I am seventeen and currently identify as genderfluid andI am only out to my father and partner about it. But lately I've been feeling a lot more like a boy than I have in the past (I have always leaned towards the masculine side of the spectrum more) and it's really made me wonder if I am actually a boy and the girl part of me was because i grew up treated as a girl. The idea of being trans really scares me at the moment especially since I would be cut off by my mother and unable to contact my younger siblings. I am so confused right now and really don't know who I am. Any advice would be really appreciated
I don't know what kind of advice I could give about your family accepting you, but I might be able to help you figure out what you could identify as. You could be only partially a boy and not define the rest of your gender. If you feel like that'd fit, you could be a demiboy. Also try to keep your mind open to the possibility of being fully trans, even if the idea scares you, just try to find what fits how you feel the best. I hope this helps at all. Good luck figuring it out!
You're not alone. When I finally came out to myself properly that I was genderfluid, I had several swings the next day and for a day or two after that. Some were rougher than others. In the two weeks since, in which I've come out to my friends, they have become less frequent. Instead, I find myself wondering whether I'm a cis boy who just needed an outlet for his feminine side, or whether I'm a trans girl who is too terrified to admit that their masculine side is fake. I'm still a bit unclear how my emotions connect with my swings, because the latter thought hits me hardest when I'm feeling most female, making it hard to tell whether the swing causes the feeling or angst about the feeling causes the swing. Perhaps you could keep some kind of a record of your swings? I have an excel spreadsheet with columns for the boy/girl percentages, triggers, notes on my feelings, and the time and date. I find it's quite useful for maintaining perspective, as I can go back and check whether my memory is correct. You may find that you are having swings more frequently than you think, just the level is more subtle than before. And from my own experience, my swings don't always manifest in the same way. Sometimes it's a set "girl" feeling, other times it's a core craving to express myself in a feminine way, and still others it's expressed as a degree of frustration with my male body hiding my female identity.
