Hey there. I haven't been here for a while. So instead of asking "who am I?" I'm asking myself what I'm gonna do about myself. No word-sticking please. When I say I'm female we all know what I mean, when I say I'm a guy we also know what I mean. Right? Riiight...? With all respect for all people who identify otherwise and how they want to be referred to as. Whatever, I'm just trying to describe what I'm going through. I'm quite sure I identify as a transgender person, from under the umbrella. I've faced enough of the trans obstacles and tasted it, it's just how my stars aligned. I've come to the difficult understanding and acceptance of who I am as a woman and as a man. I am a woman, because I am read as one and hence face a certain set of expectations, and because I have a female reproductive system with all the getting pregnant and egg-producing perks. I am a man, because I am mentally more similar to men, that's something in emotionality and cognition. And I more often than not take on roles men usually take on. That's my understanding. It was difficult for me to claim the identity of *a woman*. It's like bicultural identity problems. To give you some illustration, I look like the smaller guy in the picture below. That's exactly how I stand and a facial expression that I sometimes make, the hair I have and the clothes I wear. Yes, he is androgynous by contemporary Western standards. And so am I. People read me "how they want". I f*** gender roles, and I would do equally so with whatever genitals or hormones. I have tried talking with several people and coming out, but people don't know a thing about gender, and nobody understands my stuggles even remotely. Which is difficult. It's just absurd. My being trans is not how I want to be called, it's a flesh and blood experience, it has meaning. I want others to understand the meaning and importance, but I don't care about words, they are just empty sounds if understanding doesn't back them up. It scares me how people don't understand yet participate in the phenomenon of gender. Their denialism and thinking that humans are special snowflakes of nature scares me, how they miss and perhabs just plain and simple don't want to see The Obvious. I don't want to fight it, I have no strength to fight it, it's not my job or duty to fight special-snowflakism. It's their lives and I just want to live mine. And if someone has strict ideas of how males and females should be like and judges people by their superficial qualities - I don't want to hang out with them anyway, because that's just not reasonable, and it indicates a whole mindset I don't want to be a part of. I am the person who was born transgender, not wants to become. I don't want to transition, I don't want to be male, I don't care, I simply am very atypical as for my sex. I've read somewhere I can't find now that trans people who fear the consequences of transition are prone to identify as third sex, and that it's advisable to transition, because that's plain and simple doing harm to yourself if you don't. And I wonder how much that is the case for me. Because my understanding of myself is as of a third sex and I'm already fed up with explaining myself and fighting this insane world. I wonder how much I'm doing harm to myself, I understand that I already did by distinctly trying to be someone I'm not for several years, in order to find myself a husband and be an attractive and 'proper' female. But as it turns out, what and who I am, bit by bit, is not an issue for many people at all, and it's just about fine with them if I go into the wrong bathroom or buy men's clothing, wear a tie, or don't behave or look like a woman. In fact, that's a pretty good filter for a good environment, for friends, for people. If someone has something against androgynous people, it's better if they don't talk to me at all out of prejudice, I'll spare myself time and irritation. It can sometimes be a bit lonely, but true loneliness - that was before, when I was purposefully pretending someone else. That someone else had company, not me. So in the end I'm having this dilemma about transitioning. Dress like a guy on purpose, don't dress like a guy on purpose? Come out, not come out? Pick that new name or not? An alternative route I was thinking about is being obviously and visibly queer. Coming out as bi, sticking rainbow all over myself? I pretty much identify with the rainbow: diversity. That's me. I'm the unusual person. I was thinking of just going out to the community, there is the LGBT+ in my uni and a friendly acquiantance gave me a push to go there, go out to people, and see I'm not such a freak I think I am. But... I'm simply scared I'm not queer enough and they will throw me out. To be honest, I don't even know if I'm not gender non-conforming straight female, and what the heck am I making fuss about? Maybe it's just my family that has narrow views? If I do dress like a guy on purpose and pick myself a new (male) name, people will go "do you want to be male?". They will. And I don't have the patience to deal with it. What would I have out of it? Life as a gender non-conforming butchy/androgynous female is not too bad either, and might be easier. I was... afraid of all that, I was afraid I won't ever find a partner, I was afraid I will date another female and what my family is gonna say, and worried about discrimination and not being able to have children probably, but, now, I pretty much understand and accept that it's just not gonna work out if I don't become at peace with myself fully. I was thinking of changing my name anyway, but I'll give myself another couple of years, to truly find my real name. It's there, it'll find me, I'm sure. I want my uni diploma with the new name, that's it. Coming out... I don't wanna face more ridicule and misunderstanding, and denialism, and close-mindedness, and special-snowflakism. I'm fed up and done explaining myself. Finding support is really difficult, because people turn out to be just not like you expect them to be, and you need to revise your views on them and on the world. Dressing like a guy seems tempting, I just can't explian it. I have always tried to convey my masculinity in the way I dress, but it was a rather shy statement. I didn't ever show up in a tie. I recently cut my hair shorter, I think I'm getting there. I went shopping today and found myself thinking that guys don't wear such jewelry (I was enchanted by some bracelet made of bright colourful beads). I know I'm a girl, but... nada, that thing is gonna make me look like one and get perceived as one! Resist the temptation, dude... You're gonna regret it. On a positive note, I have noticed a very real change of how people see and treat me since I cut my hair, and I like it. I feel like I should write some ending to this post, some summary. Maybe I am transitioning of sorts? Or maybe not? And how? One huge dilemma. And a bit of bitterness.
I'll give you my very scattered two cents, hopefully it's somehow helpful.. <:') 1) For, "to transition, or not to transition.." You know I'm no expert, but what I would do if I were you (and what I have done) is list all of the things you are uncomfortable with (relating to gender and sex, though I think that goes without saying) and then for each one write what you want to do about it right now. Try not to think about what you may or may not feel in the future. What you feel NOW, and what you can do about it NOW. There's no rush. This is your life, your journey, and whether or not you'll be transitioning at all is a personal choice.. But you can do little things or big things to improve your state of mind no matter what. 2) Another thing, I feel a lot of what you said in that post is centered around "trying to be". That is, to loosely quote, trying to be a proper woman, trying to dress like a man, trying to be obviously queer, etc. In a way, you're not really interacting with your own thoughts and feelings. Instead, you're trying to portray a certain image.. Ultimately for other people. And you're working.. Backwards. When I'm not sure that's a good idea. You grabbed the label "woman", because your sex is female, and tried to live into it in ways that weren't true to who you are. You're considering taking on the sort of archetype of, "queer", and then changing your presentation to accommodate that. I'm not sure how to interpret you saying: "trying to dress like a man".. But for me, that's something I would insult myself with on a bad day. Because I do see myself as a boy, and because everyone thinks I'm a girl (this is agonizing to type because I keep almost saying something grossly transphobic due to internalized transphobia), I often beat myself up, telling myself things like "You're a girl" "Nobody will ever see you as male" "You're faking it" "You're just playing dress up, and at the end of the day you're nothing more than a confused adolescent girl". Granted, that's all because I see myself as a boy. I don't know how you view yourself. I don't know if you know how you view yourself. Maybe saying you are "trying to dress like a man" means to you that you identify as a woman but try to wear men's clothes sometimes. Maybe it means that you don't know who you are and are trying to look like a man to see what fits. Maybe you see yourself as something off the binary and are trying to conform to "dressing like" the opposite sex out of simplicity. Or maybe you're in my place where you (shakily) see yourself as something everyone says you're not. But- However you view yourself, Work from that point. Don't live into a label. Be true to who you are and how you feel. I know its extremely difficult not to bend into a label or lifestyle that doesn't work for you just because it's convenient for other people, but what's more important is trusting how you feel and what you want far above those other obstacles. 3) It really sucks how people misunderstand and misconstrue and disrespect others on the grounds of their gender. There's no denying it. But remember, that's what EC is for! We're here to help and support you wherever you're headed. I especially want to aid you however I can, so don't hesitate to PM me. (*hug*) PS. As a side note, I hope I am not being too presumptuous. I am only thirteen, and am in a state of almost absolute confusion about my gender, so I'm no experienced veteran, and probably not qualified to pseudo-lecture a 20 year old on gender identity. :icon_redf That, and nobody can tell you who you are, or what label to give yourself, or how you're feeling, or what to do! (Especially not me :icon_wink)
I tried responding... and will tomorrow. But for now, screw that all, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna dress like a guy and change my name. I'm just fed up with the whole process for the moment. It just feels like I'm never gonna make it, it feels overwhelming.
If you want to be male girl, female guy, both, or whatever else, that's perfectly alright. You're correct in that most people are far from being able to accept the idea of that, and saying that you ought not to care is a bit unrealistic, I think; but maybe you could at least set it as an ideal that you toward that you should work for your happiness first, rather than sacrificing that for the privilege that comes with "fitting in". You've mentioned before that you used to present feminine and stuff. Maybe you're still slowly but surely expanding your comfort zone, getting more comfortable with a more masculine expression, etc. That's a good thing. Maybe try not to be too hard on yourself that you can't do it all just like that. It takes a while sometimes, and that's okay. Just continue working inwards. Being true to yourself should take priority.
Hugs, Pistachio The thing about trying is that clothes have no gender. They have gender only in the eyes of the person who sees them. In history, you can get as many men in dresses as women in dresses. And, sometimes "just being yourself" doesn't work. If I lived on my own, I could wear dresses and make-up for the rest of my life. If I don't make a statement, nobody is going to see me as me. I'm not overwhelmingly masculine, I've never been a through-and-through tomboy. Maybe I picked a wording tht sounded bad to you but to me dress as is not pretend to be. It's dressing like. So for example at a workplace there is a dress code: men wear long trousers, oxford shoes and long sleeved shirts, and women wear heels, knee-length skirts and blouses. Then to dress as a guy wuold be to wear the trousers, shirt and oxford shoes. It's not pretending, anyone could wear that, it's normal clothing. ---------- Post added 5th Jul 2016 at 12:42 AM ---------- Well, I don't want to be, I don't see myself, I am, I was born this. And I have the bad luck of being a thing most people don't understand. True. And I think that's gradual coming out that drains me too. From perspecive of a week. I'm definitely not used to expressing myself as a guy, and so are people around me.
