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How to decide how to present?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by RyeTheDauphin, Jul 10, 2016.

  1. RyeTheDauphin

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Hong Kong
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    So things have been looking up for me lately - I'm a senior at school now so I can wear casual, which means experimenting with all forms of androgynous/masculine clothing from dapper lad style to an amorphous blob of sweaters and cargo pants, and I got my hair cut short a few weeks ago and absolutely love it. I've even been called 'sir' and 'gentleman' a few times, which I found amusing and kinda liberating. :eusa_danc

    However, I have some new questions about how I'm going to present in the future. I've been almost certain for a while now that I'm not cis but apart from that idk what's going on. The best way I could describe it is to paraphrase some fan fiction I read a while back: 'she' is out of the question but 'he' is a little too tight around the edges.

    Most of the issues I have are in my mind and how other people see me, and I don't particularly feel the need to change my body much in any way. I guess I just have a few questions about where I should go with this in the future, since I'm looking at how I'm going to live my life in a couple of years when I head off to university in some other country:
    - How do I know whether to present myself as a male or just a butch female? I have no problem seeing myself as genderqueer or whatever - I just can't tell how I would be most comfortable in presenting myself.
    - Should I come out to my friends and family? I don't think they'll mind but I do think some adjustment would be needed, and I don't even have a label or preferred pronouns yet, so how will I know whether it's time or if I even need to come out?
    - How do I know whether I should have hormones? Like I've said, I wouldn't want a sex change or surgery or anything, and because of that I'm fairly sure that I'm not FtM, but at the same time I do feel sometimes that I would like more masculine qualities (mainly facial hair and a deeper voice).
    - How would I go about changing my name? This is the bit that it worrying me a little at the moment, because I do feel that my name is too feminine and that I don't really identify with it (responding to it feels like Pavolovian conditioning more than anything else) and I have a few ideas of more gender neutral names I could use. The questions I have are: if I wanted to change my name when I went to university, how would I do that after I get there (ie after the applications process), and how can I change my name without making my family angry or guilty about it?

    So...yeah. Just a few things on my mind. I'm much happier now that I look and feel more masculine, and I'm just wondering where I should go from here.

    Any advice or answers would be much appreciated, and thanks in advance! (&&&) :icon_bigg
     
  2. vertical

    vertical Guest

    If you still are unsure of your label, then it may be too early to come out...if you feel the need to, you can just say that you are "questioning," no need to rush into a label early.

    If I were you I would research the effects of hormones thoroughly to see if that's what you really want...you can't pick and choose what effects you get, so you have to be comfortable with all of them potentially happening to you, even the unwanted ones...T is a very powerful hormone, so I would be cautious about your decision, don't take it unless you know it's right for you.
     
  3. Pistachio

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I think vertical hit the nail on the head as far as your first few questions go. Also, congrats!! I haven't seen you around in a while so I'm glad to hear you're doing well :grin:

    For not knowing whether you want to present as a butch lesbian, genderqueer person, or boy, I would just first think about how each feels. Are any of them uncomfortable on any level? And you said you like being called "sir" and "gentleman", do you think that's solely because you find it amusing and a nice change of pace, or do you feel like they suit you better? Also think about your future. How do you see yourself 10 years from now? What do your future relationships (friendships and otherwise) look like? If you're not sure that's totally fine, you have lots of time to get things figured out, but it's an interesting question to ponder at least.

    For names? I'm not sure about official stuff (legal papers, etc.) but if you want to go by a different name next year, I'd write each of your teachers an email of just talk to them one on one about what you feel most comfortable going by. And with your family, you could try to find a more gender neutral nickname that goes off of your birth name, even if it's only loosely related. That, or after you come out as whatever your identity may be and are starting to make changes, if your family is supportive, you could try to include them in your name picking process. If you're not ready to come out any time soon, you could also casually ask one of your parents what you would have been named if you were a boy. If you like it, then maybe it could be an option for you!

    Good luck!!