Is it common to feel overwhelming shame about the prospect of accepting being trans (ftm)? I got called 'sir' yesterday by a person that has done it a million times and knows full well I'm female currently. She does it as a power trip. Anyway, I've read how people find it an accomplishment to be assumed their desired gender but it makes me get that blushing and ashamed feeling... Not sure what to do with that.
Whoever that person is if they're doing it as a power trip their just an ass hole. I suspect (and hope) that when someone calls you your desired gender out of affection or respect that it will feel better? Always easier to give advice than implement it, but try to not let that jerk have an influence over you. (*hug*)
If someone's saying it in some ironic way or they think they're belittling you somehow, that's just rude. So feeling bad as a result is no surprise. If someone's doing it because they respect you and feel you, then it should feel good, right? When I was a kid and trying to be a boy and people would gender me as a girl, I'd feel shame from liking it. I thought it was shame from being misgendered or somehow diminished but I was wrong. I'd absorbed misogyny and internalized it even regarding myself, and transphobia before I even knew what that was. After all, all the stories and imagery involving us was usually the "deception" narrative, or the "perversion" narrative or the "object to be pitied" narrative. Shame is taught.
Kal, shame is a powerful emotion. It's up to each of us to make ourselves vulnerable in such a way as to help us build confidence and self esteem with the effect of helping to manage and deal with shame. Putting aside the idiocy of the person, fins the courage to make yourself vulnerable. Be whom you feel your supposed to be. Be open about it, take risks and challenge yourself in situations you might otherwise shy away from. As you overcome those challenges, based on my experience, I am sure you will build your own confidence and self esteem; thus enabling you to manage shame!
Hey, that's totally a thing. Shame is a difficult emotion, you often end up being even more ashamed on account of being ashamed, feeling powerless and childish for all of it. Also, before I got more comfortable with being perceived as ftm (i'm not, though, really), it made me really insecure to have people refer to me as that in public or to associate my transition with masculinisation. Like when I went to a trans meeting and people would just automatically assume my pronouns and gender. It's not you being weird, it's just a bad situation to be in, and it's caused by prejudice, assumptions or people being deliberately unpleasant. But if you feel like your shame is really hindering you from finding out who you are gender-wise, I think the only solution is to spend more time confronting yourself with the idea, read/watch more about or by other trans people or discuss it with a therapist or somebody else you trust. I was so uncomfortable changing my gender affiliation visibly, but also internally, for the longest time and often it still feels like I'm taking a dump publicly all the time, because everyone out there can see and guess what's up with my gender/sexuality... or at least they think they can ---------- Post added 8th Jul 2016 at 04:18 AM ---------- PS: anyways, if that's a bit of a consolation: if you don't completely ignore your issues, feelings like shame and confusion are going to gradually fade away, I think.
It can take time getting used to new pronouns and stuff. I'm still getting used to it. I feel more comfortable with feminine pronouns and a feminine name than anything masculine or neutral, but I wouldn't say I love it just about yet. It differs from person to person. Me, I'm a person with a lot of shame to begin with, so that kind of kicks in with this as well. Working on yourself and letting time play its part will hopefully help you overcome this. Good luck!
Thanks everyone. I guess it was causing more questioning in my head as to if I can be ftm if I'm ashamed to be called a man / sir etc. I know exactly where it stems from, my parents. And not in a hateful way, not the slightest. More in a trying to understand way - I'd be asked in a quizzical way whether I wanted to be a boy instead of a girl, or if I wanted a willy instead and the way it was asked made me instinctively deny that I did. Or if I wanted a short hair cut as a girl my mum would ask in an exasperated tone "why I wanted to look like a boy". And I remember going shopping for my birthday with my mum and being really into the skater style, opting for a hoody and skate shoes etc. She asked me then why I wanted to look like a boy. I think it was fear based for her in some way because of the implications in the 90s of being trans etc. I didn't want to let her down by admitting that I wanted to wear boys stuff and look like a boy. Nowadays I can't hide it because I am so so masculine and kind of knows that I've questioned it over the years as an adult. But we've not had a proper convo about it because I don't think she wants to put me on the spot. I've painted a bad picture of her, but this is a mother that didn't bat an eyelid when I came out as lesbian. I know that I care about being bullied and I care about being ostracised, because nobody generally stands by me that's just the way it's been over the years. I am so outlandish and different looking, to a point where I'm almost invisible. And for someone to call me "sir" in a brutish and rude way to try and hurt me just made me feel all prickly and red in the face. I'm so far off accepting the fact I'm ftm and I haven't a clue whether I can accept it and remain a woman or accept it and transition and change my life forever. Accepting the consequences. I don't trust anyone to talk to candidly about this, not even a counsellor because they all have their own agendas.
Call their manager. What a jerk. Honey, don't let her get to you. That's one gal who you can do without in your life.
