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Talking to our kids

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Jiramanau, Jul 7, 2016.

  1. Jiramanau

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    OK, so I haven't seen this discussed before and it's been on my mind alot lately because today is my daughters 5th birthday. I know she is getting to the point that her understanding of gender roles is going to kind of "cement" over the next couple years. It seems she already has the idea that gender is fixed so it's important to me that she at least understand that sex and gender don't always match. The whole thing makes me feel very uneasy because although her mom has said trans-positive in the past (before we split up 3 years ago), I have no idea how she will respond to the news that I plan to transition. I'm planning to talk to her about it the next time I visit and don't expect an extreme reaction but I would not be surprised if she wants our daughter to know nothing about it at this point and that would be heartbreaking to me. There's no reason to keep secrets and I feel like it just sets our daughter up to struggle with it if we wait any longer.
    Any thoughts or advice any of you have on talking to my ex or my daughter would be great. I'm open to all ideas at this point.
     
  2. What If

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    I dont have kids but I have talked to some about being trans. Most resently I went on a trip with a friend of mine and her 7 year old duaghter. The entire trip the kid kept asking me questions about why I have short hair and why I wear mens swim trunks and it got to a point that she just blurted out "are you a boy or a girl?" (mind I have known this girl sense the day she was born) I asked her why she was confused and she told me "girls dont have short hair and they dont wear shorts to swim in". So I told her that, 1 anyone can wear what they like and have their hair how they like no matter their gender. And 2 that some girls deep down inside feel like boys and some boys feel like girls. She just looked at me for a couple seconds, said ok, and went about doing what she was doing. She excepted what I said and moved on. Kids are so open to excepting things most adults wont because they dont understand that things should be any other way.

    I know your situation is a lot more complicated that this. I hope things go well for you. Wishing you luck and sending some happy thoughts your way.
     
  3. Wolfwing

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    While I'm not trans nor have I ever had to talk to a kid about this, I'd recommend that you try to explain, in terms a child can understand, that some boys deep down inside are really girls and vice versa.
     
  4. Lacybi

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    Kids really do seem to accept things easier for the simple reason that they don't know and we (adults mostly) DO.
    If telling her that you're trans, a girl inside blah blah blah is too difficult at the moment then maybe saying that it makes you happier to look like a girl and be called a girl, without explaining fully right now might be easier. I don't know, it was just an idea; good luck whatever happens :slight_smile:
     
  5. Jiramanau

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    It's not my daughter I'm worried about so much as what her mom will tell her. Like everyone pointed out, a kid can accept anything. But when her mom and grandmothers tell her one thing and I disagree with it, my 5 year old will argue with me, in the circular way 5 year olds do. She's DEFINITELY mine haha, hardheaded to the end. For instance: long before my marriage fell apart and WAY before I came out of my first LGBT closet, I came out as an atheist and ended a life that was built around church. That was what killed the marriage, it just took a long time to die. Well, last month my 5 year old spent an hour telling me I need to believe in Jesus so I don't go to hell. I haven't even discussed my beliefs with her, so I wonder where she got that idea? :rolle:
    I have to talk to her mom first, and we really need to explain it to her together. Or at least tell her the same thing. If mommy and daddy agree, she'll accept it. If not its going to be hard. The grandmothers are a lost cause. I've pretty much cut my mom off, and my ex won't even tell her parents I'm living with a man because they are so homophobic she thinks they will take it out on her.

    Maybe I'm paranoid but I feel like this is going to be a defining moment in my relationship with my daughter. If the transphobic voices in her life win and she rejects my identity it will be devastating. I could lose her forever...

    One idea is to arm myself with this book I saw called "sex is a funny word". It is for her age group and along with basic "boy/girl stuff", it talks about trans identities. Was also thinking I'd pick a couple transition timelines on YouTube and find a butnch of pictures to use as.gender-bending examples in fashion and social roles. I'd meet them to pick Daughter up on a scheduled visit, so my ex can't cancel it without violating our agreement. When I meet them at the restaurant, I'd tell my ex of my plans to transition and ask her to help me explain it to our daughter right then and there. If she will be supportive, thats great, problem solved. But if not I'll have 2 to 4 days to convince my daughter of who I really am before my ex, her parents and even my own mom try to poison my daughter against me.
    I'm not sure it's such a good plan, but it's the best I can come up with.

    The only other thing I can think of is to not say anything directly about me and not talk to my ex, but still use the books and videos to explain it to my daughter. But I think that might be less successful.