...I'll be really disappointed, because I finally felt confedent and like I owned part of my identity, and was looking forward to living as male (i'm AFAB). But recently i've been questioning how I would actually look if I transition, will I pass? I feel guilty to even question the idea that i'm trans, because even though I have dysphoria, I don't have a raging hatred for my body like some trans people have, and i'm wondering whether it's enough? I want to be male, or non-binary, i'm defo not a girl, i know that much.
I feel you. Think about it this way, if it turns out were both cis someday, neither of us will be dissapointed, because that will be what makes us both feel comfortable in the end, and give us a future we can look forward to. But I don't think you should worry too much about it. You're still pretty young, you have more than enough time to explore all the identities and options life has laid out for you. Hey. For many trans people there is a very real, very scary possibility of never being read as the gender they see them self as. Its unavoidable, and I know that I might not pass as I get older and my body goes through the changes that I don't want it to. But you know what? Even if neither of us ever pass, we will know who we are, and we will be more comfortable in ourselves because of it. Its enough. Trust me. There's no set of criteria for how much dysphoria you need to have to be trans. Go for what makes you feel most comfortable. I don't think most trans people hate every single aspect of their body, and some have no body dysphoria at all but still experience social dysphoria or euphoria and are still super valid. Hang in there. These doubts will pass.
If you're definitely not a girl, then you can't be cis by definition. Just... How do you see yourself in 30 years? Are you a man, a woman, do you prefer calling yourself something in between? For me when I was closeted, I still had fantasies about being a man- It took me years to realize I could even become a man. XD I don't experience doubt, so maybe I'm not the best person to look at for advice on this, but just try to imagine what you are. If you're a man, that's fine. If you're a woman, that's fine too. Whatever you are, make sure you are happy with it. Also, remember that masculinity or femininity isn't an exact science: There are masculine women and feminine men, and then there are trans people, intersexual people, people who are perfectly cis, etc. What's important is that you should figure out what you are, and learn to accept yourself, no matter who that person is. When it comes to passing, I completely understand dysphoria, though usually I can push it aside by making passing a long-term goal of mine. I know it'll be tough, but for as long as I can remember I dreamed of having a very muscular body, which will ultimately be my goal for my transition. I suggest you try to remember 3 things. 1. You can't currently do anything to change your body 2. You will eventually be able to work on your body as you see fit, though it takes commitment and 3. Self-confidence is not something most people are born with. If you don't accept yourself and try to build up your confidence, life will be a lot harder for you, so definitely try to work on it.
The worry about not passing is not something to worry for. I am pre-everything. I have short hair and wore clothing for boys today. I was read as a boy, though the sports bra can't hide that meat balls on my chest completely. I think the most important part of passing is your body language. And as I was told about myself and as I observed with transguys on youtube, a masculine body language is already naturally there.
I'm just going to hand down a helpful phrase someone else on here gave to me. "You can't get stuck in a gender unless it ends up being the right gender for you." If it makes you feel trapped, then your gender is in another castle, Mario.
