Disappointment, doubt, and dysphoria. (A pretty gloomy update)

So these past few days have not been so good.

I explained everything to dad on the 3rd (or I think it was the third at least?). So now both my parents know. I told both of them in such a passive, winding way.. I'm mad at myself for it, honestly. I wish I was more assertive, but after telling dad and only saying the word "trans" once (And only referencing the concept at that).. I already feel so completely drained, like I'll never be understood and I've said too many things that were dumb and didn't make any sense. I guess I did it because they'll probably see it as a phase no matter what (And I know it could be. My feelings may change in the future.. I suppose. And this could all just be a product of the changes puberty puts a person through..) and even if they didn't I don't know if I'm ready to have "tran" plastered all over my forehead.

This is basically what I said. I wrote him a letter.. And I changed some things when I was putting it on paper..

"I knew I wasn't particularly "girly as a little kid, but I didn't really think about it because I wasn't uncomfortable with being a girl. When I was younger, like you know, I always dressed pretty much like a boy. I wished I could be friends with boys, but since I wasn't really interested in sports I never hung out with them much in school. I didn't feel much of a connection with my more feminine classmates. I've always felt like sort of an outsider around the general "girls group", like I'm different than them. I found a sort of grey area with my friend group, because they weren't super girly and liked the same things I liked.
Back in January all I could figure was that I was "confused" about my gender, but I was able to ignore it for the most part. Around three months ago, I started to really dislike being thought of and treated as female. It would make me feel unhappy and out of place when people called me miss or young lady or anything I thought of as being feminine. I started to despise qualities about myself that made people assume I was a girl. I still shied away from thinking about it for a long time, because it spooked me, and I just wanted it to go away. It hasn't gone away yet.
I decided to experiment a bit by cutting my hair, partially because my then haircut was something I considered one of the things that most caused people to see me as a girl. When I saw myself with short hair for the first time, I thought- "I look like a boy".. And it gave me a kind of rush. Like, this is how things are supposed to be. I wore that old camp sweater for like half a week after because it almost made me seem flat chested, and that gave me that same feeling. Lately I've started fully thinking of myself as a boy.. And I feel more connected to that than I ever did when I thought of myself as a girl. It feels more normal and natural, like its a part of me and not just an add on that I can't take off.
It's all been a very difficult simultaneously and confusing experience for me, and I've talked to Laura about it a lot. I also told mom on a whim a while ago, so you might get the less scattered and poorly explained version of this. I'm sick of it being a secret. It could be an adolescent phase, that's true, but it finally feels real and I want to act like it's real.
Love you. I know it might be a lot to process."

At first he responded in that breathy, irritated voice just like mom did. "Yeah, it's a lot to process". What it sounded like to me was- "You're already such a screw up, now this??". I know neither of them would think or say that, but I think it to myself all the time.
And they don't.. Get it. They can't get it because they've always known in their heads just exactly what gender they were. No doubt. Innately.
I guess because of that and the lack of education around trans issues I can't blame him for his.. Vaguely offensive and very ignorant remarks?
Such as when I said something about how not everybody who is biologically a certain sex identifies as the gender associated with that sex and he said-
"Well, Bruce Jenner, or.. Caitlyn or whatever.. HE's an example"
Now look, I'm not a huge Caitlyn fan in general, just some thing's she's said really irk me, but that doesn't mean I'm okay with people disrespecting her identity as a woman.. And after that he kept calling her "he" and "Bruce", (even after I corrected him).. Citing this //clearly flawlessly factual// *cough* next quote:
"I don't think you can just ignore a person's birth sex like its not a huge part of their gender" (or something to that affect. No s***, Sherlock, like I didn't realize that people thought that??). At one point when he was asking what made me so uncomfortable about my biology, I flat out said-
"Would it make /you/ uncomfortable if you had boobs??"
And he said, yes, because he's biologically a man, but I'm biologically a woman.. Oh great. Why did that hurt so much? It shouldn't have stung like that. I know it's true..

Worst of all I was hoping in the back of my mind that dad would be more understanding than mom, that he could be like a spokesperson for me.. *Ahem*. I don't think that's going to happen.
So I'll be basically without a mentor (Or a knowledgable ally as a parent) through any of this.
Whatever it is.
Whoopee.
Having friends who understand isn't the same as having the people who created you accept all of your feelings and hopes and dreams and identities and see you as just who you are.

Don't get me wrong. Im pleased as punched my legal guardians haven't //thrown me out// (I mean.. It would be pretty terrible of them to kick out a 13 year old not-even-highschooler on most any grounds), but what I would prefer is if at least one would have said- "Hey, if you need to cry it out, do it, and then let's go get tea. And buy you some boxer shorts and order you a binder, if you want. Alright? " Instead of cherry picking the crap out of my feelings, riding on the hope that I'm just uncomfortable because I feel pressured by society to do certain things because I'm a "girl", when really.. I don't feel like a "girl" at all.
In a way I felt like this was my last chance to find someone who could defend me, and understand me, and validate my identity. And now that all those hopes are basically sucked down the drain, everything seems even more impossible.. It's not like I know any adult, openly trans people irl..

I've been in kind of a slump since Sunday. I'm frustrated with my body, what it is, what I am, how everyone thinks of me.. I've been on the verge of crying multiple times, and have had an unfortunate number of the kinds of thoughts I was getting back in December. Like.. Thoughts about harming myself.. Is it pathetic that I'm still too skittish to call what I'm feeling gender dysphoria?

Just wanted to get my feelings out there and share my experience..
I would love some encouragement or ideas for next steps to take. I just have no idea how to go about even attempting to transition or feel more comfortable after my parent's confused (and unintentionally hurtful) reactions to me pseudo coming out.

 

I'm fairly sure they'll come around eventually if it lasts. Yeah, I want to talk to them about getting a binder soon, but I think it might freak my mom out a bit. I'm forcing myself to wait, to give them more time to adjust..
(Thank you (*hug*))