tw: self harm/suicide mention I recently came out to both my sisters - it went well with both of them, although i can tell one is more apprehensive than the other. i think she's just worried about me mostly and she knows nothing about trans issues. I've also been planning on going to this housing event to find new flatmates with my new name Tom (but i've never used it irl before so that's making me very anxious). as i'm starting a new college in september. I feel really overwhelmed. a couple of days ago i was suicidal and self harming. I ended up in a and e but didn't tell my sisters (they are my primary family) as i didn't want to worry them. (I have anxiety and depression) I'm having this feeling that i might not be trans and it's really scaring me. I generally experience a lot of self-doubt (about everything) including being trans but i've put this down to being highly insecure in nature due to a difficult upbringing. I don't know if these feelings are just because of my mental health being bad and being overwhelmed. or out of a fear of the way my sisters are going to see me. but i don't know whats going on in my head. before i went to a and e the other day I put a dress on and makeup to see how I felt (i'm ftm) and i felt really messed up and wrong about it and had to take it off straight away and that's when i self-harmed really bad. I felt that kinda confirmed to me being trans. so maybe i'm just overwhelmed with so many things i'm wishing so hard not to be trans because it's too much for me to deal with right now. sorry this is just a ramble. also now i've got a doctors appointment to fill out the form for my gender referral so i need to bury these feelings for the moment as i think they're temporary. i still feel like my body and face are wrong. but i guess i'm finding the transition to thinking of myself as male in my head hard - is this normal? and this great fear (although irrational) that I will lose my sisters because of this. also i'm sick of feeling gender dysphoria. I don't know if I can deal with it on top of all the other mental health crap i've dealt with for years. and i'm so far from medical transition. wishing i hadn't come out now but hopefully it'll be for the best. if you've got this far thanks for reading. <3
I can relate to some of that. It's really difficult to reconcile who you feel against how people see you. What really gets to me is when I get lumped into the 'ladies' bracket at work, in email and in person. You're quite a step along though, in terms of 'coming out' to your sisters, so please take that as a success. And don't forget, we've lived our lives as being referred to, called and pigeon holed as female for our entire lives - reverting to something different is a complete step change and therefore something to get used to. I know when I'm feeling particularly dysphoric; I shave my head. Hang in there and keep on the path to discover who you really are. That's what I'm trying to do. And anxiety and depression doesn't distinguish you from everyone else, as we all have problems and unhappiness that don't necessarily have a formal diagnosis. I'm considering going back on the meds as my anger has raised to a point where I struggle to control it and I don't see the good in people. Here if you ever want to talk as I'm sort of in the same boat...and we're fairly close by!
One of the more challenging aspects of transitioning is the long waits and trying to not fall into cycles of doubts after falling back into the numbness that many of us use to protect ourselves from gender dysphoria. What makes things even harder is that when we try to connect again to our body, when we take actions towards transitioning, the dysphoria comes back because we took away the barrier protecting us and we feel even worse. Things will get much better once you begin HRT but until then patience and survival should be your main focus. Have you got somewhere were you can simply be yourself there? Maybe a trans support group or a therapist who is truly understanding? Having absafe place in which you can express yourself freely caj be a huge help as gender expression is a tool that we can use to reduce the severity of gender dysphoria and feel more comnected. It is natural to struggle with doubts and it can take years for them to go away. As Kal said, for all of your life you have been treated and perceived as a woman by others. It isn't easy to take off the mask that you were forced to wear as it has been reinforced in every interaction you've ever had with every other person. It doesn't help that you are still forced to wear it when interacting with others and it can take a long time to unravel the knotts that tie together the mask and feeling free enoughto truly and wholly accept yourself as who you really are inside. Much hugs, (*hug*) Eveline
