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I am lost, and have been so for my entire life - Please help

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by ShadowsofPsyche, Jul 7, 2016.

  1. ShadowsofPsyche

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    Thank you all for reading.

    I am a 24 year old male (I think?) and in the past few months I've begun to question everything regarding my gender identity. I am under a severe amount of stress in my life due to my physical health, mental health (I'm bipolar, diagnosed approx ten years ago) and everyday issues.

    I am now on a medical leave of absence from my job due to several co-workers seeing how upset and stressed out I was and reporting it to my manager. I was very frustrated at first but today finally accepted it and decided to extend it out several weeks to figure out some medical/life issues.

    Back to the topic... I feel like my struggles with my gender identity have ALWAYS caused stress and confusion in my life and have ended up making my other stressors so much more unbearable.

    I was born a male with no discernable chromosone dysfunction or congenital conditions. Throughout my life though, I was always more sensitive than boys my age. I didn't like too much stimulation, I was never loud or "played rough" like most boys did. I started puberty at the age of 9 (facial hair, pubic hair, and body odor started then as well) which for a male is VERY early and, per one of my doctors, should have warranted a diagnosis of precocious puberty and subsequent monitoring/treatment.

    In middle and high school, I never really understood the way most men think or act. The males I would befriend (and could stand to be around) where those who were almost like me, or gay. I didn't just avoid the traditional "manly man" kind of guys - I HATED them. I have always felt uncomfortable about how men are supposed to be seen in todays world in regards to expressing emotions, how they think, what they prioritize in life, how they talk, how they sit.... It ALL goes against how I've always done those things.

    For example, most men tend to spread out while sitting. I have always kept my body closed in and small as possible, trying not to attract attention or take up too much space. And before anyway says anything - it was not a matter of confidence or how "powerful" I felt. Even when I'm doing well and completely at ease I still sit that way.

    I discovered later on (several years after graduating) that I had a testosterone defiency which I began treating. Now, I have always been a VERY masculine looking man (minus what my friends call my "ghetto booty" that looks very feminine) due to my excessive body hair, height, and size 15 US in shoes. The testosterone only compounded on that and made me feel great! I didn't feel as confused at that point. Not to mention, I was losing weight and gaining muscle with ease!

    Unfortunately my dad was recently diagnosed with prostrate cancer and that influenced my decision to come off and stay off (in addition to the side effects of mood swings which were increased by me being bipolar and on psych meds). I also wanted to determine why the HELL I had this problem in the first place (I had brain MRI's, labs, CT of my adrenal glands, and testicular exams done both recently and in the past)

    They still haven't found anything. But even before I came off a few months ago, a few months prior to THAT I began seriously questioning my gender... and thats where I am now.

    I am biologically a male. I'm quite sure of that at this time. Mentally and emotionaly though, I don't feel that way at all unless I am sexually aroused or flirting with a girl.

    I WISH I could be born again as a female. I feel thats what I should have been in the first place. But I know that isn't possible.

    So I thought that maybe I should consider transitioning... well, that got me nowhere. I don't feel like I could ever be fully female unless I had a completely fresh start with my life. Apart from my body, there are still parts of me that are undoubtedly male. I know personally I wouldn't be comfortable being 100% female.

    Per my research, I learned about genderfluid/genderqueer/non-binary identifiers that seemed to make sense. I just don't know if I fit them or not. For once in my life, I want an answer to SOMETHING, even if it's not a good one at first!

    I've considered trying to live as a female at times but I always hold myself back with it because I keep thinking how others will react or think about me. Especially when it comes to restrooms. I live in Colorado and my understanding is that I have every right to pee where I please, and that right is based off how I feel and not how I look. And I know that for me it would be a big step in the right direction to figuring out who I am if I were to break out my social norm and try it. But unfortunately, whether or I would be able to pass or not (which based on what I said about my body, I could NEVER pass without some kind of medical/surgical intervention) I still feel like it's wrong or somehow "deviant" to use a female restroom. I just keep picturing a poor woman in my head who sees someone like me come in to the restroom (dressed in female clothes or not) and her being very uncomfortable... or God forbid, she is a survivor of sexual abuse (as am I and many of my family/friends) and the sight of me causes some kind of emotional trigger or flashback because she doesn't feel safe (regardless of what her views on the LGBT community are).

    I feel like that is wrong to place my experimentation at figuring out who I am over the someones feeling of security and safety...

    And I know changing my dress may help a bit in this situation but apart from maybe underclothes, I can't see myself ever buying or wearing womans clothing. I feel like I would just be a very odd looking man in drag, regardless of makeup/wigs/whatever.

    I guess this is just my call for help now. I appreciate those who read the whole thing...

    tldr: To sum it up, I'm not fully a man in my opinion, but have no feasible option to explore my feminine side or truly find out who I am. I wish I could have been born differently, but I don't see any way to label myself (help me on this) or "fix" where I am at right now. It all seems very hopeless and I just don't know what to do anymore.
     
  2. ShadowsofPsyche

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  3. What If

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    I can relate in some ways. None of the labels fit me either. From the moment I started my research I couldnt find a label that fit just right. So I just dont use them. I think most people dont fit perfectly under any label. To me I am who I am. I dont need to be put in a category or sub group of the trans community.

    Also being a bio female that has always been on the more masculine side, I have had problems with womens restrooms my entire adult life. I have been yelled at, had security called on me, and even had one lady try to physically push me out of the bathroom. I still use the female restroom (not totally comfortable walking in to the mens room yet). I say fuck em! You are there to go to the bathroom and that is all. The only way to change hearts and minds in this country is to put people in uncomfortable situations that make them think about other people. That being said use the bathroom you are comfortable with.

    Lastly I would suggest that if you live alone maybe getting some feminine clothing and accessories and wearing them around your house to see how they make you feel. Right now I wouldnt focus on passing. I would focus on figuring out who you are and take it from there.

    Questioning your gender identity is an emotional roller coaster! One morning you might wake up feeling confident that "yes I am a trans women" and by the time you lay down at night feeling more confused about yourself then ever. Its a journey and a struggle but in the end there is no greater feeling then knowing who you are.
     
  4. ShadowsofPsyche

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    Thank you so much!

    Is there anyone else who could chime in?
     
  5. Rickystarr

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    Let me just say I wouldn't suggest using the women's restroom as an "experiment". If you are presenting as female, sure, but I'd wait till you know for sure and are living as female. Just my opinion.

    Otherwise, it sounds like you at least believe you are a transwoman and your only real doubts is that you wouldn't pull off being a woman. While that is a valid fear, it isn't a reason to not transition, and it certainly doesn't mean you aren't a woman deep down. Experiment in other ways. Try wearing makeup or growing out your hair. Start wearing more feminine clothes, even if it is subtle. Pick out a girls name, try it out. Shave your legs. Paint your toes!
     
    #5 Rickystarr, Jul 8, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2016
  6. Invidia

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    At the end of the day... what I think is the most important is asking yourself "What will make me happy?" Reason may cloud your vision in this case. Listen to your feelings, what they tell you. What voice is it that resonates at the deepest core of your soul? How do you want to live?
     
  7. ShadowsofPsyche

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    I did some additional research last night while waiting for replies on my post and I discovered something that kind of makes sense...

    Bi-gendered?

    If I understand correctly it basically can mean I express and identify as both genders simultaneously - just with varying strengths? My thought is would that make sense in terms of me physically expressing (body, clothes, and hair/grooming) as a male (with no desire to dress female unless I was BORN as such... I worry that wearing womans underwear may only turn into a sexual thing rather than one of expression) but with the emotions, mind, behavior, way of speaking, and way of seeing the world as female?

    Does that make sense to anyone else? Do I have the right idea, or am I misinterpreting it?

    If I am right, I guess that would lead to my follow up question of how in the world do I live my life then while keeping both genders inside of me happy and fulfilled?

    I know in the end that it is ultimately up to me to determine this... but since I'm so new to really exploring this whole area of my life I would really appreciate any advice or follow up questions directed at me so I can determine where to begin and then forge my new path to self-fulfillment.

    I did want to add something about restrooms before I forget since it was commented on. I guess it wouldn't be "experimenting" as I originally stated (had a looooonnngg night). Truthfully, I do NOT feel comfortable in Mens rooms - regardless of the setting (work, stores, etc.). I think I owe part of that to my past abuse as a child (which without going into detail, occured while I was using a restroom at a friends house whose dad then decided to come in).

    Obviouslly, I would choose (and do now) to use unisex - both for my own comfort and the comfort of others. But given how I see myself and trying, for once, to respect my own needs.... should this be something I atttempt in the future? Regardless of my physical presentation? I read that the key is being confident and not making it weird when you first try to use the restroom you identify with.

    But given my current feelings on how to present... do I still have the RIGHT to do this? Do I have the right to do what makes me happy and comfortable, knowing that even if I don't look like a woman that I still am? Do I still have the right to possibly make others uncomfortable so I no longer have to feel that way myself?

    I almost always put the needs of others before myself (part of being meyers-briggs INFJ type and an HSP -- highly sensitive person). Is this something where if I know in my heart I'm only doing it for me to pee where I feel like I belong, if unisex isn't available, and not cause I'm some pervert trying to snap pics or molest a kid, that it is ok?

    At what point do I decide to do what's best for me (and as others have said, help set a precedent for changing the worlds views on this stuff) over what I PERSONALLY can understand could be a uncomfortable situation for some people?

    Hell, beyond even the restroom stuff... where is that line for me in my life in general??? At what point do I say my needs and feelings come first instead of worrying about what others think and feel??

    I know this is getting really deep and beyond just the gender identity/expression thing but... I don't know who I can ask that isn't biased... I will be seeing a counselor soon but that won't be for several weeks at least and any advice from people like me, my peers, my brothers and sisters, would be greatly appreciated. I'm struggling a lot at the moment and I'm glad I found such an amazing and inclusive group of people here.

    Thank you all again. It really means the world to me.
     
  8. Invidia

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    (*hug*)

    About the bigender thing, you've got that kind of wrong. If it were so that if you wear the clothes, have the haircut, and in general express yourself as stereotypically one gender, but identify as another, that would mean that basically every pre-transition male-to-female and female-to-male trans person is really bigender. Bigender means "I am a man and a woman". Do you think you're a man (and a woman)? If not, you are not bigender.

    I'm an INFP and an HSP, so I can understand where you're coming from. I have at times felt like I'm making trouble for people by living my life the way I want to, by cutening up my hair or wearing makeup. But you know what? If I did not do it, I would be making trouble for my trans fellows who share my struggle.
    We have just as much right to express ourselves as anyone else. If someone's upset about that, that's on them, not us.
     
  9. Rickystarr

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    Hey guys, I'm an ENFP and an OSP (occasionally sensitive person). Is that a thing? Lol jk. ENFP true tho
     
  10. AmyBee

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    Well, if it helps at all, there's no wrong to how you feel. Your feelings are your own and are all totally valid. And you're not alone at all. I think WhatIf, Rickystarr and Invidia are totally on point and I would just second a lot of things they've told you. And like Invidia said, your happiness is the primary thing. Maybe as an exercise make a list of the things that would make you happy. See which ones are totally feasible and focus on them for a while. Like some small goals? Each one you reach would be progress. Gender is kind of a BIG thing to tackle all at once. So try it little by little. Anyway, the main thing is find what makes you happy. And you have a lot of supporters here who are always willing to listen and help!
     
  11. Foxfeather

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    I can relate in a way, but look up the term "demigirl" or "demiboy" and see if they fit. Best to look in an LGBTQIA dictionary for terms and see what fits.

    I'm a bit like you, but reversed. I was born a woman, but a lot of days, I would like to have been born again a guy, or rather, been born male to begin with. I was always a fighter, an aggressor, a tomboy, but my body is rather feminine and small.

    But I love women. A lot. Even though I know that they can be b----y or all the other evils associated with women or PMS . . . I think I've come to a conclusion that I'd rather wake up to a woman than a man. And I'd like to be the more dominant one in bed, and the one planning all our dates and everything because that's the kind of person I am.

    There are parts of me that are distinctly female. I'm considerate, kind, and I think of the "we" rather than the "me." Sometimes I wish I weren't so emotional and in-tune to others because womanliness is often synonymous with weakness in our society.

    Some days, I'm angry at my sex and I want to be 100% male, male, male. Other times, I'm almost okay with being a woman. Sometimes both within the same day. Sometimes neither--I'd rather do away with gender entirely.

    The thing is, you gotta clear out what you've been told by society. At the end of it all, who are you, and who do you want to be, if nobody told you anything? That's how you'll come to find yourself.
     
  12. Marish

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    You poor soul. I
    My only ever gay relationship was with George, who three years later wanted to become Georgina. We broke up over this, I was young and could not see past his cxxk. George did become Georgina and I often wonder if things could have been different. I also worry about her as life must be tough. I get no news as the only mutual friend has died. It must take enormous courage to be yourself, all Gays know that and that's why so many are still in that dark, dingy closet, like me. May I wish you strength and luck. Love you all Marish XXX
     
  13. ShadowsofPsyche

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    I guess it's just a matter of learning over time then? I just get so frustrated since I never seem to have a clear answer for anything in my life... and I care way too much about others and their comfort levels verus my own. I'm just really lost I suppose. I want to try the restroom thing. I feel like it would be a step in the right direction -- I'm just scared to.

    Does anyone have any suggestions on how to do this or how I can work up the courage to try? Any other thoughts regarding this or my original post in general?

    I really appreciate the input from everyone! Your responses have all helped a lot :slight_smile::slight_smile:
     
  14. Invidia

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    I #relate to the bold part.
    Honestly... I don't know whether I'd choose that as a first transgender adventure if I were you. You'd probably be very anxious and likely wouldn't feel very good. Plus others might disagree. Might even disagree a lot...
    Why not try something like Partick^ suggested above, like clothes or makeup? Wearing panties or something like that.
     
  15. ShadowsofPsyche

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    I have tried the panties before even though i didnt mention it earlier. They are comfortable and might make me feel a bit better... but I mostly just get aroused. Not to mention, seeing my body in them just grosses me out.
     
  16. ShadowsofPsyche

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  17. ShadowsofPsyche

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