Male by birth, not really sure what to do. I've got nobody to talk to about my gender fluidity outside my therapist. Not to say I wish I were purely transgender but- ironically, I wonder if being gender fluid might actually be harder in some ways than being a flat out transgender. Because if I were strictly transgender, at least I can live one gender that feels comfortable to me. (Despite the enormous adjustment & struggle/process to transition) But being gender fluid is really tough, because no matter WHAT I do, I feel like I'll be uncomfortable in society's two gender options. I don't necessarily have happiness as a man because I've had enjoyment for femininity, women's clothing, and passivity. But I also don't think I feel SO feminine that I find comfort in altering my body & making so many sacrifices. It's hard to say for certain- but I still feel there's a masculine part of me that really doesn't want to become a woman. So, I feel stuck, unhappy. I can't even tell my parents or any of my friends...it's just too awkward for me. :/.
I sympathize with you. I don't even have a therapist to talk to. Literally the only place/people I discuss my gender and sexual orientation with is this place. I have found that having this site does help.
I have a therapist and many allies and an... accepting family, but no one to talk about transgender issues. My two transgender friends live 250 to 400 miles away and I see them 2 or 3 times a year (who I happened to meet here on EC honestly). If you don't have that connection to the community it's hard to express yourself in a way peoole don't understand unless you are in it. "You wouldn't get it" is quite a valid statement.
Like YuriCore said, we're all ears here if you want to talk. : ) An advice I could give is to spend time around people who could understand you; that is, people with accepting values.
It means a lot to me that you're all so open minded and so willing . Well...I feel quite depressed, but I'm trying to keep moving. And trying to be as positive as I could be, and not think of the world in such a negative light. Only thing is....it's tough living with this. I'm having other life struggles as it is, struggling with career and with other things- so having this on top of everything else has been very difficult. :/
That's understandable. (*hug*) You're okay though. I mean, we're basically all here on this site because we're perceived as weird somehow by society. And yeah, that's really unfair. We can keep furthering our rights and expanding people's consciences, though, so that we don't have to deal with so much unnecessary adverse attitudes. Fluid gender is probably less understood than binary transgenderism, which in itself is a helluva struggle in its own way. But this can and will change with time. Just connect with people who will accept you. Career and stuff can be hard too. There's often lots of stress surrounding focus on success, keeping up with a demanding work schedule, or so. Remember to take time to care for yourself. Take a bath, watch a movie with a friend, read a book. Sleep in some day.
Yes, I know exactly what you mean and I, too, just want it to stop. I've told a few friends and my girlfriend knows everything. But it still doesn't stop it being hard. I think the most aggravating thing is the sheer inconsistency of it all, and the shifts themselves can be quite emotionally exhausting, especially if there are a lot in a short timeframe. "Sorry I'm upset, but my shifts have left me tired and sad" isn't an easy thing to say.
Yeah... I often do my best to have gratitude. To remind myself how lucky I am that I wasn't born in Africa or the Middle East or something. To remind myself that I'm born in the first world- and not only that, but from a supportive middle class pretty liberal family who does care about me and helps financially support me. Even still- life has brought me a great deal of pain. This morning I woke up, and like many mornings- the first thing I think about is how much I want to wear a dress and be a pretty girl. When my parents aren't home, I put on a pink shirt and put on the one skirt that I have hidden in my house. And I feel a sense of calmness, relaxation, and relief from that....but at the same time, discomfort sets in later on in the day that I dressed like a woman. I wonder why I feel this way, it feels so messed up. I wonder if I really am transgender, or if I'm just someone who has liked crossdressing. More importantly, I look back to a few years ago, when these thoughts about being a girl were far more muted and less prevalent. I would do anything to go back to that time- a time when I felt more comfortable in my birth gender. I wonder what went wrong for me. The idea of changing gender in society seems so painful. To tell my family alone... I couldn't imagine doing that. To be viewed in an entirely different perception from my friends, and to perhaps lose a good deal of them. To have strangers talk about me, even though my life is none of their business. To wonder if I'd really pass as a girl or not (I am fortunate to look pretty androgynous, but still) To wonder how the heck I'd pitch up my deep voice. And to be wary of the danger that being a transgender has posed to others.
I'm trying to learn how not to hate myself. I've posted a lot on here (hopefully not too much), and as I've said, my transgender tendencies have been prevalent much more in recent years. As a result, I haven't fully come to terms with them. I feel as though it almost feels impossible that I would ever want to feel like a girl. But then... I cannot deny certain facts. The fact that I have photos of me crossdressing on my computer. The fact that I have woken up feeling like a girl- imagining myself in pretty dresses on practically a daily basis for quite some time now. So...as much as it pains me to say it: these feelings have existed on a subconscious level for some bizarre reason. I wish I knew why. The question is...how strong or concerning are these subconscious feelings? Are they so strong that I would really consider transitioning? Staying as a man or becoming a woman...would either of these outcomes really make me happy? What do I do with these feelings?
Tbh I feel just like you but you have all of us to talk to about it and I know it can be hard but if you have best friends from both genders its a good idea to come out to them (if you feel comftable) because it helped me a lot to be able to talk to someone on my level about my gender fluidity
Maybe so, but this is torture. My body wants to be a beautiful girl, as I have constantly imagined myself in pretty floral dresses, acting with girl mannerisms. But emotionally? I don't want to change my gender! I don't want to have to change my male identity that I've worked so hard to build. I don't want to go through all the struggles a transgender person does. Being forced to morph my body just because society isn't open minded towards me acting female/feminine as a man. :/ It's brutal. Is there any middle ground? Any at all?
What is it about your vision of femininity that you find appealing? Dresses and external presentation are only one way to express femininity and maybe you can find ways to express that side of yourself without these signifers. Think about the women in your life, how many walk around with sundresses and the free, childish and unhindered way that you connect with femininity. Most of the women I know, are mature, strong willed, wise, caring and empathetic. They are mothers who see their famillies as extensions of themselves, they aren't afraid to share and connect with people around them. As a trans woman, I see these women as my role model, femininity to me isn't about wearing dresses or putting flowers in my hair, it is about being a mother, a sister, an aunt. It is about doing the best with what I have, caring for others, seeing the world through their eyes and enjoying those small pleasures in life like hugging a child, singing and listening to music and connecting to others by talking to them and understanding who they are inside. (*hug*)
I can’t speak for Snidi, but I can understand his attraction to wearing sundresses, et cetera. I’ve noticed that there is an age difference between my boy side, which is definitely an adult, and my girl side, which is stuck as a young child, and I knew this before I did all the self-reflection on my gender. My theory is that this is because as an AMAB society has encouraged and validated my boy side whereas my girl side hasn’t been permitted to express itself in any way since it was really young, so effectively I have grown up asymmetrically. Thus when I switch, I feel younger and the switch can come with a strong drive to be recognised and present in a similarly young, girly way. I mean, my girly side definitely likes feminine clothes, but ultimately it is also a matter of a need for recognition rather than exclusively a straightforward aesthetic preference.
You are right. I tend to view the second puberty that most trans people go through when they transition as a period of identity construction. It works very similar to how your male identity was construct during puberty. You adopt stereotypical behavior and interests as a way to establish a framework identity that serves as the basis for the identity we construct later on in life in our 20s. I do believe that gender expression through clothes and behavior is an extremely important part of this period of growth and maturation. My thought was that a different perspective on femininity might help Snidi with this process of identity construction without relying on gender expression through clothes or other visual forms of expression. I know that it did help me quite a bit to reflect on femininity in such a way and has helped me cope and grow despite being unable to express myself in more traditional ways because of my family. I hope what I wrote didn't come off as critical. I am struggling to express myself today because of severe gender dyshoria and I suspect my posts reflect that to a certain extent. :redface:
I love sundresses and skinny jeans and swimsuits and whatnot but I think Eveline has the right idea. Those things are external. Fashion and expressing yourself that way is really fun and immediate and something that is generally forbidden to you for so long, but when you come right down to it, the most important thing is who you are inside and how you express that with authenticity. Clothes can help you look like your true self, but that true self and your gender expression start internally. And there are a ton of things you can do to establish and construct your own special identity and sense of self. One thing I do is I spend a LOT of time listening to other women. Not talking over them or horning in on their conversations. I mean online, of course. After getting teased about being a "girl" because the one time I picked up a "Women In Rock" magazine in front of a guy friend I just totally embraced that and started finding women artists who spoke to me more and more. Also authors, artists, performers and just people in more down to earth fields. There's so much going on all the time. It's easy to feel isolated when you don't feel you have people to talk to directly... and then there's here where you can always vent and talk... but you can immerse yourself in your family. Which is to say, the greater transgender community and also just women in general. There are so many different voices out there and some of them are speaking your person language and will make you feel connected both to who you are and also to others as well! And have fun with clothes, too, when you can.
Perhaps I have been obsessed with external beauty- outward femininity, wearing pretty dresses and the like- is because I spent my life not being recognized for my feminine beauty. So I never had the chance to 'grow' into a mother or an adult woman. I would still have a teenage girl phase to go through first. I would say my body had wanted me to be female- my body had wanted to have a feminine appearance. But my deep thoughts/consciousness want me to remain male. So I don't know what to do there, with all those conflicting thoughts/feelings.
