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Panic: I think I'm a dude

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by fatalredknives, Jul 1, 2016.

  1. fatalredknives

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    I'm laying in my bed right now and after questioning my gender identity for some months I just acknowledged the fact that I'm most probably a guy. It is by far what feels most right to me. I've already been struggling a lot with suicidal thought, so I simply do not know how I could survive this. I don't want it. I've had so much problems and I just cannot have this too. It would be so much easier to just kill myself. Anyway, I don't know what to do and I am completely freaking out right now.
     
  2. Invidia

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    If things get really bad, please call for help.

    If it so happens that you're transgender, that's just a part of you, and you can work it out in due time. I know such seemingly reasonable statements can seem like bullshit when you feel like you do right now, but judging from your post, you seem to have seen some unpleasant shit in your days, am I right? Well, this might be another thing you're going to have to tackle in due time. But right now your overflow of emotions take priority. Maybe talk to someone you know, tell them you're not feeling well, or, as I said, call a helpline.
     
  3. Reggie

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    I'm a parent.

    I'm a parent of a trans male son that just came out to me about a month or so ago.

    I'm still trying to understanding this, but I do know I love and care about him very much, regardless of what's between his legs and what he wants between his legs. That does not affect my love one bit. I would be extremely devastated if he were to hurt himself over this.

    This is who he is. Fantastic.

    Everybody has something they're dealing with. Everybody. Nobody is perfect. Nobody is normal. I went through several years in my early 20s wanting to kill myself. I can't possibly understand what you're going through. Nobody can.

    Unless you are a serial killer :slight_smile:, the world is a better place because of you.
     
  4. Matto_Corvo

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    First take a deep breath, calm your mind and thoughts.

    Now, if you need someone to talk to my wall is always open.
    If you want a direction to head you can always try finding gender therapist, or just a therapist in general. This can help you work out your thoughts as well as help you with your sucidial thoughts.
     
  5. Eveline

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    Looking back, the thought that I would forget about being trans terrifies me and this comes from someone who has been through hell since I learned that I was trans and hasn' t had things go her way and was suicidal. There is a huge amount of pain in the knowledge that you are trans but also there is life and hope and a sense of peace in knowing who you are. I know I searched for years for the answer of what was wrong; of why I was struggling so much and why life felt so empty and dark.

    You've found an answer and through that answer you will be able to build a life for yourself, create an identity and become the person that you are supposed to be. You are not alone in your struggles, you have here a community here who will listen to you and be there for you when you are lying in the darkness and can barely hold on. Just focus on surviving, be patient and let time sooth away the pains and every day, think of how far you've come and appreciate the journey that you've been through to get here.

    This is your life and your journey, every step along the way is one that you have chosen for yourself. This understanding has helped me cope when things didn't go as planned and I faced obsticles along the way that took me as low as I have ever been. I survived because I wanted to, because I believe that I deserve to live, to find happiness and to truly feel alive. You also deserve to live and your life will shine through the darkness and you will find yourself. You will some day look back and realize how wonderful it was that you kept on fighting and found a way to survive against all odds.

    Much hugs,

    (*hug*)

    Eveline
     
    #5 Eveline, Jul 1, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2016
  6. fatalredknives

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    Thank you for this, means a lot. Hope my parents can have the same reaction to me being trans as you did. Also, I can asure you I'm not a serial killer :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 2nd Jul 2016 at 08:52 AM ----------

    Thank you all for taking the time to reply. It's quite hard for me to be hopeful right now, I think that's gonna take a lot more time. I hope one day I'll have the courage to be myself, but for now that's just not gonna happen. I did talk to my parents about my suicidal thoughts and I'm going to see a doctor on monday, sth I guess..
     
    #6 fatalredknives, Jul 1, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2016
  7. Delta

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    That's really rude, Kiran. People come here often when they're already at a low point in their lives, they don't need you to mock their very real pain simply because you aren't compassionate enough to understand.

    Don't listen to him, Knives. Everyone is different. And just because it was apparently such an easy la-di-da experience for him, that doesn't mean shit about how it'll be for you. It was painful for me to realize. I cried a lot, because I was scared.

    My whole life, I heard message after message about how hard it was to be trans. How it was filled with rejection and pain and how no one would ever want to sleep with a trans person if they knew, and in general everything I heard was either a tragedy or a horror story. No one would ever choose to be trans in my mind because of how awful it was. So, of course, after decades of that message, I was scared. I didn't want that story to be my story. There's no shame in being scared, but... It hasn't been as bad as it was represented, for me. And there's a good chance, at least, that it also won't be so bad for you. And an even better chance that it'll get better over time.
     
    #7 Delta, Jul 1, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2016
  8. Matto_Corvo

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    Kiran, everyone deals with being trans different. Everyone has different things going on in their life.

    So you handle being trans wonderfully? Yay, good for you. Go suck on a lollipop for it.

    The fact is there are a great many people who come through this forum who are struggling with the fact that they are transgender. They are scared, many are already depressed and anxious, and they are just looking for support. They are looking for someone to tell them how to cope for this.

    What they are not looking for is a brat saying they are looking for attention. They don't need to be called emo and fake. Ever heard the saying "If you can't say nothing nice don't say anything nice at all?" Practice that.
     
  9. fatalredknives

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    Kiran,
    Just to clear this up, I don't want anyone's pity. I couldn't care less about that. I know I'm not the only one who struggles with things and I sure know that there's many people who suffer more than I do, but I don't see how that makes my feelings any less valid. I thought this would be a safe place with people who'd understand what I'm going through and who could maybe give me some advice, so I opened up. I'm sorry if that somehow pissed you off. We all handle our problems in our own way, and talking to people online is my way. So please, stop being rude because it's literally helping no one.
     
    #9 fatalredknives, Jul 2, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2016
  10. Invidia

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    I'm glad you handled the rude post so well, OP, it speaks well of your character. (*hug*) Please ignore him. Every chicken farm has at least one rotten egg. Please continue to write if you feel like venting or want guidance. Nobody will think you're emo.

    I hope you're feeling a little better than when you first posted. If not, I wonder whether you have calmed down a little?
     
  11. fatalredknives

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    Thank you :slight_smile: You've all been so very helpful. I've calmed down a bit, but it's just a lot to take in, you know? Can't really wrap my head around it yet. By the way, you can call me Alex for now.. Have always loved that name.
     
  12. Matto_Corvo

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    Same. I always loved that name, hence making it apart of my name xD
     
  13. Invidia

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    No problem, Alex. :slight_smile: Yes, it's a lot to take in. Like rye bread, it takes a good while to digest.
    I'm glad to hear you've calmed down. Be sure to take care of yourself.
     
    #13 Invidia, Jul 2, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2016