Okay so, I get obsessed with things and this particular subject does not leave my consciousness (or even my unconsciousness). Thinking about being the wrong gender physically disturbs me greatly nowadays, I cannot stop pinging that thought around the old brain box. However. I've accepted it. I'm going to transition. I do need support in doing so because I'm jaded by the working world and how judged I already am. I'm older than the publicly visible FTMs when they transitioned and that's something that irks me. The signs were there, the various mental health issues were experienced but I never arrived at the fact that I'm a man forced to be a woman. There are so many memories I have of being uncomfortable in the female body I am imprisoned in and how they didn't surface into tangible decision invoking thoughts, I do not know. My parents had me young and in a time where being of the LGBT community was still taboo and a jibe thrown to those presenting as such. They knew, I know they did. The number of times they asked if I wanted to be a boy or if I wanted male genitalia, I couldn't count on two hands. But the way they asked was almost with a tone of disdain / disappointment / fear / shame that my gut reaction was deny deny deny. So, I never allowed myself to open my mind to the possibility of what could be. Also, we moved regions at a pivotal moment of my upbringing - the teens - to a place that rejected differences and I was bullied for 4 years for how I looked and spoke. The fact that I was hormone driven charged me to come out as lesbian but I have always hated the term because it wasn't me. I called myself gay instead. But throughout my adult life, I longed for a female partner that acted and presented as straight because that signified a huge part of who I am. I wanted a TopShop girl to hang off my muscly arm, not someone bearing the rainbow flag at any given occasion (obviously not condemning the community, just outlining my point). I've arrived at the fact that I am a man and I don't feel shame for it now. I've gone about a year thinking about who I am and it's taken some serious soul searching to realise. And yes, the dysphoria and obsession is very much all consuming at the moment. My focus is speaking with the GP next week to get referred to the GIC and working through some form of transition plan (I always feel better with a plan). And that, my friends, begins with the family. I just have to prepare myself for the awkwardness.
Kal, I think this is amazing. It's a really hard thing you've decided and I'm really happy for you. You sound much less conflicted then you have and it sounds as if you're heading in a direction that will make you happy. There will be a rough parts ahead but you can do it - you're clearly very strong. I'm very happy for you! Maybe if you're not ready to tell your family - and it sounds like they will be a challenge - keep going with your friends. And once you've told them and gained more confidence, or even through the confidence of starting transitioning, then you can tell your family. I've heard others say that having confidence in yourself makes things easier. Good luck and congratulations! (*hug*)
I relate a lot. Especially to the bit about parents constantly asking if you want to be male with a disapproving tone that makes you feel like you should say no. And wanting to be a with a girl, but not a a LESBIAN who treats YOU as one.
I relate a lot. Especially to the bit about parents constantly asking if you want to be male with a disapproving tone that makes you feel like you should say no. And wanting to be a with a girl, but not a a LESBIAN who treats YOU as one.[/QUOTE] Yeah exactly, it's the being treated as a woman that gets me and noticing the distinction between my treatment and cis male counterparts. Got lumped in with the reference "ladies" earlier today. I really f***ing hate it. But I got to stare at a colleague's designer stubble for a bit so that made me happy.
