I have to be up in 6 hours to go to a barn and work with horses for about 8 hours which I love but I am putting off going to bed because I don't want to get up in the morning and go. I have this problem all the time where I do everything to avoid doing something even if I love it because I don't feel like myself and don't want to even get up. Today is a bad day for me despite dressing in all male clothes and binding I still feel so horrible. I want to not be able to wake up in the morning and not have to leave the house and socialize but I feel horrible for feeling this way about something I love doing. I just can't get myself to want to go and I know in the morning it will ne so hard to get up and I will only be doing it because I made a comitment to go.
This sounds like the symptoms of depression. Particularly losing desire to do things you enjoy - that's a big warning sign. I'm not a therapist... perhaps you should try get one. Here are a few other suggestions for the meantime: watch some mental health videos from Katie Morton, she's a qualified therapist: https://www.youtube.com/user/KatiMorton look up sights for online youth therapy - I know theres one in England I use. keep doing what you're doing. getting up, doing the work - once you start trying to lock yourself up, you're falling down a slippery slope there. tell people that you've been feeling really bad. plan some sort of reward at the end of the day for getting through it. eat. preferably healthily. if you find yourself wallowing in bad thoughts, try mindfullness meditation to clear your mind. get a good book or something - practise some escapism after the work (not the internet though) express yourself - journal, draw, play an instrument if you do, just sing or something. put no pressures on yourself apart from just to let flow whatever you're feeling.
Working with horses sounds so cool! I hope you enjoyed yourself in the end. Have you done this kind of work for long?
