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Could I be trans?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by gloomyra, Jul 5, 2016.

  1. gloomyra

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    I first started thinking I might be trans after being rejected romantically by my gay male best friend (I am a woman). My first thought wasn't "I wish he was straight" but "I wish I was a man". I had a feeling he was gay, but I always imagined myself as a man when we were together. People would always remark how I was like the man in our relationship, and secretly this made me very happy. All of this was almost a year ago, and at first I thought maybe it was just the rejection making me confused. But the feeling has only gotten stronger since then. When I'm dating a straight man I sometimes feel like I'm being deceitful, because I often think of myself as a man with him but I just let him continue to think of me as a woman out of fear of rejection.

    Physically, I'm mostly ok with my body. Although occasionally I fantasize about being a man and having sex with another man or a woman. I used to hate my genitals when I was young, but they don't bother me at all now and I feel more comfortable with my body than when I was growing up. The only things that really bother me are my high-pitched, feminine voice, and my height (I'm actually tall for a woman, but it annoys me that most men are taller than me). Whenever someone makes a specific remark about my sex, I always feel kind of sad inside. Like the other day when my brother said "I don't have a brother, just a sister".

    How do I know if this is just temporary? I feel like I've been this way my whole life to a certain extent, but I've only really started to notice it since I've started dating. These feelings are the strongest then, because I feel frustrated that I can't be the "masculine" one in my relationships with men. I don't see myself ever wanting to transition, but at the same time I wish there was a way I could physically be a woman and have people see me as and treat me like a man. Lately it has been getting me kind of down...
     
  2. Mihael

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    I feel the same in many ways. I used not to be okey with my body, but now I am and
    Exactly, I am trying to do that.

    In relationships, I want to be the masculine person: either when both people are masculine or just one. I often think of myself as of a guy who didn't go through puberty or does more slowly, and sometimes it makes me sad that it makes people stereotype me like/as a woman. I feel upset about situations built on completely wrong assumptions about me that are based on my sex. I also used to date a guy with whom I felt... like we were a gay boy couple.
     
  3. Invidia

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    Hmm... it could - could - be that you're confused, but I certainly think it's possible you might be genderqueer or trans male or so.

    How is it with dysphoria? You say you're okay with your body. Are you okay with calling yourself a girl or a women, with being perceived as such?
     
    #3 Invidia, Jul 5, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2016
  4. gloomyra

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    Sometimes I'm ok with it, but other times it bothers me. Being referred to as "she" or "her" doesn't really bother me, but in my head I think of myself as "him" and I've let it slip before by making statements like "other men" instead of "other women". I'm ok with my body, but at the same time I feel detached from it, like it's not really mine. I like to dress up in skirts and dresses sometimes, but I feel like I'm dressing a doll. Most of the time I prefer more masculine clothing, and I have to watch myself because I sometimes forget I'm a girl and will sit, stand, or walk like a man. For example, when I'm wearing a dress I constantly forget to have my legs crossed. My mom teases me because she says I walk just like my dad.

    ---------- Post added 5th Jul 2016 at 11:20 AM ----------

    This is how I feel too, but more like a man my own age. My friends have said that they think I act too masculine in my relationships. I've had friends and family tell me I need to be more girly when I'm dating and not pursue the men I'm interested in, but it feels more natural to me to do so. I tried to talk to my counsellor about it once and she said she thought it was a control issue. I said "but if a man pursues a woman it's ok, and he doesn't have control issues?" to which she replied "I guess it's possible for a relationship to work like that". It makes me sad because I feel like I'm expected to be coy and sit back and let men approach me, but I like to be the pursuer.
     
  5. vertical

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    I can't really say whether or not you're trans, but I would like to point out that feeling detached from your body can be a symptom of dysphoria (most people think of dysphoria as outright discomfort but it can be more subtle than that). Not sure if that's what you're feeling or not though.
     
  6. Pookie2009

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    Yours is only the third post I've read since coming to this site, and I can't believe how much your thoughts mirror my own. I don't experience an enormous sense of dysphoria either, yet sometimes I too fantasize about being a man and having sex with another man. I've never been a very feminine woman, but it's only been very recently that I've wondered if I'm transgendered as well. I haven't dated anyone in a long time and I worry that I'm unable to really connect with someone because maybe I'm not physically the correct gender. Like you, I don't really see myself transitioning, but there is a part of me that feels like a man, and hates being treated like a woman in a way that goes beyond simply feeling like I'm being treated as "less than" because of my gender. I have been feeling lately like I'm in an impossible situation, and I totally get what you mean about feeling like you're being deceitful in your relationships with men. I don't have any answers at all, but I sure do appreciate your questions.
     
  7. gloomyra

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    Thanks for the reply! It feels good to know I'm not alone, though I'm sorry you are experiencing confusion as well. Like you said, I don't feel like I'm being treated poorly because I'm a woman, only that I feel like it's the incorrect gender role for me. If there was a way for me to go back and time and be born a boy, I'd do it. I just can't imagine having to get surgery and taking hormones, let alone coming out to my family and friends. It's just too scary, and I feel like I don't need surgery, because I'm ok with my body for the most part. It's just other people's treatment of me that bothers me. I've considered dressing as a male, but fear holds me back. I don't feel like I could decently pass as a man, and it's just "easier" to keep dressing as a woman. Although I've been considering cross dressing as a possible outlet for my feelings. It's funny because there are times when I feel like a woman, but... For example, when I dress girly and wear makeup I do enjoy it, but I feel like a man dressing up as a woman, almost like I'm cross dressing.

    ---------- Post added 5th Jul 2016 at 11:30 PM ----------


    I was also sexually abused a s a child though, which makes me wonder if my dysphoria might be because of that. Although during puberty I had a really rough time. I hated my breasts and actually would do things like to try cover them or push them back in in an effort to make them go away or stunt their growth. I hit puberty early and felt ashamed and disgusted by my body. I had to start wearing a bra at 12, and I felt jealous of boys because they didn't have to wear one. I was also frustrated because I'd mostly been friends with boys up until that point, but things started to change when we all hit puberty.
     
  8. EscapeInGaming

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    I really wish there was an easy answer here. I recognize your confusion too. These are things I was thinking for years. Never entirely sure about it. It took me until I was almost 27 to figure it out. I can tell you though what it felt like when I figured it out and fully considered it. It was like a weight lifting off that was there so long you didn't realize it was there until it was gone. Best I've ever felt. Which helped hugely to confirm it was the correct conclusion. Every step I take in that direction now "feels" like it is taking away things that are... wrong. And it is relieving. That's the sense I got.

    For me, body issues were a huge part of that but it's not necessarily going to be a high priority issue for all transgenders. From everyone I've talked to it's rather common, however. For years I was telling myself that my body issues were just the weight when that was just the tip of the iceberg. Obvious in hindsight I hated nearly all of it.

    I can't tell you what the right answer is for you, or anyone. But I think you'll know it once you've found it and had time to process it all. Best tip I can give you there is to look back to various things you've done, that you might not have necessarily told anyone else about (though you may have anyway) and think about the explanations you gave yourself for that and see if they still make sense. That's what I did, and few of my previous explanations to myself made any sense at all. At best, some had an element of truth, but were incomplete explanations. I wish I could promise you results. I can wish you luck though.
     
  9. vertical

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    Well that is something to consider then. I'm not an expert of course, so I can't really say, but it seems possible that abuse could cause dysphoria-like feelings. If it's possible for you to see a therapist that might be something to explore more there.
     
  10. EscapeInGaming

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    Absolutely you should find a therapist for this. They can help sort through what you are feeling a lot better. It can be tricky to find the right one, particularly if you are in a conservative area. You could try looking for an LGBT support group or site from your area, they might have listings there for therapists who would be supportive. Often a therapist, like the one I found, that deals with sexuality and gender identity also handles sexual assault cases so if you find one like that, it'd be a huge help. There are websites out there you can search for that has some listings of known therapists that you can filter by what you need but the ones I tried are not all inclusive. They'll usually not have full listings for red states because LGBT-friendly, or even those supportive of sexual assault victims, tend to keep that on the down low. But most college counsellors will know the correct place to send people. Are you in college? Try the counsellors in one if you are, they'll likely know the right therapist to send you to. If not you might still be able to ask around college age LGBTs to see who they go to.
     
  11. gloomyra

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    I had been seeing a counsellor for awhile and I talked to her about a lot of things (being bisexual, being abused as a child), but I was always too scared to bring up the trans thing. I've only ever brought it up with one person in real life (my mom), but I'm not sure she actually believed me. Although, she mentioned she always thought I was boyish. I have one friend who I think might suspect it, but I'm too scared to bring it up with him yet. I feel like I want to be really sure first, but at the same time I wish I had someone to talk to about it. I live in a fairly conservative area though and most of my family are conservative, so I'm scared to bring it up.

    ---------- Post added 6th Jul 2016 at 10:52 PM ----------

    Thanks for the reply. I feel like I'd prefer a mans body if there were a way to magically have one over night, but I can't imagine going through actual surgery. It's not my body that bothers me so much, as that I identify more with men and I feel like when other people see my body they aren't seeing the "real" me. But when I'm by myself I hardly ever think about my body. Things I've considered though are dressing like a man (at least part time), voice lessons to make my voice a little deeper, and taking small amounts of hormones like testosterone. I already have health problems so I don't think I'd want to risk taking full amounts of hormones, but I've heard taking smaller amounts can help with mood problems for some people. I suppose I might consider something more drastic one day, but for now I feel like this might be a good starting point.
     
  12. Mihael

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    I feel really, really similar. My body is okey, but I identify more with men and how others see me falsely because of the way I present - that is hard to bear in the long run. What I do about it is mainly dressing like a man. I don't know what about other things. I'm thinking of changing my name to something more unisex/masculine-leaning, but I haven't found the right one yet. I work out a bit (I love working out anyway), I did some voice training. I don't particualrily bother with breasts, mine are about medium, I cover them up with clothing. I don't like the idea of binding (on an everyday basis), because I honestly like my breasts and don't want to damage them. Hormones and surgeries are not for me. I don't see the point in my own case. It doesn't pay off. I don't exclude it as a future option, but if things were to be like they are now, it would just be an unneccessary problem.

    EC is a good place to talk about being trans I think, if you don't feel confident enough to talk about it IRL. I did talk about it with several people already, and many people just don't get it...

    Do I pass? 30%? Maybe. I had a lot of worries about that too. That I'm gonna look just bad if I dress like a man, because I'm hourglass-shaped. Yep, I also feel like cross-dressing when I wear dresses and such. Even though I know others don't see it this way at all.

    As for abuse - well, if you talk about it with a psychologist, it should clear up whether it has an impact on how you identify or not. There is a lot of things that could infulence a self-image, like stupid sexism/stereotyping in the family/closest environment, or like even being homosexal. It's important to work it through and see. Been there, done that.

    ---------- Post added 6th Jul 2016 at 11:54 PM ----------

     
  13. gloomyra

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