I'm not reaching out to this group to segregate but I truly need the views and experiences of people that are mid/late twenties and above, and work in a large organisation. I've posted a number of times but this is a specific need. If I decide to transition, how do I go about it at work? I work in a large office building and am frequently in meetings etc. My reach is quite far and I am well known. My biggest fear of this is ridicule, staring, judgement and awkwardness. The hardest part to me would be the wait list for HRT and coming out in between. Changing my name, asking to be addressed as male and clearly still physically and vocally being female. That just seems weird to me. Telling people to call me he and I sound like a woman. And being misgendered. And the toilet situation...oh god, didn't think about that for a second. Going into the men's toilets with male colleagues that have known me as a woman. Jeez. How do I work this through at a logical pace? If I could take time out from work, transition and come back as a man, that would be awesome. But I have a mortgage to pay.
For myself I waited until I was on hormones before I openly transitioned and went as such into the workplace. To me it really depends on the person, if they can handle the fears or rejections by being open earlier, or if they want to be more fluid/stealthy and make the switch as they go. I'm of the feeling that a person ought to wait until their transition becomes more outwardly congruent with the inner, both for the individual to not feel like a sore thumb and also for others to kind of 'get' it better. It won't really make much of an impact just changing pronouns and the like when visually things are still awkward. If you can I'd say take your time until things mesh together, but as long as you keep this job people will know regardless, be it gossip or first hand confirmation. I would suggest talking to any HR reps or those that can help with social and professional settings, incase there is any backlash or passive aggression. As for legal documents where I am things are very lenient, a gender marker doesn't really seem to do or change much so imo it's pretty much a non-issue. I work in the trades myself, so you can imagine the stress I went through as a transwoman being in a "man's" field (Where homophobia bigotry and many issues lgbt are taboo or insulted by the loud boisterous types), but I was already on hormones for nearly a year before I made the full switch and people either ignore it, embrace it, say nothing, or usually have no idea. Keep in mind I bounce between jobs and sites and contracts so sometimes I meet fresh faces or I see an old coworker from weeks/months/years ago. I think for those that knew me before the changes and the way I carried myself gave them an idea, so if they saw me later it made sense and it was just never a topic to bring up or discuss in the first place, I'm me and I'm a good worker. People can oftentimes look past the petty stuff like appearance when they see and value a person's work ethic or intellect, if anything they'll respect your work. I don't work in an office so I know it's a very different atmosphere, I don't know how friendly or social your workplace is but oftentimes these issues are as awkward as the person themselves make it out to be. I totally understand the weird feeling you're talking about, and I have to say I agree. To each their own and if someone is proud and confident then that's fantastic for them, but not everything that can be done should be done, and for the sake of other's and your own comfort it might be prudent to slow-go it until things come to fruition. Honestly the hard part will be waiting, and the initial plunge into the open. If people insult or judge or ridicule, they're hypocrites because we all have issues that are worthy of such, some are just more visual. Hope that helped, and just remember that you know your heart and how you feel so don't worry about the outward too much since it can and will change but it doesn't define you. God bless =]
That's really helpful, thank you. You're right, coming out loud and proud right now when I'm assumed a woman, based on voice, chest etc. It needs to be an iterative thing. The wait list for an initial appointment with the gender clinic in the UK looks to be a year...I'm not getting any younger!
Are you located in the United Sates? Out & Equal is an organization that specializes in helping people who work in big corporations come out. They are a great here locally. If you have a local chapter around your area, I highly recommend you check them out. They are partners with the biggest organizations in the nation and they know how to work the corporate culture in a way that works for you. If you don't have a local chapter, start talking with your local LGBT chamber of commerce. Also, I would consider going to the Out and Equal annual national conference. I guarantee you will fall in love with them. Here is also a good resource in the meantime: http://www.outandequal.org/resources/workplace-transition-guidelines/
Thanks very much, I'm based in the UK so unsure what the equivalent is? My company is very supportive of LGBT community and follow the law to the letter. However, it's the passive prejudice I fear - being treated / spoken to differently and in a way that cannot be evidenced, if that makes sense. I have no doubt that the company wont ignore any blatant prejudice, but prejudice against LGBT is regarded differently to say, racism. A slap on the wrist, if you like. Anyway, thank you. I'll take to the Internet and find some external support network. Not in my town though, still need to maintain some anonymity.
I'm not trans but my fav transguy youtuber is in his 30s I'm sure he probably says some interesting things that would help you. I find him really insightful: https://www.youtube.com/user/TheSLOfox
Haha I think that was actually me that recommended him before. On your post entitled "Fear". I didn't realise it was you till you said that and then I checked lol. But yeah, I love watching his videos.
well, I'm in my early 40s and have transitioned at a job in a large company. it is not without it's issues. Start by going to HR. I did pretty early on. Just so nothing would come as a surprise. My HR person was not the greatest, she seemed very weirded out, but she knew enough to be polite. I've honestly never heard someone use the word "diversity" more times in a single conversation. Many months later, I've started HRT (finally...took 9 months from initial phone call), I'm fully socially transitioned outside of work, and I'm ready. (there are people I trust at work that know, there are people that have guessed) I return to HR. This did not go as well as I would have liked. I am told that they have a very open dress policy. Ok good. I ask about bathrooms, and I can see her react in horror. she starts to backtrack. I explain how I would not at all feel comfortable using the men's room, nor would I feel safe. I discuss my plans to legally change my name, and she says that it is probably best to wait til I have everything all done and then come out at work. I leave that meeting and cry a little. a get an email a few weeks later from her. She's talked with people above her head who know how poorly that went (and probably actionable) I am allowed to use the restroom and dress as I like, but they will not make any changes in system to my name until I have it legally changed. This means I will have to sue my deadname on the phones until my name is changed. This is enough for me to come out at work. changing before work has been slowly killing my soul. A few days later, on a Saturday, which is a lot slower, I have one of the scariest days of my life. I hide a lot, but by the end of the day people come up to me and tell me I look great and congratulate me, and of course the requisite "you're so brave"s and "you're so inspiring"s Work is mostly great at this point (someone apparently accuses me of still using both restrooms and I lose a lunch hour crying about it, because I don't know why someone would make that up or what else they might do). I deal with a few transphobic co workers, but almost everyone is supporting and awesome. I push even harder to get my name change done. 2 1/2 months ago, my name is legally changed. I've stopped using my deadname on the phones for a few weeks at this point, because I can't take it anymore. No one ever gives me any hassle about it. I get my name changed at work, which is supposed to change it in all the work systems. It doesn't. it changes it on my tax info and my benefits. I email HR regularly for a few weeks and finally get a response that a bunch of specific requests need to be put in. I need to do some and my manager needs to do others. He does. I do. Most of it is still not changed. yesterday our chat system finally updates. It's slow, but it seems to be getting there. Now, my experience won't entirely be the same as yours. People may very well be supportive. They may have experience dealing with it. But definitely start with your HR department. They might actually work with you. If your company is big enough, they might even have people that help with social issues at work. You might not have to go it pretty much alone like I did. At one point, while I was tired of the name stuff not being changed, I tried contacting our EAP, they were useless, so don't bother with that route. Feel free to message me if you want any help/guidance/insight/commiseration/clarity
I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. It's interesting to read about it step by step. I guess I pretty much anticipate the above in terms of reactions from some and treatment in process of changing system stuff etc. There's one horrible piece of work that I know will find ways to embarrass me...a foul human being. But, the initial appointment with GIC is 12 months wait...so I have plenty of time to work this through. I hope to not be working at this company by that point anyway and to be living in a more diverse area. Who knows!
good luck. I actually came out fully and socially transitioned about a month before I started working there. Considering my legal name at the time, and knowing how badly I would need a job to fund transitioning, I interviewed and got hired as my inauthentic self. I really wish I had not done that. If you do start somewhere else, maybe you can avoid the whole thing, and just start there out. My primary trans support friend managed to do that, getting hired for a new job and then starting T later that same week. I did get lucky in that my "horrible piece of work" managed to get himself fired for sexual harassment...
Oof, I worry about this too. I have two jobs: One is menial and my fiancee strongly does not want me to keep working there but I don't think coming out there will be a problem. The other is an office job with room to advance, and that is the one that might be problematic. I have like fifty coworkers in my office, all older than me, and many in their fifties or older. I don't think anyone would be outright rude to me, but I think name and pronouns might be an issue. And I cringe thinking about going to HR and them sending out some sort of mass email telling everyone about my little "issue" or me just having to come out to everyone one at a time and...ugh. I really can't imagine doing that so I will probably have to quit once my changes are undeniable, and then there is the issue of having no work experience under my new name and having to get everything legally changed or still contacting everyone I've ever worked for and telling them about my name change for references...I can't even think about that right now. It is currently my biggest source of anxiety.
Yes buddy, that's exactly it. The mass email...urgh. They wouldn't do it in a face to face type scenario to save discussion and potential issues. In a perfect world, I'd quit and transition. But alas, the mortgage and bills won't pay themselves.
My manager asked me if I wanted a message, or a meeting, and I said no. Seems to me, if you didn't want a mass e-mail, just telling HR not to do that should accomplish exactly that. Any large corporation is going to have an HR that's there for the employee's needs, and a direct request like this, there should be no reason to deny.
I see where you're coming from. I guess with the fact that I have so many interactions and my department is quite large, it would be harder on me to have to keep coming out (if that makes sense). For example, changing my name and then they receive an email or meeting invite from me using that name could prompt more questions and gossiping. I don't know, I don't have the answer. For me, trying to find the least awkward way is the preference without having to keep saying to people "I'm a he not a she" or "my name is Kal now". Etc etc. I'm worrying about this now when realistically, I should probably relax because the physical transition isn't going to happen for quite a while.
It's natural to be nervous. OMG. I'dve never made it through that first day if I didn't have my coworker there all the time with me as support. (except when she went to talk to her boyfriend real quick and that was of course when everyone noticed! ) And it wasn't all really that bad. I had a few people come up to me and say "you look really nice" or some sort of derivation. The number of conversations I had were minimal, and really spaced out. I had like one that first day. Everybody was right on board, though there was some stumbling and stuff.... It really wasn't anywhere near as bad as I'd imagined...it wasn't without it's issues, but people, on the whole, are pretty respectful I think and can pick up on obvious stuff. Admittedly I was pretty well at Boymodefail by then, and chose a very clearly gendered outfit (though nothing outrageous..I wore jeans) with makeup, but I think clear presentation, while perhaps a little more obvious MTF, can be the majority of "getting the point across".
