I've posted a couple of times and really what I'm looking for is a ftm to dialogue with. I'm pretty certain I'm trans. But I have this overwhelming fear gripping my heart. The thought of vocalising this to anyone makes me feel vulnerable and weak, as if by talking about it makes it absolutely certainty and there's no taking it back. But the thing is, I truly dislike having the female parts and having a higher pitched voice. I hate wearing a bra and other than to work, I generally don't. I shave my legs and underarms because society expects me to. I fantasise about facial hair (the luscious kind not the pubescent fluff). And when I'm with a woman, I imagine myself a man if you get what I mean. All of this I know to be true and I understand it is who I am. The trans label is something I've only discovered the last couple of years. I have very few close friends and a small family unit. While I know none would reject me, I still have very little to support me in the day to day. My job is...corporate and I'm visible in a building of many. I do not think I could stand the staring and the cruelty, or even the disgusted looks behind false smiles and professional courtesy. I've mentioned before that I've spoken with a counsellor; she was next to useless for this issue. Please, any ftm around my age range, talk to me.
You're welcome to talk to me any time. Though, because of your age range question (if age is important to you), do you mind if I ask how old are you? I'm 22. I'm currently looking for work and right now I'm using my birth name and female pronouns because, for now, I have to. I hate it. And I hate the idea of coming out to future coworkers, I don't know if I'll be able to handle it, since I could barely stomach telling my family about my gender and now I don't know how - or if I even have the heart - to get them to use the right pronouns when it's been six months. Thankfully, they no longer tell me I should shave my legs and underarms.
Hi, thanks for responding. I'm 27 and I mainly put that because I've noticed a lot of younger folk on here and I'm at a different life stage. I see all these people on social media and YouTube that have transitioned and it's so hard to translate it to my life. What would my neighbours be like? My co-workers that I've known for many years? It's so hard to navigate. But the fact that I practically bind from time to time and choose outfits specifically to accentuate my muscular form rather than my hips or chest. I don't even think my bottom half bothers me as much as my chest. They aren't large but they're there all the same. Anyway, I'm rambling. Do you think your family would be okay with it? I think my mum knows already.
Kal, I know I'm not exactly what you're looking for, but as you know I am also searching. I have the age that you're looking for but I'm trying to go the other direction. I met with a counselor who I really connected with and for me was immensely helpful. I'm sorry that hasn't been your experience. Perhaps there is another one you can find to talk to that will be more helpful? After talking with the counselor I cried for about 15 minutes in my car alone. I had the same feeling of fear and vulnerability that you describe. And sadness that my life isn't the way I thought it was going to be. I realized that most of my life I have been living just like you describe, skirting around the issue, never vocalizing it to anyone but especially myself. If I said it out loud, it would be true and there would be no coming back. To a certain extent, I think I was right, about no coming back. For me at least, I don't think there's a way to put the genie back in the bottle so to speak. But the other side to that is after I talked about it and after I cried, it honestly felt like a weight had been lifted. It wasn't the overwhelming relief that some people describe, it was more like the weight was lifted slighting. I'm still under it, but it doesn't feel as heavy anymore. I was able to tell myself that I am a trans woman. I said those words to someone. And now it feels like there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. It still seems like a fucking long tunnel, but now it no longer looks like a dead end. Again, I'm sorry I don't have your exact circumstances, but I'm here if you want to talk. I think it could help both of us.
I skirted around my gender for so long that by time I admitted to myself that I was trans it was more relief than it was fear. Fear comes in when I try to talk to others about it, or when I think about transitioning and how that will be taken by classmates and such. My fear is born not from how I feel about my gender but from how I expect others to react to it. My family won't reject me, but there is still little support. I need to be more forceful about pronouns but don't have the backbone to stand up for myself. I should bind more, I would like too, but I am terrified of the reactions I would get. So I wear my bar only when in public but at home I take it off right away.
My family say they're supportive, and in the back of my mind I know they really are, especially my parents who said they had already figured it out. It'll probably take them more time to get use the right pronouns and I know I don't handle patience very well, but it's been six months and only my dad and my cousin really, consistently try, so I can't help but lose hope. They're more the kind of people who need to see it to believe it. I don't so much care for the thoughts of neighbors, but that's probably because I haven't had anything to do with my neighbors since we moved into a different neighborhood when I was nine. Coworkers freak me out, though, but I don't dress or act femininely and people have asked me if I'm a boy or a girl a few times, so I'm hoping I just have to tell my boss and they can tell everyone else or people can ask. Is that cowardly or wrong of me? I don't think I really care if the answer is a yes or a no, but I still ask myself a lot.
Hey, I'm an FTM too and I totally feel you. Especially your beard envy. I finally had the courage not to shave my legs even if I wear pants. Nobody asked me about it, nobody stared. You imagine it harder than it is. You could try a sports bra. I hated my voice for a long time too. I used unhealty ways to lower it that's why I recommend vocal or theater training.
Thank you for being so candid. Maybe I should find someone else to talk to, to see what comes out. This woman I saw seemed interested only in my money and to talk about stresses of my life (work mostly) and my childhood. I think I've lived this person for so long, this appearance and way of being that its inherent rather than a 'dawning'. The short hair for so many years, the masculine clothing and muscles. And I come across so confident outwardly, which I suppose I am. But my vulnerability is my constant thinking, my over thinking. Strength in numbers, I absolutely think talking to you helps. If only we could switch huh. ---------- Post added 3rd Jul 2016 at 12:53 PM ---------- That's great about your family. Change is hard but they're trying. No I don't think you're cowardly, having to tell people over and over must bring it bubbling to the surface when all you want to do is live your life. ---------- Post added 3rd Jul 2016 at 12:56 PM ---------- I reckon you're right, the imagining it to be harder than it is. It's a huge change and I know that if I decided to transition it would be step by step, there's still the coming out part. Coming out as lesbian was easy enough, I did it when I was in my mid teens and everyone has always known me as this. So no issues. But to tell people I'm a man? Trapped in a woman's body? I don't know if my world is ready for that. But my heart feels so heavy.
I would switch in a heartbeat. It's been basically my only fantasy since as long as I can remember. In many ways you sound like you're not even stating at the beginning but have been progressing down this road for a while. I haven't even begun expressing anything feminine. I have maintained active ignorance about all things femenine (the clothes! The hair! The makeup!) because that meant I was masculine. It probably doesn't seem like it but I'm jealous of your expressions thus far. We will all get there in time. Let's keep talking.
Yeah, coming out is hard. Better pick some friends you can really trust first. If that went well, go to your parents, if you want to come out to them. But you're old enough to transition without your parents permission. You may also move and have a new start as a man.
Just one thing I'd like to address here. You said you're 27 and you've been seeing mostly younger transguys on YouTube and you find it harder to relate? I know this guy who's older. Older than you actually. 32 now. I quite like his channel https://m.youtube.com/user/TheSLOfox
