So I am trying to figure out what is going on inside my head, I hope that typing these thoughts out will help me do that, I don't really have anyone to talk to about them in person. Whenever I can, I have been reading everything I can about how to tell if one is transgender. I found a site called heartcorps with an article called how to tell if you are transgender, and there were several parts that really resonated with me. "All thought years I had just thought I was a defective boy/man with a weird sexual fantasy about becoming a girl." "But for it [fantasizing about the other sex] to be a lifelong fantasy, especially to the exclusion of other sexual fantasies, well that pretty well speaks for itself, especially if the fantasies started before puberty. In such a case you are far more likely to be transgendered or transsexual than anything else." I don't remember the first time that I first started thinking about wanting to be a girl, but I know I was very young. I always thought it was just a weird wish, pushed it out of my mind. I would steal clothes and wear them when I was alone, I don't think I was ever caught. When I was older and things were more sexualized I found stories online about people magically, or surgically, or hypnotically, or whatever changing their gender, I was hooked. Reading the stories, looking at pictures would ebb and flow - but it would never go away for too long. I've never really experimented with dressing, outside of a couple articles of clothing every once in a while. Honestly I've never really had an opportunity - I've never lived alone. I went from my parents house to college, and then moved in with my girlfriend I started dating in high school and who I would go on to marry. I don't know what happened but something feels like it flipped inside of me. I have basically considered these thoughts just an anomaly, just something that was there but harmless. It doesn't feel harmless. It feels like everything is unraveling inside my head. I still don't know where to begin with this jumble. I feel like I can't do nothing, it's going to tear my head off. I'm terrified of what even thinking these thoughts means for my marriage, my wife, my kids, my life. I feel like I've fallen into a crevice, or i'm stuck between two rocks, with no way to move either one. I think that long enough. Thanks for listening the internet.
From "The Internet" That was really heart felt, and I thank-you for sharing. It's hard for us to come close to trusting others, and so we tend to bury our secrets deep within us; where they take root leading to *Sadly* some very unhappy times. Remember mid life transitions are difficult, we typically have already established much of our goals, and have completed a process we find works. I continue. Going on to your childhood it seems you have gone through the prototypical slight experimentation and self doubt. Try to remember what certain sensations felt like, sometimes our past can give us hints into our futures. (Pulls out pen and paper, uhu I'm writing that down) Once you process all the information, try to speak to your wife; or vent at your local lgbtq group if your not comfortable. Do not, and I stress; DO NOT hold all those emotions internally and bottle them up for the next decade hoping they wont come back. They will, and with an even nastier bite. After you have processed all the information, go through the outline of roughly the following suggestive steps. Envision yourself leading a life; as male, then female: Write down how it felt, then review it and contemplate the results, then after that; write down how you felt to feeling about it(Feel-ception?) . Next find your happy place, then pan out and look at yourself; are you male, female, neither; or a mix of both. Do the same write down how it felt, and then write down how feeling about it felt. Next imagine being completely accepted and loved by your family who supports you all the way. Go ahead and repeat the evaluation process. Finally imagine yourself being rejected. Make sure to breath on this one, but follow the same examination process. Next look into speaking about your results to a gender therapist, or to your local lgbtq group; if you feel comfortable, to your wife and or children. // Wait at least one day between these questions not answering them all at once, make sure to be as vivid and true to yourself as possible// I am no expert by any means, and do not replace any medical staff; if at any time you feel suicidal during this process stop and speak to a therapist asap. Lastly I hope your able to come up with a suitable answer as a result of your examination, and experience at least the relief of closure.
