Today I went to a restaurant and the host(ess), of course, showed us to our seat. But I was pretty confused as to whether the host(ess) was male, female, somewhere in between, or none of the above. I never had to address them personally or anything, but this experience raised the question of how to avoid misgendering people. Genderqueer people, please help me out
Well, if the person whose gender you're unsure of is someone that you aren't likely to see/speak to for more than a few minutes, you could either just avoid using gendered terms like sir or ma'am, or you could politely ask them what pronouns they use. A general rule is just to ask a person what pronouns they use, as politely and discreetly as you can. Most trans* people would much rather have you ask than just assume
^ The poster above me is right about avoiding things like sir or ma'am if you can help it, though usually if I don't know someone's gender I don't just ask for their pronouns- Instead, I use them/them/their pronouns until I figure out what gender they are.
I feel odd, cause in a situation like that I would use their name. Nearly everyplace I have been the host/hostess introduces themselves and usually gives the name of the server. Or they are wearing a name tag... If I am completely unsure, I just don't use gender based pronouns. Simply an "excuse me, but can I get..."
The fact that you say host or hostess is in itself is a problem in this situation. Doesn't matter. Just say Hi how are you. That's it. Don't say ma'am or sir. Don't wonder whether they're host or hostess. Just say Hello, thank you, and carry on.
I would agree with the crowd here and say just avoid using gendered terms entirely. While in some settings, it's appropriate to ask what someone's pronouns are, there are many times when it is not appropriate. A server or host at a restaurant is in a situation where it is not okay to ask, I would say. You'll likely never see that person again, or they you, so it doesn't really matter if you know their gender ID except to satisfy your curiosity.
Also, what I've noticed and might be helpful: people will ask themselves these questions only when a person they deal with is, in their eyes, visibly queer/genderqueer/trans. But that's not something that you can see, ever. Even tough I profit from these standards of visible queerness because people can guess I'm trans and deal with that, it erases other people who can't or don't want to be all gender-bendy in public. So don't try to go with your gut depending on gender presentation. Just don't gender strangers, period. But then again, I don't live in a country where sir and ma'am belong to the common etiquette. When people do it to me, it's more often than not outright asswholery. :rolle:
