Like I'm embarrassed to be called out. Ive always felt different. Always. And I'm a bit of an outcast, not many friends. So I don't have a great support network. I couldn't possibly transition in my job either, it's a really corporate and harsh environment. Depression is killing me at the moment too. And trust me, I'm doing a million things to combat it. Gym, diet and I'm job hunting in a different area. I guess I don't have a specific question, I'm just spinning out of control a little bit and I can't see the wood for the trees. And I feel old as the hills.
I feel your pain. I'm 30s and also very confused. It sounds like you might be farther along in thinking about this, which gives me hope. I am also spinning out of control at the moment and don't have any real basis for encouragement for you but every time I post something like you've done I question myself and refresh every few minutes and get a bit despondent when there is nothing, so I wanted to reach out and say I know how you feel.
It's really tough isn't it. The feeling of exposing myself to ridicule, staring and general nastiness terrifies me. A really hard part is seeing many younger people having the stones and certainty to land on a decision and transition. I tried counselling and I went round in circles in my head; I get that no one can make a decision but me and no one can reconcile my feelings either...but how could I even consider transitioning. Depression doesn't help and I am trying so hard not to go back on meds for it because of how hard it was coming off them. I recognise that there's nothing about me that I would call feminine or female at all to me. I ignore my chest and my private parts because I don't see them as me. But to go around, asking people to call me 'he' and outwardly identifying as male makes me incredibly anxious and lesser. My mum sort of knows I have gender questions but I don't think she knows to what extent. That's about it though...oh and my ex girlfriend but she's not in my life anymore. Very isolated by it.
I hear you. While I don't know what's going on with me right now, when I think about it, I also don't see how I could possibly transition with my life. Feels like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. When I do think about transitioning, I share your jealously of younger people who seem to have these things figured out. If I had thought about these things when I was younger, any change would be easier. I'm a large, overweight balding man, I don't even see how I could be anything but a guy in a dress which is distressing. So I share your fears as well. I haven't told anyone about my thoughts. Seeing a counselor this week, so we will see how that goes. Sounds like we're in the same place after all. I still don't have any advice but if we're both feeling isolated maybe we can feel isolated together. Good luck.
Maybe because we're older and more set in our ways that our fear runs deeper. Life experience and knowing how harsh the world can be? Younger folk haven't felt that and therefore their expression is untainted. I don't know what's caused this to escalate so much lately, the feeling of confusion and anxiety...I guess I have to ask the question as to whether I can see myself living my life as a woman from here on out. I got "madam' earlier when buying groceries...made me feel so angry that my gender was assumed. Do you get the feeling that you're so sick of mulling it over and over in your head that you just want someone to make the decision for you? To take it out of your head and hands? Gah!
