Hi everyone, My girlfriend reminded me a few days ago that when I came out to myself as bigender/fluid it was a case of, “I accept this, but terms and conditions apply”. In other words, I've given my female side just enough room for expression for me to feel comfortable but have otherwise maintained a death grip in order to maintain a slightly more flexible form of the status quo. Unsurprisingly, this means that in reality I’ve not properly accepted myself and it’s taking its toll in all sorts of unexpected ways. The truth is, I’m afraid of what would happen if I let my female side run free when I feel fully female. Will I have a different personality in girl mode? How am I going to handle things if I’m always a boy in certain situations and always a girl in others? What if I get stuck in one mode for ages? What if I’m only attracted to my girlfriend in one mode but not in the other? I’ve felt in the past few days my subconscious is pushing me to move to neutral pronouns and that my dress sense should reflect how I feel – a sort of, “If I’m dressed male, treat me as male, if not, then don’t.” But this whole thing (especially the obvious lack of control) makes me really uncomfortable, and I don’t know how to let go. Sorry, I know I’m panicking and I’ve written a lot on this site in the past few weeks. I thought once I’d found my identity the worries and pressure would drop off. I didn’t expect there to be further bumps in the road after coming out.
