Hi, so I pretty much consider myself to either be a transmasculine non-binary person or FTM, but I haven't figured it out yet. Generally, I have quite a bit of chest dysphoria, as binders don't work very well on my chest, and I have had thoughts about wanting to be on testosterone if only because I would pass for male (I look very feminine in the face). I feel like in the future I will get top surgery, and if i'm on testosterone, I feel like I might get bottom surgery aswell, because i've read details on what testosterone does to your private parts and I feel like I would become very uncomfortable with them. Of course it's vey expensive and i'm worried that i'm not 'dysphoric enough'. As for presentation, I defo prefer male clothing. While I fanasize about myself in cute dresses, whenever I put it into practice i'm just uncomforable because I feel taht people look at me as a woman even moreso, and when ever people say things like 'daughter' or 'girl' i'm usually thinking 'that's not me, that's really not me' When ever it comes to relationships or parenthood (i've had neither yet haha) I imagine myself as female, but that sometimes changes, espcially with relationships, where lately i've been imagining myself as more genderless than female or male. I also have this strange feeling that when i'm older, like in my sixties or so, that i'm suddenly gonna change my mind and want to be female. This makes no sense as I ahte being refered to as female and would much rather be considered male. And the last thing, which is that i'm scared to think of myslef as a cis female, because I really feel taht it doesn't fit me. I'm very mentally ill, and iv'e only been considering transgenderism seriously for the past three months, but it's been constant. Any thoughts on this?
There isn't really a measure of "dysphoric enough" that you need to reach. Personally I would say that any amount of gender dysphoria is enough. Enjoying wearing dresses does not mean that you can't be male either, as lots of cis guys also enjoy dresses. It's pretty normal to have doubts about this stuff though, especially since you are so new to the trans label, I would say try to take your time and don't push yourself into a label right away...questioning can take time...took me about 6 months from when I started questioning to know exactly what was going on.
Yeah, thanks, i'm just very insecure about my gender right now, haha. That and coupled with the fact that i'm worried it's just my illness or that I don't want to be male enough.
If identifying as a woman doesn't fit you, and you think you're trans, then you are. There's no level of "enough" in order to be transgender. If you have enough dysphoria to want hormones and top surgery and maybe even lower surgery, that's fairly substantial dysphoria. I mean, I identify as a binary trans male, and I don't think I want lower surgery. Give yourself some time to figure it out. Explore the identity. Maybe find a safe place where you can go out and present yourself as fully male, introduce yourself that way, and see how you feel. And try some other binder options. Could be you just haven't found the right one yet.