I posted another thread a while ago about questioning my gender identity and have since come out as gender neutral. I'm happy with the identity, but I want to completely transition. I'm AFAB and am dysphoric about my breasts, curvy figure, and voice, but not so much genitalia. I wouldn't mind really having either, but if I were to transition I'd want male genitalia to feel complete. I also don't feel any sort of depression or discomfort. Like a lot of transgender people are suicidal when they have the exact same dysphoria and situation a I do. But I don't feel upset in any way. I feel fine. Whenever I hear stories be it on the news or from other people they always seemed to have known from a child that they're transgender, but for me it was different. When I was younger, I switched from being a tomboy to being girly quite a lot. I went through many different phases before questioning my gender. No other ftm person I have heard about has gone through that, meaning they always were on the more masculine side of things. So, whenever I feel like I want to transition, it feels wrong to me. Not wrong as in I don't want it, but wrong as in I feel like I don't deserve it. I never went through the struggle of fitting in as others, I never felt completely trapped inside the wrong body. I never felt depressed or suicidal about anything, as aforementioned. And the fact that I came out at age 14 (now 15), rather than before puberty makes me think I'm being fake, or I'm just unknowingly I'm trying to get attention. How many of you had a girly phase before coming out? How many of you were/are in my shoes?
I only figured it out at 17, although I did experience gender dysphoria before hand but pushed it aside as I didn't know what it was. But not that many people figure it out in childhood, the media does emphasize/exaggerate this but this could be to make parents more aware of anything their child says/does that is gender dysphoria to make sure they get the right support earlier in life. However, there are many people who only work this out in later life. Sometimes I don't feel that I deserve the medical transitioning that I want, and not even sure if bottom is possible, but to stop any feelings of ''not deserving it'' I decided I'd pay for it myself - which will take just as much time as getting it on the NHS. Being feminine or masculine does not determine gender identity. Although some people might change their gender expression to be seen as the identity they are in the eyes of other people.
People experience dysphoria in different ways and at different times, and for a while I was annoyed at the narrative of people who have 'always known' too. I'm 16 and my dysphoria has only really gone on for just under a year and has only become really problematic about 4 months ago. Before then I was always either a tomboy or neutral, and I've tried to be girly a few times just to fit in but it never really worked - my mum says that one of her favorite quotes of mine from when I was a kid was: 'Mummy, I don't like princesses. I like animals.' I'd describe my dysphoria less as depression (though I have had my moments) and more as anxiety and a sense that something isn't quite right whenever someone uses female pronouns. Also, while I want to present as male at the moment, I want to do so without having any top or bottom surgery (I may consider hormones but I definitely don't want to think about that too much for at least a couple more years). If you want to present as male, that's fine. If you don't experience as much dysphoria or the same dysphoria as others, that's also fine. There isn't really a right or wrong way to be non-binary, and the best thing to do is whatever is comfortable to you without worrying about whether other people consider you 'trans enough' or whatever. Best of luck with whatever you end up doing.
