I have been down lately due to body image issues. But it got me to thinking: are these issues dysphoria or dysmorphia or both? I know what is dysphoria, I know that I have that. It is the repulsion of all that is female about my body. It is my chest and groin and body shape, along with all the social demands and gender roles. This is clear. But then there is this skin-crawling disgust I feel when I see my reflection aside from the aforementioned. Fat. That's what I think, and I become disgusted. I have no such expectations for other people - and I think attractiveness comes in all shapes - but for myself it is entirely different. I am a stone cold perfectionist. As such, I cringe when I see my stomach. The part of me that is abominably stubborn. I want the flat, lightly chiseled core of a thin male. I want that physique: lean. It is not society pressuring me. I do not care about meeting the masses inane demands. I am my own worst critic - abusive, cruel, and ultimately counterintuitive. I flip between not giving a shit because I'm tired, and wanting to achieve physical perfection. On some level, I know I'm not fat. I am 5'5 and 127 pounds. By "female" standards this is healthy. But feeling or seeing any scrap of fat on my body sends me into a spiral of vehemence. At my lowest weight, I was -115 pounds and dipping into underweight territory. This was a time when I was essentially anorexic and very depressed (over a year ago). But knowing what I was and where I'm now, in terms of weight, bothers me. I feel like, if I could be that skinny then, why not now? I don't want to sound like a whiny kid saying I'm fat and ugly so I can get affirmation that I'm not these things. Rather I want honest answers and advice. I want to learn to love my body, or at least treat myself in a respectable manner. Build good habits, you know? With dysphoria, there is little I can do to address it at this time, but dysmorphia should be overcome. I want to treat my body as a temple as I know I should. But how do I get out of this erosive mindset that I'm never good enough? And also, has anyone else had similar experiences? If so do you have any advice for how you deal with it?
I don't know how much help I will be since I have simlar questions, but I will share my experience: my number one source of dysphoria or what I think is dysphoria comes from my hips. They are the fattest part of my body pretty much. I have no butt and skinny legs but the upper part of my hips just jut out with no Warning. Part of it is bone structure and can't be changed, but when I gained weight recently ( which I always thought I wanted) most of my visible fat accumulated there and it made me feel pretty disgusting. I wished I had never gained weight at all. I was dysphoric before from being skinny and therefore perceived as frail, and now I'm dysphoric for being flabby with feminine curves. And my build is similar to yours. I am 5'7 and 120lb. Two years ago though I was the same height and barely 110. I hated looking like the wind could blow me over. Physical strength is very important to my body image. Anyway, since I don't have such a big problem with my chest and genitals especially because they can be easily covered, sometimes I worry I'm actually only experiencing dysmorphia or basic female body issues and not dysphoria. But I'm pretty sure it's all gender related, and here's why: if I was chubby or skinny fat to the same degree that I am now, but my fat was distributed in a more masculine fashion, I don't think I would have a problem with it. For my size, I also have a rather flabby belly area and that doesn't bother me at all. In fact I think it's hilarious and love to jiggle it around. XD in fact, I would have no problem with being fat Someday in my forties/fifties with a big hairy beer belly. That's kind of how I picture my middle aged self, "Rick", and it makes me smile.
Same... I've also been near underweight territory and am now middle weight a bit of a way towards underweight (closer to underweight than overweight, I mean, but middle weight). But I still kind of wish I were quite a lot thinner... I don't know why really.
I totally get what you're saying. I have both. I am obsessed with getting bigger and bigger in terms of muscle, and despite being pretty big already I cannot stop critiquing myself. I lift weights 6 days a week for the most part and scrutinise the diet. I fixate on my chest and I'm working on that, with some good results - although I accept that there will be tissue in that area regardless of how much body fat I drop (as that's what is removed in top surgery and you can feel it under skin). I hate it. Bottom dysphoria isn't as tortuous apart from during sex. But I get you, the female form is stubborn and all you can see are hips, bum and boobs in the mirror. I'd suggest getting into working out and managing your diet to build muscle. I feel happiest during and just after a workout because I'm pumped and I look huge. It's off days and in the morning I hate my image in both the dysphoric and dysmorphic sense. Get yourself on Bodybuilding.com and start researching how you can actively alter your physicality. Feel free to add me and throw any questions at me directly.
