Hello everyone. I'm new here and this is my first post because I'm very very confused and theres alot to write here so I will tell you my story then ask for your advice. So, ever since I was young I wondered who I was and it was a question that always stumped me when I thought about it and put it down to the fact I was young. I was in care with my grandparents all my life and saw my mum reguarly and my ad not until recently. Fast forward about 6 years and I'm 10 This is when I start to be attracted to guys. Then the opinion in my head is that I am gay. So until I'm 17 this is what I think but more recently I have had my doubts as when I was younger I would think 'why cant I be like all the pretty girls? why am I so ugly? I don't like who i am... etc' an then I started to get very depressed because my mum passed away and I felt like I was lying to myself. I did not feel like me. Then I thought I was genderfluid and came out and went out dressed as a woman and I felt like a weight was lifted and I felt like me for the first time in forever. but then had a bad experience and went back in the closet. This was a year ago and now I feel like I rushed it but I have been thinking more and I hate my body and I don't feel like I want to be a man. I want to have a handbag and wear a dress but then I'm overweight and have no friends I don't know where to start. I hate my dick and I feel like I want boobs and nicer hips. I think I'm trans but then I am so scared because I am so unsure. I'm 19 and about to start university and I really don't know who I am. I need your help with this to discover who I really am and what I should do next. I'm just so scared I also feel like this is something I've been supressing all my life and its just been the past 2 years where it has made me fall into a depressive state and like others I have read it has caused mild problems with drugs and alcohol which I am trying to sort out currently but I believe my feelings are the root of all of this and now this fear is killing me inside to the point where I feel scared and I have even had suicidal thoughts at moments because I am just so sick of who I am, lying to myself trying to bury everything I feel and now I feel like I am going to explode. Sorry to rant but I just need help everyone to figure this all out. Thank you, Curious39 :eusa_doh: ---------- Post added 19th Jul 2016 at 06:37 PM ---------- Also, I want to add that I don't hate my body but I just don't feel right in my body of that makes any sense. I just feel like I'd rather be a woman, some people think I sound like an attention seeker but I'm certainly not. My body doesn't feel right, it's more mental/social than physical even though I have moments of small dysphoria where I do really hate my body. I'm not sure what that means
Sorry you're having a rough time. I've been in a similar boat with questioning. Some of the advice that people have given me here I'll parrot back to you since it helped me. If you think into the future, how do you see yourself? Do you see yourself happy as a man or as a woman? If you're in a place where you can (mentally, financially, family etc) can you or have you tried experimenting with thoughts, clothes, actions etc associated with your desired gender ? If so how did you feel about it? If it feels right, keep trying things. If it feels wrong, that's.okay too, just don't do it anymore but you'll know more about yourself because of it. If you haven't tried anything, try it and see how it feels. Good luck! Keep reading and posting. It's helped me a lot.
I think that I have now realised that because of the grief of my mothers loss and knowing she wouldn't know that I wanted to be a woman made me surpress everything and now I've accepted her loss, I can accept I'm trans if that makes sense?
Appearance can be useful to a person but ultimately it's not something you or anyone should ever focus on, especially in the pursuit of trying to be 'happy'. If anything being trans can make it worse because there's a strong reason to innately feel "I'm not cis" "I'm different" "I want to pass visually" "I want to fit in". We also can't tell you what you are, what you should do next, or how to live your life. We do not have your mind or mental state, your physical state, your means and accessability, and we likely aren't trained professionals. Body image can take all forms, but some things about our body can never change, or aren't likely to change easily, such as hips and weight. If you're a man that wants to wear dresses or have a handbag that's not a problem, clothes don't make the person. It would be nice to be congruent and attractive in a body we idealize but for cis and trans people we all need to have a hard look at ourselves and realize life isn't fair but we can make the best of what we got. Most people have some issue with their body, be it their nose or face or hands or feet or skin or ears or hair or elbows or height or weight; ad infinitum. All I'm cautioning is that there are pros and cons on each side of the fence for whichever path you choose to take, but make sure it's from an honest and pure place; a pretty girl could land in a car accident and lose everything, so our value and values should never be anything aesthetic and fleeting.
