Update?

Hi everyone

Update to give hope.

I cut my hair short two months ago, and there has been a lot of turmoil in my life during the last couple of months. I came to the conclusion that I'm trans maybe in January when someone told me that quite impolitely. I wondered a lot on transitioning etc. Because seriously, one thing is concluding that you're a man, another is getting to know who exactly as a man you are.

I've got no idea who I am in terms of the popular terminology, but I know who I am bery precisely. I have no interest finding out how I'm called, because it doesn't matter.

At some point in Fevruary or March I was scared if I'm wrong because over the last year or two I was trying to appear more androgynous and excersiced a lot. My body chaned down to my bones, and my voice also dropped permenently because of the voice training I did, and I got scared. Because it's all pretty permanent and if I was cis, I could start feeling bad and it's all going to remain with me until death, I'm not gonna get rid of it.

Life with short hair is both amazing and scary. It was a good choice, because I am very happy with the change in how I am perceived that it brought, and I will probably mever go below shoulders. And, short hair is easier to live with. It's scary because having an otherwise guyish mannerisms, ways of being and clothing preferences, I somewhat pass and it troubles my family and some of my friends. It's scary because rebuilding my relationships with others is a pain, and additinally I got metaphorically kicked on the butt as a welcome to the men's world, people are just not nice to guys, you're a threat. I'm confused about all that but it all fits I suppose. I'm getting used to it and learning to navigate.

I've got a pair of boxer breifs too. Ha ha It also seems like lots of my dysphoria disappeared because I don't feel any aversion any more to do some things like a woman or things that are womanly. Sometimes, if it goes bad, I feel this creepy feeling like I'm trapped in someone else's body and all I can do about it is isolate myself from others until it goes away. But it doesn't happen frequently.

I see no way I could go back, however much I can complain about being a guy. What was there, in my feminine self, was only being forever an alien. I understand that my trouble feeling like a woman is not something transient. Only now I can properly relate to womanhood, without any pain. Through understanding that I do not relate to women, through recognising, respecting, communicating and affirming who I am.

I came out to several people calling it by the name. And I am getting into a habit of dressing masculine, because I see how it affects my interactions with others in a positive way.

Anyway, my family got over me finally. At least to a degree I can tolerate. Also, lots of things resolved themselves. I'm back to the dating scene, I'm growing up, I've got a car of my own, I hope to get a flat too quite soon, I'm going to finally have confirmation I was supposed to have at 16 (religious), and I changed the subject of studying. Full rebirth and transition ritual, even with almost starving myself. Where I come from a man used to become a man, an adult, instead of a child when he gets his hair cut. Probably I had it in mind all the time. The prospect of getting a job, being in a relationship, having a family, that all finally feels right, makes sense and it feels fulfiling. It feels like I'm being useful, needed, valuable, and in a way I enjoy too. I have never experienced that sort of thing before.

Could I have avoided it all? This question still baffles me. It is a nonsensical question nevertheless, because it's has nothing to do with the reality. I think I also learnt to stop asking at some ponit because some questions have no vital anwser.

I hope to get it all right this time. I think this rebirth of 2016 is in fact a blessing, a second chance I am grateful for, because I had the possibility of facing the flaws of my psyche snd fixing them, and fixing them as early as 20.

End of story? It's only the beginning.