Not sure what I am.

I was wondering lately if I'm trans male or non-binary. I have no clue, a bit, because I am a quite nonconforming person in general, and I don't subscribe to social roles or codes unless I do so on purpose.

I'm not the most masculine guy ever, for sure. I came out to the counsellor I go to, and... Let me tell you, I was thinking I'm making it up and going crazy. But it turns out that there really is a psyche of a man in my female body. The question now is: is there a woman in there? What does "a woman" mean then? I identify as a woman in some way, but I don't feel like I am a she unless I am taking on the feminine role.

I do get dysphoria, sometimes I feel trapped in my body and just close myself in the walls of my own room and wait until it goes away, distract myself with some anime, music and writing stories. I sometimes crossdress to the full, to the point that I pass as male. I don't know why, but I also want to have sex as male. Which is something like... super taboo. I don't want any hormones or surgeries, I don't think they would make my life neccesarily easier in any way, but if I could just snap my fingers and look how I want, I would be an androgynous male. Narrower hips, a bit taller, stronger, male... I wouldn't regret if my vagina or boobs were gone forever in favour of male anatomy. I often wish I could point at some hard, unquestionable evidence that I am who I am, get people treat me the way I want, see me as me, not someone else. I wish there was something about me that would make people see me correctly, it would make my life easier. But I wouldn't like the body hair, and I wouldn't want to be super muscular, rather the slender guy. I like fashion, I like to dress nice. Or I would make people see me as a guy in the whole psychological and social sense, and accept that I have ovaries, if I could. The body is just like whatever, the social thing is a dread.

I see myself as third sex, genderqueer, trans, androgyne, gender non-conforming, gender variant. In the rational manner. I conceptualise myself this way. I always strongly idnetified with boys in stories, cartoons, films, books etc. - and with men IRL. I'm not the most stereotypically masculine person in the world, nevertheless, I'm on the sensitive and dandy end of things. But in a way, I think I can claim being a woman by just being seen as one, and by being a female physically, no matter who thinks what. For such obvious reasons, I think of myself this way. Is that being a woman or social expectations? I really began thinking about gender differently. I don't know if it's not a matter of conceptualising yourself as one or the other, but it's the same word for the same thing essentially. Does anyone follow so far? I can do roles, I can fulfil one or the other, I can switch. Duh, it's complicated.

 

To sum up, I don't feel attatched to either role per say, there are good and bad things about both. I feel like I prefer tinkering to talking to people as a proffession, though. And I think the same about being eiher sex. I just am mentally more similar to men and want to be seen correctly.

As for being called a woman... well, that's what I am. I'm angry when someone draws far-fetched conclusions about me because of this, about the way I think or feel about things. To many people, the things I feel and think are tightly linked with male biology and would think testosterone and having balls causes that. While... that's simply not true.

Sometimes I wish I had something for people to tell who I am. I wish I wasn't attracted to men, I wish I was a soldier. In academia, I just find myself, but in personal life, I'm clueless. My actions and life choices don't seem to speak to people, and I'm frustrated with this. I'm frustrated that all I do for years is swept under the carpet just because I have ovaries and supposedly there is a "correct" way for me to be.

 

You think I could be both genderqueer and a trans guy at the same time?

Yep, I feel like that's my solution. Because you see, I'd like to be seen as a guy, as mentally a guy, but reallistically speaking, the whole physical transition has a lot of downsides, and lots of problems it could solve, I can solve with other methods.

Haha, double life is my out status as well... I currently had to return to the female half for some time, and I'm not happy about it.

 

Thank you and I hope for the best for you too.

Really a lot of people identify as both? Always it seems like either binary trans or e.g. bigender, genderfluid, and then you shift to... something else. For me it's not that I'm not a guy all the time or that I'm not completely a guy. Anyway, that would fit if I was both.