1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

help with parents

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by unknownerror, Jul 26, 2016.

  1. unknownerror

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2012
    Messages:
    128
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Skullcrusher Mountain
    so here I am doing this. I came out fully and socially transitioned a year and a week ago. I started HRT a little over 8 months ago. I've legally changed my name and gender. I'm living the life I want, authentically, and I'm pretty damn happy (when I'm not crying all the time lol) I've got the support of my friends and my family...all except for my mother and step father.

    My stepfather has not spoken to me in over a year. My mother speaks to me occasionally, but has done some really hurtful things like emailing me the day before my last birthday and telling me she was going to have a memorial for her dead son.

    I have been patient, keeping myself open, and understanding. I do not want to burn that bridge, but every time I open up and try to communicate something awful is done or said.

    I've tried heartfelt touching letters, I've tried patiently waiting, I;ve tried talking to mutual family and nothing has worked...

    I'm wondering if someone might have some suggestions or parallel incidents?
     
  2. Eveline

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2015
    Messages:
    1,082
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    home
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. I wish I had an answer for you, like yours, my parents are completely unaccepting and in my case it has forced me to stop the transitioning process because I don't have the needed independence to cope without their support. Eventhough they said some really painful things, somehow everything went back to what it was before I came out.

    You were so brave to take the plunge and do what you had to do. Truthfully, patience and exposure are probably the best chances that you have. Showing them the beauty that lies inside of you and how positive this change has been for you. Reframe the narrative to something more positive in their mind. What's going on in their minds that is stopping them from accepting? Is there a way to ease their fears or shame through change of perspective?

    I do hope you find a way to reconnect with your parents. Losing people that you love is one of the more heaetbreaking parts of transitioning and it is awful that we have to go through that just to live.

    (*hug*)

    Eveline
     
  3. unknownerror

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2012
    Messages:
    128
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Skullcrusher Mountain
    Thank you. I've been trying that. It's been over a year now, but my mother is still hung up on how "it affects her". Sometimes things seem better..we had a decent phone call on christmas (of course I wasn't included in the group family skype chat)so I felt like it was more possible, and then I felt bad that she was missing so many important things in my life and I tried to reach out to her with that as a framing point and it did not go over so well...

    I've tried a lot, and I just don't know what to do....at least my brother has started to realize and isn't enabling her anymore...
     
  4. Rickystarr

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 13, 2016
    Messages:
    1,054
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Kansas City
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Honestly, if my parents were going to disrespect me, I would feel no need to keep in contact with them. The only reason I care to communicate with them now is because they are generally nice and fun to be around.

    Maybe they just need some time to think things over and need some space. What do you need them for if they are just going to shit on you anyway?

    Sorry if that sounds like I am over simplifying or negating the importance of parents. I just find that it is easier to think about losing people with that attitude: Why do I want to be around them if they are only bringing negativity to my life? And if they loved me they would be respectful to me.
     
  5. unknownerror

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2012
    Messages:
    128
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Skullcrusher Mountain
    I agree, almost completely. Before I even spoke a word to anyone, I had to accept the concept that I might lose everyone, that I might have to start all over. And once I was able to reconcile that in my head, I started to come out. I was pleasantly surprised how many people accepted me. Very few did not, and no one of any real consequence, except for my Mother and Step-Father. And as much as I'd prepared myself, I really didn't think she would be supportive..and it's thrown me for a giant loop. I find myself in this mental loop of do I keep myself open, exposing myself to more emotional hurt, but keeping the chance they come around a possibility? or do I cut the limb off and begin the healing process?