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So many conflicting thoughts.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Generic Name, Jul 23, 2016.

  1. Generic Name

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Pretty much every single day, I'm reminded that I'm not happy about my gender, through the absolute tiniest of things now, and it's starting to take a toll on my sanity. Being absolutely truthfully honest, I hate writing on forums, it gives me 1000x more anxiety because I'm actively thinking about the world of transgenderism. But my thoughts are persistent, and they're persistently conflictive in nature. Let me try to explain briefly.

    Any time I think of myself as transgender, my mind instantly comes to the conclusion of: "you're delirious, no one will take you seriously, you will never be a girl, you bring shame and dishonor upon yourself for even labeling yourself as 'transgender'. Other people truly earn/deserve this title, you're just using it as an excuse for something, to draw attention to yourself".

    I'm constantly beating myself up about this mentally, to the point where I'm struggling to talk to anyone about this. I want to start my transition, but as soon as I get into the right mindset, I end up shutting myself down, as I feel that I'm just being "attention seeking".

    I genuinely hate this feeling, because it's preventing me from fucking describing my feelings accurately, without feeling shitty about them, and somehow forcing myself to think that I'm just seeking attention. It's causing me so much distress, and so many things remind me about my internal struggle. Even hearing or seeing the word "girl" is enough to trigger this sort of response.

    Honestly? I don't know what to expect from this thread, it's just more of a rant. There's loads of stickynotes on my desktop, full of stuff like this, but highly detailed, and I'm deathly afraid of sharing my true thoughts and feelings. I don't know why, everyone around me is supportive, but I still have a hard time coming to grips will all this, even though I've been actively thinking about this for like 3/4ths of a year now.

    Sorry for the spiel. This was actually meant to be like 2 paras, max... But I just get so carried away. I'm not even going to proofread, otherwise I'll just do what I always do, and delete the thread before I even post it.
     
  2. Rickystarr

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    Hey, just let me assure you that this is an extremely common thought process for transfolk. I think most of us doubt ourselves and think maybe we are "not trans enough" for some reason or another from time to time. And worrying whether you just want attention is another big one. But if you are so afraid to talk about it, how can you just be looking for attention? I told myself that too and I have gone five years more or less knowing without telling anyone. I've known for sure I am trans for like six months now and I've only told a handful of people. But I still feel like I just want attention sometimes because it's all I think about most days. If I wasn't afraid of bothering people or putting myself out there too much, it would be all I talked about pretty much. I feel really self centered sometimes and I often hate myself for it because I think about how there are people starving and being killed and all I can think of is how much I hate my hips and wish people would stop calling me "ma'am". When I say it like that it sounds so trivial but the fact is, I'm constantly consumed with thoughts I wish I didn't have. I have depression and anxiety caused entirely by being trans. It's not so simple and all our problems are real, even if no one can see them. I just have to keep reminding myself that and so do you.

    So hey, don't beat yourself up, and you are by no means alone. We've all felt this way and this is a really tough process. And the people on this forum are so helpful and supportive, they can be a real resource. If you have something you need to talk about, please feel free to talk about it on here, no matter how long or personal or rambly it may be. We all do it and it feels so much better to get it out and hear from other people who know what you're experiencing, because trust me: We understand more than you can imagine.
     
  3. 66vangirl

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    Please give yourself a gentle hug. I have been around so many people that are trans or gay or just non-conforming and I certainly heard a lot of 'just want attention' comments. I have never met anyone who went through this because they wanted attention, or were making up their experience. This is coming from an honest place inside you no matter how hard it is.

    The chronic disconnect between your internal experience and external feedback does cause it to be constantly on your mind. That is natural. If you can create a small space where this is not present that is great. Maybe at home you can turn off anything that brings that disconnect up, media, be alone, dress how you feel, experiment with things like 'how would I act right now with no one looking if I was female'.

    I am a huge supporter of mindfulness practice. It can be a relief when dealing with these thoughts and emotions to track them back to your body. What area of your body is feeling hot or cold, tense or loose, excited or anxious. Then just sit with it for awhile. It tends to help things get less intense and pass when you can do this in a non-judgmental way even for a few moments at a time.
     
  4. Kal

    Kal
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    I'm slowly coming out of that place you're in. I know exactly how you're feeling, every single terrible thing you could think of yourself rattling around your head and making the inherent feelings seem worse than they are. It makes you feel that you could never ever consider accepting the fact that you are transgender. Forging your own path is hard and announcing to the world in such a visible fashion, should you wish to transition, that you are a different gender to that they're used to interacting with isn't a walk in the palk. The thing is, I know how badly I want a flat chest and how much I envy facial hair. And I cannot stop thinking about how I lack those things. Being called 'girl', 'darling' or any other female pet name makes my skin itch...especially when I'm lumped in with 'ladies'. It isn't me. And my birth name is so so feminine.

    I guess I don't have any happy path for you to tread, but the one thing I can impart is that it is day by day. You slowly but surely begin to relax that death grip of shame from around your kneck and become exhausted with the torment. So you allow yourself to think "what if" and "why not". That's a better place to be and I'm now thinking about if my life needs to go down the route of transitioning. I believe it would force me to move, which I'm in the process of trying to make happen, to start again but that's a positive step. Hang in there, you do end up giving yourself a break.
     
  5. Generic Name

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    This is extremely reassuring to hear, thank you. I guess I just gotta stop being so critical on myself, but it's harder than it sounds, for sure. Even if I can't, I know that there will always be someone here that will help me. The community is absolutely fantastic here, and I really shouldn't be afraid of opening myself up, as most likely, someone else has already had these thoughts, and conquered them :slight_smile:

    I don't even know why I jump to the "this is for attention", as an argument against my own feelings. Sad fact is, I'm having such a hard time accepting these thoughts, and any time I try to dismiss them, or accept them, it just throws me into a pit of anxiety. Thankfully, I do have a female persona online, but as soon as I'm required to speak, it just all breaks down. I sorta know the vague direction of where the sources of anxiety lie, but it's hard to pinpoint :c

    I know it wasn't going to be an easy stroll down the road, but the extent of those feelings can just get a little too much to handle at times. I don't really like being called any male pronouns, and what makes it worse, is I have very few female friends, none of which actually know my situation. Honestly, I hope you're right, as holding on to these thoughts isn't healthy, whatsoever. Time heals all wounds, I guess.

    Thank you for your responses. You've really brightened up my day, and reassured me that these thoughts are nothing to worry about, and is pretty normal for transfolk. Hopefully in the near future, I'll be able to actually accept who I am, and ditch the "look at me, I'm an attention seeker" thoughts. :slight_smile:
     
  6. AmyBee

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    Remember you're not unworthy at all. You were put on the earth to be happy and not only do you deserve happiness, you have every right as a person to be happy. Who you are is your innate truth and some of what you're feeling is the process of discovering that.