I'm just trying to figure things out

Hi.

Firstly, I'd like to apologize for any mistakes, I'm not a native english speaker. I'm sorry.

This thread doesn't fully fit into this category because it also has to do something with romantic/sexual orientation.

I'm 16. I was born a female. I know that some people realize that they are trans at a very young age but I've never questioned my gender identity or anything else until I was like 14. My parents are catholic, homophobic and transphobic and I'm afraid to even admit to myself that I feel certain things which I am not supposed to feel according to my family. I've never tried to talk about this because I'm really scared and new to all of this and there's probably nobody who would understand me in real life at the moment.

It started about two years ago. I don't know how. But once, I googled something like "I'm a guy trapped inside a girl's body". I didn't know even know that was "a thing" (I'm bad at explaining things, I'm very sorry. I don't mean to insult anyone). And since that google search, I can't stop thinking about it because I felt that way for some time and I actually put it into words and typed it into that bar. I tried very hard to forget about it but it just hasn't left my mind.

I don't like myself. I'm very unhappy because of something I can't put into words. And I have no idea what I'm feeling and it's very hard for me to explain it becase I don't understand it myself.

And then I realized that I actually might be a guy but at the same I feel like people wouldn't accept me. My parents once told me that they'd disown me and that they'd kick me out if I'd ever come out as gay. They also told me that being transgender is as bad as being a murderer. I know it's not true. I know that what they're saying is absolutely horrible and those hateful things they say make me cry but I tried to change myself. I tried to imagine what my future would look like if I was a woman. I'd probably be very unhappy and my life would suck but I realized one thing - When I picture myself as a woman, I feel like I'm pansexual/panromantic but when I picture myself as a man, I feel like I'm "just" gay. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm so sorry.

I recently cut my hair and my mother wouldn't allow me to cut it as short as I wanted it to be because she said that "I would look like a guy" but I was really surprised how much more comfortable I felt afterwards and even tho it's not as short as I'd like it to be , that little thing made me very happy and I love it. I also started using a shortened version of my middle name last year without even realizing because it sounds much more gender neutral and I am very happy when people actually use that name instead of my first name.

I keep thinking about that more and more every single day. So I took a few online tests, I know they're not accurate at all because it depends on what I'm feeling (but I tried them anyway since I don't even know what I'm feeling). Every single test I took said something different which made me even more confused although not even one of them said I was female. The S.A.G.E. test I took said: "Analysis: Female to male transition in doubt about your ability to successfully transition". I don't quite understand that.

I'd just really want to know who I am. I'm confused and I'm trying to figure it out because I don't feel like I'm happy with myself and it really bothers me. I guess I just needed to vent and tell somebody.

Thank you for reading this very confused description of some things that are going on in my head. Also, I'm sorry if I said something rude or disrespectful, I really didn't mean to do that.

Thank you.
Alex